A Lamp in the Darkness

A couple weeks ago the book I ordered through Amazon arrived in the mail, "A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times" by Jack Kornfield. I ordered it not because I felt like I was going through difficult times but simply because I love Jack Kornfield's writings. Little did I know how timely it would be to have his book on my shelf in my writing room. When I wrote my last blog post reflecting back on the health challenges presented to me in 2011 (and to my dog Ahnung) I was in a space of simply noticing, and in many ways, a place of acceptance. There's a great quote from the book:

"If you can sit quietly after difficult news; if in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm; if you can see your neighbors travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy; if you can happily eat whatever is put on your plate; if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill; if you can always find contentment just where you are; you are probably a dog."

Yesterday I met with my internist. Yesterday I realized I was very human, as I certainly didn't respond peacefully and quietly after some difficult news. 2011 turned out ending with another twist with my health issues. For about a week at the end of December I had been experiencing abdominal pain. Yes, it hurt but it was a tolerable pain. I could tell something was going on but because I've had so many health issues and seen so many doctors in the past year, I thought maybe it would just go away. I had a couple days where I noticed something different about my urine .. It was pinkish and rusty (i've since learned that I had an episode of gross hematuria). Then on Friday, December 30th, signs became very clear that I was bleeding internally and I was rushed in for an upper GI. Later that day I was told I had stomach erosions and a biopsy was taken. The pathology report came back indicating that I did not have the H. Pylori bacteria which can be the cause of stomach erosions. Another cause is often drugs (frequently taking painkillers like tylenol, aspirin, ibuprofen). I mentioned to my GI doctor that for a few months I have been taking 325 mg of aspirin. Due to my heart condition of Left Ventricular Non Compaction my doctor has me on aspirin therapy to reduce my risk of strokes. My doctor did not believe the aspirin was the cause of my erosions and told me to keep taking the aspirin for my heart. I'm on medication for the stomach erosions (and it seems to be helping) and have another upper GI scheduled for 2/23. My doctor said he needs to go back in to see if the erosions have healed.

When I left Minnesota Gastroenterology I was told to follow-up with my internist. So yesterday was my appointment to do just that. Before I had the upper GI procedure they took my blood pressure ... it was 137/85. I looked at the nurse and said that's high for me. She said that's not unusual because patients get stressed. Well, in my gut I knew there was something off and that it wasn't stress. I've seen more doctors in the past 2 years and had more surgeries and procedures than some have had in a life time and my blood pressure (and pulse) have always been low ... typically 100/80. On a bad day it would get to 105/80. So I decided when I saw my internist for my follow-up I would mention the higher blood pressure and also what I had noticed in my urine a couple weeks ago. About a year ago, I had had a couple urinalysis reports come back showing I had blood (RBCs) and WBCs in my blood. A third test indicated it was back to normal so my internist at that time told me not to worry about it and to just get it re-checked in a year. In July, 2011 a had a full physical with my new internist. I failed to mention blood in my urine from previous tests not thinking it wasn't important. I learned yesterday that my urinalysis from July, 2011 indicated that I had blood (microscopic blood) in my urine again. I also had white blood cells which led him to believe that I may have an infection. After learning more about additional pieces of health information (which I inadvertently left out because I had so many other health issues ... mainly my heart issues!) he shared with me that intermittent bleeding in my urine (microscopic hematuria) needs to be checked out further with a urologist. He said it can be caused by kidney stones (although since i'm not in a lot of pain he doubts it's kidney stones) and can also be caused by tumors. "I'm not saying it's cancer, but we need to get it checked out," he said. Since it wasn't causing me any major problems I wanted to see if I could just take the wait and see approach. My doctor advised against that, "if it is cancer, if we catch it early we have much better chance of treating it." Next step is to set up an appt with a urologist and he would probably want to do both a scan of your kidneys and also a procedure called a cystoscopy ... unfortunately, he said, that's another not so fun procedure (as I told him how the upper GI was not an enjoyable procedure for me as I couldn't stop gagging!) I am scheduled for the kidney scan and appt with the urologist for 1/23.

Next item ... blood pressure. I mentioned how I noticed my blood pressure being higher than normal when I went in for the upper GI. My doctor checked my blood pressure twice. The first time it was 135/80 and the second time it was 137/85. He checked my records as said it was 101/80 in July, 2011. He said we technically don't start treating for high blood pressure until it goes over 140 so for now keep monitoring it. High blood pressure does run in my family. But I've always had normal or low blood pressure ... interesting that it's now high. It could be genetic or it could also be related to problems with my kidney. I wonder also, could it have anything to do with my heart disease?

I have always felt in my gut that whatever is going on in my body is something at a systemic level. In 2009 pre-cancer cells were found in my breast and it continues to multiply; in early 2010 I was  diagnosed with pancreatic insufficiency. In 2011 they removed a polyp from my colon and told me I had a 'colony of internal hemorrhoids' ... later in 2011 it was my heart ... 25% PVCs and a heart ablation procedure and a diagnosis of a rare heart condition, left ventricular non compaction. Then 2011 ends with stomach erosions and 2012 kicks off with high blood pressure and kidney problems.

I don't know why but I don't think I was emotionally prepared for my doctor to tell me yesterday that I have kidney problems. I wanted to cry when I left his office .... when will this end? What's next? Sometimes I feel like my body is gradually being taken over by some virus or bacteria or some alien being (oh, that could be from watching too much Star Trek!). The Buddhist way is to embrace uncertainty and to embrace the unknown ... I must confess that yesterday (and even this morning) I feel off center and am trying to find my way back to a place of true acceptance and peace with whatever life throws my way.

I know that I need to find a way back to my center. I ask for the courage and the strength to walk my life's journey and to welcome and embrace all that comes my way. I pray for the strength to simply Let Go and to trust that the path I am on is the path I am meant to be on ... and when I feel myself lost in the darkness of emotions that scare me that I just hold onto Ahnung, my north star, as she has always, and will continue to be the lamp that leads me through the darkness.

Hope .. Strength ... Courage

Photo from Flickr

For several weeks now I've had interrupted sleep. It began a week before the first attempt of the MRI guided breast biopsy that was cancelled because they discovered I had a heart problem. I couldn't figure out why I kept waking up in the middle of the night. For a while it was every hour or hour and a half. Now it's often midnight, 3 and 5. Tonight i woke up again at midnight. This time I couldn't go back to sleep and decided to get up and write. At least now I know that waking up is because of my heart problem ... ventricular bigeminy is the fancy word. I'm scheduled for a cardiac MRI and to meet with an electrophysiologist but not till mid-May. I met with a cardiologist last week and at least got clearance to move forward with the MRI guided breast biopsy ... so yesterday I was back at the hospital. The last time I had an MRI guided breast biopsy was August 2010 down at Mayo. I fell in the less than 1% that had complications and a hematoma and they had trouble stopping the bleeding. In August 2010 I only had one site that had to be biopsied and it was small 4mm site. Yesterday two new lesions have appeared since my MRI 6 months ago. Both are in my left breast and both are around 1.5 cm. I told the doctor I hope that this go around I wouldn't get a hematoma.

I have learned to calm myself down in the MRI tube. As I was moved in and out of the tube I kept telling myself to just breathe. As contrast rushed through my veins and my body shook from the vibrations I took my mind to the ocean, to the dolphins, to moments of joy and peace. They locate the two lesions and tell me that they are going to clean the area, numb the area ... the doctor asks 'do you feel something sharp?' I know two large needles are going to be inserted into the outer side of my left breast. Unfortunately i say 'yes it feels sharp'. She adds more solution to numb me a little more. She says 'you'll feel a little pressure.' I actually feel more than just pressure but tell myself I can just breathe through it. As the needle goes deeper inside of me I feel it making stops .. each stop stings and I take a deep breath. I have to lay extremely still for the entire time. After putting me back in the tube and running more images they confirm the needles are in the right place and they are now going to remove tissue from the two sites. "You'll feel more pressure and hear some loud noises" the doctor tells me as the needles pierce their way through my tissues and my cells. I hear this drilling sound and I say to myself 'Marilou ... it's okay' and I return to the ocean and I return to that place in my mind that carry moments of joy. I feel a hand on my arm .. the nurse is stroking my forearm 'are you okay?' I let out a muffled yes. The pain was greater this time than last August. Maybe because it was two sites. Regardless, I was relieved when it was finally told it was over.

Unfortunately, like last August, they had trouble getting the bleeding to stop. As a result I ended up not have the post MRI mammogram done (which is done to confirm the location of clips inserted at the lesion sites). I was told to come back in a week and a half for the 'gentle' mammogram. I was happy to be out of there even though I was feeling extremely sore and a little light headed. I stopped at Lunds to get an ice pack. As I was leaving Lund's I got a phone call from a new friend who was checking on me because she new I was going in for the MRI biopsy (a veterinarian whom I met for the first time over the weekend as we came together in a collaborative animal rescue effort to help a very battered and beaten dog). As I'm talking to her I suddenly feel what feels like blood on my belly. "ummm, Vicki .. I just came from the hospital and I think I have a problem. I think i'm bleeding." I could feel blood rushing down my stomach and my chest feeling drenched. "I'm going to pull over." "Yes, pull over right now. I pull into a parking lot and open up my black jacket. My pink Life is Good long-sleeve shirt is drenched in blood, the inner lining of my coat is covered with blood and I feel blood dripping down and the top of my jeans are getting soaked in blood. "Vicki, i'm going to have to call you back." I smell the blood and I momentarily panic. Okay, do I turn around and drive myself back to the hospital emergency room? No, I can't. I have to go let the dogs out ... they've been on their own for 5 hours. I'm almost home. I'll go home, let them out and put pressure and stop the bleeding and assess what I need to do then. So I quickly drive home -- fortunately i'm only 5 minutes away. I feel the blood dripping down my stomach. I rush into the house and let the dogs out then quickly run to the bathroom to grab some towels. Blood is dripping on my kitchen floor. I take my coat and shirt off and immediately apply pressure. The towel gets drenched with blood. I call my friend Laura up. I'm not sure what to do. I'm worried about the dogs. What if I can't get the bleeding to stop? Why is my blood having trouble clotting? It seems like over the past year I bruise easily and my wounds don't heal easily. Breathe Marilou Breathe ... i keep saying to myself over and over. I call my friend Vicki back who happens to work at the vet clinic around the corner from my house. She's a saint and comes over and helps me assess the situation, ensure the bleeding has stopped, puts new bandage on and helps take care of my dogs (not to mention a bunch of other stuff she did to care for me). She's insistent that I rest and that if I start to bleed again that I need to get myself to an emergency room (and no I can't drive myself! .. it's like she can read my mind!) and if I need to I should call 911. I am beyond grateful. It's hard for me to ask for help. I admit it was a welcome relief when I saw her car pull up into my driveway. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life ... friends who would come over and help me in a heart beat if i would simply ask or let them.

Today (Tuesday) I am going to be on edge waiting for my phone to ring in hopes that the pathology report will come in. Yes, i'm worried about the results of the pathology report. Will these lesions be benign? more of the atypical ductal hyperplasia? or is it cancer? I am tired, both emotionally and physically. The heart palpitations I have are causing me to not get restful sleep and lack of sleep is taking its toll on me. Yet at the same there's a part of me that feels so alive and so grateful for my life today. I have met a very special person in my life. He makes me feel so alive and so loved. I hadn't planned on falling in love. Truth is though ... I have fallen in love with my life which of course includes my beloved 3 furkids (and especially the animal rescue work I do) .. i have fallen in love with the connections and closeness I have with so many precious, loving friends (both new and old)... and now I am falling in love with a man who has touched my soul and is helping me heal some of my deepest, oldest wounds.

And so ... in the middle of the night and as so much goes through my heart I am hopeful that my health diagnosis, whatever it may be, will be something very treatable and manageable ... i pray also for strength and courage to continue to live my life with passion, purpose and love ... lots of unconditional love.

Detour

Photo from Flickr

I've decided to simply surrender to this health journey i'm on as it appears it will go in whatever direction it wants :) So last Friday I was scheduled to have my MRI guided biopsy for the two new lesions in my breast. As I was getting prepped for the biopsy the nurse took my vitals and not long after an alarm goes off. The nurse looks at me and says, "is your heart rate normally low?" And I say "yes." She asks, "are you a runner?" I respond with another yes, but tell her that I haven't been running in a few months and am actually taking a short break from working out. In the past year it hasn't been unusual for my heart rate to be in the 40s when i've gone to see doctors or prior to my previous surgical biopsies. I don't think it's quite gotten down to 36 bpm which is what the nurse told me was my pulse! My blood pressure was low (which is normal for me). "Are you feeling okay?" she asked. "I feel fine!" She asked me that a couple times and she got the same response :) Turns out she's a cardiac nurse so she said, "it's probably nothing but just to be on the safe side I want to run a mini EKG on you." As the print out came out and she looked at the print out of my heart rhythm, turned to me and slowly said, "I need to run this by a colleague. I'll be right back." Hmmmm, not a really good sign I said to myself. She returns to tell me that the doctor who was going to do my biopsy isn't comfortable doing my biopsy as there are abnormalities in my heart. I don't remember her exact words but it has to do with not just irregular heart beats but the frequency of these irregular heart beats and that somehow my heart isn't getting the electrical signal or something is blocking it ... fancy words of "preventricular complexities in a bigeminy pattern." As they sat and monitored me for a little while the nurse said that my heart was mostly beating in these abnormal patterns and would occasionally shift to a normal pattern. She kept asking me if I felt fine, and I kept saying yes! More than anything I was disappointed that the biopsy couldn't be done. My doctor said, "it's too risky. We don't know what's going on with your heart. I spoke to your surgeon (who ordered the biopsy and has done all my previous surgical biopsies) and she agrees that this must be a new condition because she had surgery as recently as last October and we would've caught it at that time. It's not good to have a medical emergency at any time but having one in an MRI room is a really bad place to have one. You are going to be face down in a tube, and i'm going to be sticking two large needles in you and there's a possibility you may bleed and with unexplained abnormalities in your heart, if anything happens, we wouldn't be able to get to you quickly enough with all of the equipment." She told me that as soon as I got clearance from a cardiologist she would get me in for the biopsy.

They continued to monitor my heart for a little while then I was told that I had to go to the emergency room to get a more indepth checkup and a full EKG and other tests. I continued to have a very low pulse and these weird heart patterns .... but I kept telling them I feel fine!! :) So after 7 hours in the hospital I was finally released but with a holter monitor attached to my body to capture every heart beat for the next 48 hours. On Tuesday I go into the Minnesota Heart Center for a stress test and whatever other test they need to do to try to figure out what is causing my heart to not get the proper electrical signals. I am hoping to get clearance from a cardiologist some time next week so that I can schedule my MRI biopsy.

I guess I wasn't meant to have my biopsy on Friday. Hopefully this new heart problem is just a minor bump in this health journey i'm on .... i'm coming to accept that this journey I'm on will have many twists and turns and that fighting it or resisting it isn't going to do any good. When I finally got home on Friday night and was lounging on the couch with my pups, I smiled. In some ways, it was almost comical as I thought to myself ... okay, what body organ is going to act up next??!! :)

A special thanks to my friends Laura and Paula for taking care of my furkids and for assuring me that I did not have to worry about them.

If there's one thing I have learned through all of this ... life is precious and life is short. I am grateful for every new day I have and for the many gifts of love, friendship, purpose, passion and creativity that surround me constantly.

Facing fear

These past days have been a flurry of mixed emotions. I moved out of my old house, closed a chapter in my life and moved into my new home. This week for the first time I had all 3 of my beautiful big black dogs (Ahnung, Missy and Mister) with me. I am grateful to my friends Laura and Carol for helping me with my "kids" during the craziness of the move transition. My first night (Saturday night) was just Ahnung and me. She has been my constant companion through all of this with her calm, consistent, loving energy interspersed with moments of play. She has decided she loves to sleep on the new leather couch. I woke up Sunday morning with a  new symptom and a feeling in my gut (literally and figuratively) that something was wrong. That morning I had significant bleeding in my stool. It was as if my insides were coming out and I admit it scared me. It was like something inside of me had ruptured and like my intestines were coming out. It was as significant as that moment on September 14, 2009 when I had just arrived in New York, checked into my hotel room and soon discovered that my body could no longer digest fats ... a physical symptom so glaring it was impossible to ignore or write off. I called one of my healers that morning wondering what I should do. I wasn't in any pain and thought maybe it would just go away on its own. I didn't want to go to the emergency room. My appetite was fine and I wasn't nauseous and wasn't feeling any pain. So I opted to not go to the ER and told a couple close friends. I guess part of me hoped that if I didn't say anything (the good ole 'sweep it under the rug') it would just go away. I wanted to be able to celebrate my new home, and being a family again with all 3 of my dogs together and with me ... and to not mix it in with not so good health news.

The next day there was no bleeding but I awoke with abdominal pain. Nonetheless, I was relieved. Maybe it did just 'go away'. Then yesterday I awoke at 4 am with abdominal pain and the bleeding return with just as much vengeance. My healer pushed me to call my GI doctor so I did. He was in surgery yesterday morning but was sent a message. His assistant called me back and said he wants me in right away to have a colonoscopy and with the bleeding to have labwork done today to check my hemoglobin level. Both my healer and GI doctor have said that with my family history (my mom having had colon cancer) they need to take extra precautions. So prepping for the procedure began last night. I had the worse headache last night (I'm hoping it was just stress) and feeling nauseous.

I realized last night that I am scared. A part of me is also tired of these health issues. I want to be able to just celebrate my new life and my new beginning. I am scared. I think what scares me the most is thinking about what would happen to my "kids" ... to Ahnung, Missy and Mister ... if something happened to me. I love these dogs more than anything ... even crazy boy Mister with all his quirkiness, energy and separation anxiety. Heck ... I bought a home with a huge backyard so we could be a family and all be together. Last night we snuggled on the couch. As my head was pounding and overcome with nausea I had a breakdown. I decided to just let my tears fall; to accept that I was afraid ... and in that moment I realized I'm not afraid for me, I'm afraid because I worry, yes I worry about my babies and I worry that I don't have my affairs in order should anything happen to me. Hopefully this bleeding is something minor. I guess i'll know soon enough. For now my "kids" give me strength and comfort and a reason to stay strong.

 

Gratitude

I have a lot to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. So much has transpired in my life this past week ... too much to even share in this blog posting and to be honest I am needing time to process and simply sit and be with all that has happened. What I do know is that I am extremely grateful to be alive and to have the most incredible friends. I am grateful for my dogs who are healing magic to me ... I look to my dog Ahnung who has and will continue to be my northstar as I maneuver my way through the next step in my life's journey.

A few days ago a good friend of mine shared the following poem with me. We are all walking our journey of life ... I have been afraid to step into some deep old hurts and pains ... hurts so deep that I had convinced myself they weren't there yet I know in my gut that they have manifested in the health issues I have been struggling with over the past year and a half. Next week I have my appointment at Mayo to discuss options around the cancer/precancer in my breast and the following week meet with a pancreatic specialist.

To add to all of this I learned the other day that I have an infection ... abnormally high red blood cells (and white blood cells) in my urine. I had another test done yesterday and will hopefully get results back tomorrow. The internist tells me ... it could have something to do with my gall bladder or kidneys. Sounds like I may have more tests and procedures to go through. The internist is most concerned about the abnormally high levels of red blood cells.

The Journey

by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

A knowing

I am learning to really, truly trust my gut and my instincts .... yesterday I saw my energy healer whom I absolutely love and who has been a life saver for me as I have walked my journey of health challenges this past year. I talked to my doctor at Mayo on Friday. The pathologists reviewed the slides from my last surgery. At this point, the pathologists at Mayo are saying that the cell changes do not officially meet all the criteria for what would be officially cancer ... then came the 'however' .... there is extensive abnormality in my cells and because there is no correlate (a lump or tumor or anything that can be detected with current scans and tests) they are very concerned. My case is also unusual. The pathologists at Mayo are only willing to say that in the slides they have seen from what is really random samples of breast tissue (since my surgeon didn't believe there was a lump to remove) is not officially cancer, but there is concern of cancer in the surrounding tissue. My doctor also started to ask me about my pancreas and I told her that my GI doctor here in the cities is pretty much saying the same thing .... he can't figure out what has caused my pancreas to stop producing lipase and he suspects there are changes going on at a cellular level in my pancreas but there is no way to confirm that except through a biopsy which is way too risky. My doctor recommends I see a pancreas specialist at Mayo. So I have 3 appointments scheduled at Mayo for December 2 to meet with my primary doctor at Mayo, the surgeon (who specializes in early detection of breast cancer) and the head of the pancreas division.

Options that have been thrown out to me are tamoxifen and a double mastectomy. My gut right now does not feel that either are right for me because I sense something going on at a cellular level in my body. I knew there was something going on in my left breast before the doctors confirmed it through surgery and pathology reports. I knew it was my pancreas (with the help of my father appearing in my dream and letting me know it was pancreas) before my GI doctor could narrow it down to my pancreas and through enzymes have finally stopped the weight loss and fatigue.

So what do I do with this "knowing"? It's been so weird to feel both so alive and energetic while at the same time feel like my body is getting weaker ..... like cells are wreaking havoc inside of me ... like there's some kind of a battle going on inside of me. I have noticed the little things in how my body acts and responds that have indicated to me that my body is much slower to heal physical wounds and also that it's been fighting some kind of an infection. Yesterday was a rough day for me physically ... as much as I wanted to go out for a run as it was a gorgeous day here in Minnesota, I decided to listen to my body and just rest.

My dog Ahnung must've known I wasn't feeling well yesterday. She wouldn't leave my side which is unusual for her as she has an independent nature about her. Over lunch today we (Ahnung and I) are interviewing and going through an orientation at Regions Hospital so that we can start volunteering at the Riverside Cancer Clinic and hanging out with cancer patients as they are going through chemo. I am blessed to have my own personal therapy dog and furry angel by my side. I am blessed to have a wonderful support network of friends and family.

I reminded myself last night as I was struggling with pain and fatigue that the sun will rise again ... the fog will lift and the magnificent sun will emerge over the horizon ... and it did! I don't know where my journey is going to take me. I have good days and not so good days, and I am learning to embrace both.

"When your love reaches the core,

earth-heavals and bright irruptions spew in the air.

The universe becomes one spiritual thing, that simple,

love mixing with spirit."

~Rumi

Surgery tomorrow!

So tomorrow I head back to Fairview Ridges for surgery to remove the growing lump in my left breast. I'm relieved to be having it removed .... the surgery itself isn't causing me any anxiety -- maybe because this is the third lumpectomy i've had in a year and a half. I trust my surgeon and have the utmost confidence in her. What will probably be more nerve wracking will be the waiting of the results of the pathology report ... but that too should hopefully arrive before the end of the week.

Today, I had the greatest day. I went for a 9 mile run this morning along the Mississippi River ... and it was a gorgeous morning for a run with the vibrant fall colors. The Twin Cities marathon was also this morning and it was fun to run alongside of them for a few miles as people cheered them on (I just imagined they were cheering me on too!!) ... then my partner Mary and I were able to get out and take some photos of the fall leaves. Minnesota gets cold in the winter months but I love the changing seasons. I love fall and I love watching the leaves transform right before my very eyes! It's a wonderful reminder to me that nothing ever remains the same ... everything is always in a constant state of change. As I prepare for surgery tomorrow I remind myself that I am always in a state of change. As much as i'd like to think that some things are permanent, they aren't. The Buddhist are absolutely right when they say that nothing is permanent. That's not bad though ... it means to simply focus on living in the present moment, not the future and not the past.

Who knows what this next round of pathology reports will say about this growing lump in my breast. I am grateful that I feel great today .... physically, emotionally and spiritually. And I am grateful that I'm actually not worried about it .... truth is, I know that I will be okay no matter what and that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way ... i've made it this far, so no stopping me now!! :)

And when I get out of surgery tomorrow I'm sure Mary will have some scrumptuous dessert waiting for me!! :) And the "kids" (Ahnung, Missy, Mister and Henry) will be ready to snuggle up with me on the couch. Maybe they'll be nice and let me have a tiny corner of the couch. All I know is that I get to take a short nap tomorrow afternoon, and when I wake up it will be over!!

Believe and Trust ... and the power of prayer

Yesterday at around 3 pm as I was sitting in my office on the 28th floor of my office in downtown Minneapolis, I got a call from my doctor. I had left her a message the day before to confirm that she would have the pathology reports in time for our visit on Friday morning. All I remember her saying was "I have great news for you! The pathology report came back and it's benign ..." She went on to say more but to be honest I stopped listening. My body felt this surge of emotions and tears started to fall. I just remember hearing the words "high risk" and her asking me that we should still meet with the surgeon after our visit with her. I said 'ok'.

I immediately picked up the phone to call my partner Mary who had just texted me to ask if I had heard from my doctor. "Dr. Ghosh called. Benign. It's benign!!" We cried. I don't think either of us realized the weight of worry we had been carrying. I then texted my friend Michele with the words 'BENIGN!' who then responded with how she was crying with tears of joy. Michele and I met for the first time in Bimini on our swimming with the wild dolphins (WildQuest) trip, yet we feel like we've known each other a life time ... who knows, maybe in a past life! A connection formed on that trip and a new friendship is blossoming. Amlas (one of the founders of WildQuest) told us that deep, life long friendships often develop as a result of the shared experience of connecting with wild dolphins. As I went through this week, Michele kept telling me to Believe and Trust. I believe there is no such thing as a coincidence. People come into our lives for a reason. Maybe Michele has come into my life so that she can mirror for me all she has known about me which is pure joy, life, and the bliss she witnessed while I was in Bimini with the dolphins. During this tough week she was a reminder for me to return to the calm and the joy of the experience of swimming with the dolphins. She would tell me how alive I looked when I was in Bimini, and that all she could feel energetically from me thousands of miles away was that I was alive!

Both Michele and Mary kept reminding me over and over again to remember how I felt when I was in the warm waters swimming with the dolphins. And I would ... and my body would feel so alive. I remember being touched by the dolphins. I remember the feel of their rubbery skin against my left shoulder and arm in what is a rare physical connection with wild dolphins. I remember our eyes connecting. I remember them swimming towards me. I remember how one dolphin intentionally turned around and swam back towards me. I remember being touched by their sonar, their energy and their vibration. I remember their healing, playful energy.

The last photo of me with Papa
and my favorite photo!

And this entire week I have felt the love and support of my partner and so many friends and family. I have even had kind strangers post comments on my blog to let me know they are thinking of me. I have received emails from friends I haven't heard from in a long time. This week I have felt lifted and supported by an energy and force I can't explain ... I have always loved the poem "Footprints in the Sand". I believe that God has carried me at times when I felt like I couldn't carry on. Sometimes I feel it's God holding me up; sometimes it's my father; and sometimes it's the angels they've sent down for me ... if I could change the incredible photo above (which was taken by Atmo of WildQuest) it would be that alongside the set of footprints there would be dog paw prints ...

My dog Ahnung is one of the angels I believe God and my father have sent down from heaven to help me in my healing. The first doggie angel was my beloved black cocker spaniel Splat. They have helped me reach the little girl who has been so wounded and who is now screaming to be heard. In a writing class I was taking at The Loft Literary Center I received feedback from my classmates on a piece I wrote and shared ... it was a piece about the healing from the sexual abuse and how Ahnung and Splat have helped me in my healing. She said something that I now finally get ... "I loved your piece. But I wanted to see more of you, of the little girl, and I wanted the little girl to step out in front and to not hide behind her dogs."

With my dog Ahnung, my north star

It's time for me to let that little girl out. It's time for me to reassure that little girl that I will be there with her no matter what and that it's okay to have whatever feelings and emotions. It's time for me step out in front. It's time to stop hiding her and to give her a voice.

I am just beginning to truly grasp the power and impact of old emotional hurts and how they can manifest in our body as disease. Healing ... there is no separation of you and me; there is no separation of mind, body, spirit and emotion;

If there's one thing the dolphins taught me so well ... is that I need to keep on playing! My astrologer told me "You have to learn to play to save your life." I told her how it has always been my dream to go swim with wild dolphins. "Then you must go swim with wild dolphins," and Pat looked directly into my eyes and said once more "You'd better play to save your life!"

I defy you Leo for what you took from me when I was a young girl. From this point forward I am going to reclaim what is rightfully mine and in the process restore my vibrant health.

I know there is so much more for me to learn ... but what I know right now is that I am alive, I am more than healthy, I am beyond grateful and happy, I am feeling better than I have felt in a year and a half, I am training for the San Francisco half marathon, and I am feeling my heart opening up more and more ...

Vortex of emotions

My visit to Mayo clinic yesterday for my diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound  kicked off a series of emotions for me. As I sat in the waiting room I felt a wave of emotions come over me.  All day yesterday I found myself on the verge of tears, trying desperately to fight back the tears. Voices saying: I need to be strong. I need to be brave ... and for the most part the adult in me has been strong, brave, accepting of all the health curves that have been tossed my way these past 18 months. Yesterday I think the scared little girl in me was calling out. 

I don't why I've been thrown into this vortex of emotions .... yes, fear is one of the emotions but along with fear is joy and love. I leave early this morning to head back to Mayo for my MRI guided biopsy. My doctor called yesterday to confirm that they weren't able to find the lesions with the mammogram and ultrasound, which is what we both suspected would happen and that we needed to move forward with the MRI biopsy. I've had a couple breast MRIs done but never an MRI guided biopsy. I asked her what to expect. She said it's similar to an MRI except to plan for it to be around 2 hours, and that I will be in and out of a closed tube as they biopsy the site where the lesion is. The adult in me is okay about all of this. The little girl in me is scared to death. I realized this morning that I think she's screaming out to me now because she wants to have a voice ..... i've pushed her aside all of my adult life, after my dad died, the sexual abuse, trying desperately to be the "perfect" daughter to ease the pain and suffering of my mother who could no longer be there for her kids emotionally after my father died ... the secrets, the silence, the holding everything in has manifested into my health problems .... in my breast and in my pancreas. I think she's throwing tantrum now .... 

I remember vividly swimming with the dolphins in Bimini a month ago. That whole week I felt so alive and so playful. I can still see them in my mind's eye and I can feel them in my heart.

I am grateful for the love and support I have received ... I came downstairs this morning to a beautiful dolphin card from my partner Mary ... " ... let the dolphins and me, and the dogs and the cat, be in the tube with you" .... and my dear friend Michele (whom I met on my dolphin trip in Bimini) wrote ... "you have my big heart full of energy, light and love ... visualize the dolphins there with you. Breathe life and feel their grace and unconditional love surround you .... close your eyes and remember the special moments you shared with them in the warm waters of Bimini ... be there again and bask in the presence of safety .." and then some kind stranger posted the following comment to my blog last night:

"Hi- My name is Joe, and I found your blog while surfing blogspot. I was very compelled by your writing, and just wanted to leave a short comment.

I'm so sorry to read about your situation, but know that at least this stranger is thinking good thoughts for you =) Strength is a funny thing, and even when we think we are broken or even irreparable, we somehow find a way. I have no doubt that will be the case for you.

And I just had to say that Ahnung is adorable! She looks a lot like my sister's Australian Shepherd/mix."

If you're reading my blog Joe ... thank you. Your comment means more to me than you can imagine. It validates for me my belief that we are all connected. 

As I head off for my two hour procedure/biopsy I will know that I am not alone. I will imagine myself swimming with the dolphins for as long as they need to keep me in that tube. And as my friend and neighbor Jennifer says: "All of life is a closed tube. In our minds we can be free from all constraint. Bodhichitta coming your way."


Thank you all ... Namaste.

Health Update: Mayo clinic visits next week

It seems like i'm riding waves with my health journey. As I ride the waves of this journey what gives me comfort so often is my dog Ahnung ... she went through so much before she was rescued and the delight and joy she finds in new experiences always brings a smile to my face. In the photo on the left, this was the first time she had seen a swimming pool and I think she was telling me she wants one too! :)

Before we left for our incredible swim with the dolphin trip in Bimini I was aware that there were still questions and followup tests/procedures that needed to be done on one, possibly two, new lesions that have developed in my left breast. I saw a new doctor at Mayo Clinic Breast Center in Rochester, Minnesota and absolutely love her and the experience I've had there. What a blessing to be only 90 miles away from one of the best hospitals in the country. One doctor told me before I left for Bimini that it would probably be okay to wait 6 months and have a another MRI done to check to see if the lesion has grown. My doctor at Mayo did not think that was a good option especially since she could feel what could possibly be a second lesion. I decided to trust her judgment. Her recommendation: a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound for the lesion that is palpable and then an MRI-guided biopsy if they are unable to detect the lesion with the mammogram or ultrasound. I have the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday of next week, the MRI guided biopsy for Wednesday and a meeting with my doctor and the surgeon on Friday to go over all the results. We couldn't scheduled the MRI-guided biopsy any sooner because I was leaving for Bimini to swim with the dolphins and I told her she couldn't stop me!! :) And next week was when it needed to be scheduled due to that wonderful female cycle time and when breast MRIs should be done :)

So by the end of next week I will hopefully know more about the lesion(s) in my breast. Maybe the dolphins in Bimini, when they blessed me with the gift of their touch, took away the lesions .... I don't know what I will find out next week. I admit I am a little anxious and worried. I try to not to be because I know there's nothing I can do, and worry certainly doesn't help! :) What I do pray for every morning is the strength and courage to be okay with whatever comes my way.

As I go through this coming week I will work to stay positive in my mind and in my heart. And if you feel so inclined, I would appreciate any positive energy and thoughts you'd like to send my way :)

Fire in my belly

I woke up at 12:30 this morning with stomach pain, again, along with a cough that's lingering. It's been about a week now (maybe longer) where stomach pain has returned .... cramping and a burning sensation -- like a fire in my belly. I've also had slight pain in my chest, a tightness and almost a feeling of suffocation ... and a few days ago, the fire moved up to my throat. A couple summers ago, I had this persistent cough that would not go away.  It feels the same again ... a sore throat, pain when I cough and like mucus is suffocating my lungs. No question: my body is fighting something.

I believe so much of all of this is emotional. Physical disease and symptoms manifesting and finding a way to give voice to emotions buried alive - suffocated. It's time again for me to have a breast MRI. Will my cells have progressed to full blown cancer? And in a month, I'm due to have my pancreas checked again ... with every meal I now have to take pancreatic enzymes. Doctors can't explain what caused my pancreas to stop functioning.

These past couple of months have been hard on me, and on my siblings and family as we deal with my mother recently diagnosed with alzheimers. It has brought up so much for me as I have struggled to be a good daughter and to do the right thing.

Writing is healing for me. So in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and I was finding ways to soothe the burn in my stomach and my throat, I sat down and started writing in my journal ...

There's a fire raging.

   Anger. Grief. Loss.

Down to the cellular level.

Papa: you died when I was 4. I was there. I was in your hospital room that Friday afternoon in 1968 when you spirit soared to heaven.

And Mama: she clung desperately to you and her spirit went with you that day leaving only a physical shell - an empty shell fueled by promises, by obligation, and yes, love too. But a love so beaten, so fragmented it left a 4 year old trying desperately to pick up the pieces and to fix something she didn't understand.

At 4 I had my first life lesson: death - it takes two forms.

At 4, I became an orphan.

There's a fire raging in my belly.

  Unexpressed emotions feeding disease.

There's a fire raging in my lungs.

  A child's voice screaming to be heard.

A child - tired, lost, afraid.

An adult - physical body: battered and beaten down. Yes, a survivor, but a lost survivor.

How do I let this fire out?

How do I stop the scorching?

How do I give this 4 year old child, a voice?

How do I teach this little girl to live, to play?

How do I rewire words she was told - "a sign of an educated person is self control" - and let her know that it's not only okay, but good for her to cry?

How do I help her feel safe and let her know that only through her tears will she put the fire out?

How do I comfort this little girl, whose adult now has to be a mother, to a little girl whose mother died emotionally the same day her father died?

A new fire has emerged and has ignited a much deeper fire.

The fire is spreading

  from my breasts, to my pancreas, and now my lungs and my throat.

Around me, and within me, I hear:

"Tears are the only way through this fire."

Question is ... Can I learn to walk this new path before it's too late?

The best medicine of all ...

I've had so much going on lately that I've managed not to think about my own health issues till just a couple days ago. Then yesterday my partner reminded me it was time for me to call my surgeon and schedule my breast MRI. I had two lumpectomies in 2009 ... the first revealed one site of atypical ductal hyperplasia (pre-cancer cells) and the second surgery in December 2009 revealed two sites and a pathology report indicating I was now borderline DCIS. I've also been losing weight again, but am guessing it's due to the stress of caring for my mom who has recently been diagnosed with alzheimer's. Since taking pancreatic enzymes my weight loss has come to a standstill, until just recently.

I guess there is a part of me that is worried, as much as I try not to ... I've known for a year now that there are cells in my body that have started going awry. I have chosen the path of close surveillance for now and have been working with natural, holistic healers (in conjunction with my western doctors). I watch my diet closely and have been eating foods that I have been told fight cancer ... lots of berries -- strawberries, blackberries, blueberries and raspberries. I also have a good reason to eat dark chocolate (and love it!). In my mind, I have been telling myself that I will starve any cancer cells trying to multiply in my body .... i limit intake of sugar as I understand cancer cells love sugar. In the back of my mind I hear the voice of my GI doctor as he responds to my question of, "Why did my pancreas shut down and stop producing lipase (enzymes that digest fat)? Is it something I should be concerned about, or now that the enzymes appear to be working, not worry about it?" His response, "it's good the enzymes are working, however, we need to closely monitor you since we don't know or understand what has caused your pancreatic insufficiency."

I have continued to watch my diet, ensuring that what I put in my body will prevent cancer cells from growing. Interestingly, I stumbled upon a TED video this morning by William Li, the founder of the Angiogenesis Foundation ... his talk "Can we eat to starve cancer?". A wonderful and informative video .. also very affirming to learn that what i've been doing is probably the best preventative medicine. So ... I will continue doing what I am doing, and as I schedule my MRI I will also pray that the results will come back showing no cancer. And I also pray that whatever is going on in my pancreas can be reversed.

Idiopathic -- a journey of curiosity

So yesterday I had my followup with my gastroenterologist, Dr. Mackie. I have to say I am so fortunate to be surrounded by such a wonderful team of health care practitioners as I have gone through my health challenges this past year. A few weeks ago I had the ultrasound of my pancreas which showed no structural damage or tumors -- that was the great news. As my doctor said, the not so great news is that they haven't been able to figure out what is causing my pancreas to not produce enzymes. He said (with a smile on his face) ... I have pancreatic insufficiency, then paused and said "idiopathic". I had a questioning and puzzled look on my face. "Essentially, it means we/doctors are 'idiots' and can't figure out what the cause it!" He smiles. I love his gentle way, his dry sense of humor and his willingness to spend whatever time is necessary with me and my partner. When I got home, I looked up the meaning of "idiopathic". The definition is "arising spontaneously or from an unknown or obscure cause." He tells me there is no medical code in their system (for insurance purposes) that he can put "pancreatic insufficiency" and he hesitates to label me with "chronic pancreatitis" because it could be used against me by insurance companies down the road. A catch-22 though. In order for insurance to cover the expensive drugs (pancreatic enzymes) I have to take, a diagnosis must be made. So I get that label added to my records ... at least for now.

I tell my doctor i'm feeling much better. These enzymes have done wonders. Not as fatigued and I have stopped losing weight. Other digestive symptoms have gone away. So what are some possible reasons my pancreas stopped producing enzymes? What could have been the reason for my massive weight loss and all my symptoms. He said there is obviously something going on in my body. It could be some kind of a virus that started it all. It could be something to do with my endocrine system. He mentions some possible concerns around diabetes. Knowing that I had thyroid problems back in 2001 where a large nodule was removed along with half my thyroid, he mentions possible autoimmune disorders. In a nutshell, he said that it's a good thing that the enzymes are helping but since they haven't been able to figure out what is causing the shut down of my pancreas that I should be watchful and pay close attention to symptoms and how i'm feeling. As long as I continue to feeling better I'm to continue on my pancreatic enzymes (at the same dose!) and return to see him in 6 months. A complete bloodwork will be done and he said we can explore at that time whether we can decrease the dose. I ask "is it possible for my pancreas to start producing enzymes again?" He says, it's possible. It's also possible, he says, that I may always have to take these enzymes.

Unknown cause for my symptoms. It's so interesting to me that the vets have said the same thing about my dog Ahnung. They have no idea for what is causing the growths on her ears. As mysteriously as Ahnung's lumps appeared, they are going away, gradually. Crazy as it sounds, I believe Ahnung is helping cleanse my body of whatever toxins have been in my body causing me pain.

I still don't have answers. And that's okay. It's a lesson for me in acceptance, in patience, and in a willingness to step into my world and my life with playful curiosity. Next "official" health stop isn't till June when I go in for my breast MRI to check on the pre-cancer cells. Two areas were removed in December. Hopefully I will get good news in June. But no point worrying now. I don't have answers for why my cells have started going awry and why my pancreas has stopped producing essential enzymes. That truly is okay though ... I don't need to know.

What I do know, is that the best medicine of all, is LOVE. I have plenty of that and I am grateful for the love and support of my partner, of Ahnung, Missy, Mister, and Henry ... and of all my friends. And what I do know is that spring is arriving in Minnesota and of how my partner relishes and experiences pure bliss when she vacations up north. This summer, if she dares to let me try ... I want to take a turn at driving the boat ... I told her she just needs to make sure she has a life jacket on if we capsize!

Health update .....

Yesterday I had an endoscopic ultrasound done at Abbott. Originally I was told I was going to have general anesthesia for the procedure. When I got there I was told it would be "conscious sedation" which is what i've had a lot of in recent procedures and excisional biopsies .... I was okay with it until the actual procedure started and they had a lot of difficult getting down my throat what had to go down my throat :) I have trouble swallowing large vitamin pills, let alone a tube (flexible as it might be!!) ;-) I didn't have any trouble with a simple endoscopy. Maybe a wider tube is used for an endoscopic ultrasound .. who knows :) In any case, I was happy when the procedure was over :)

I've been on pancreatic enzymes now for over a month. It has definitely helped with my weight loss coming to a stop and my ability to once again digest fats. I asked my gastroenterologist why I still needed to have the endoscopic ultrasound done since it appears the pancreatic enzymes were working ... He said it was important to see if there was anything else going on with my pancreas. Good news from yesterday: my pancreas looks good. The doctor said that sometimes our pancreas just stops producing enzymes and we never know why. He said it's often related to alcohol ... i told him I don't drink. He said he's seen pancreatic insufficiency with other women who don't drink and they simply can't explain why the pancreas stops producing enzymes. So ... medical diagnosis given: pancreatic insufficiency with unknown etiology.

The following article on pancreatic sufficiency states: "Until a cure for pancreatic insufficiency is found, the goals of medical treatment are to modify behaviours that may exacerbate the natural history of the condition, to enable the pancreas to heal itself, to restore digestion and absorption, and to diagnose and treat endocrine insufficiency." The doctor indicated that pancreatic insufficiency in conjunction with one's inability to digest fats/nutrients can definitely cause weight loss. The article says "Pancreatic insufficiency occurs when the pancreas does not produce enough digestive fluids to break down food. It is a serious condition." I continue to have some other bizarre symptoms but the major symptoms of weight loss and the inability to digest fats are gone now that i've been taking pancreatic enzymes. Hopefully my pancreas will learn in time that it can start producing lipase on its own again.

I have a followup with my gastroenterologist in a couple weeks. Meanwhile, I will continue working with my alternative health care practitioners (naturopath, energy healer and acupuncturist/nutritionist) and I will continue to rely on the best medicine of all .... the slobbery kisses of my dogs, the unwaivering support and love of my partner and my spirituality/relationship with God.

Health update ....

Today was quite the health day ... for me and for my sweet girl Ahnung. Ahnung had her biopsy done to remove a couple of the lumps on her ear. She did awesome and the staff of course just fell in love with her :) The waiting begins for the pathology report. They promised to call me as soon as it comes in ... i pray it's not cancer. If it's an autoimmune disease, i'm hopeful that we can at least deal with that .... either way, I will be right by her side no matter what!

Today I also saw my gastroenterologist. I'm super grateful my partner came with me as she asked a lot of questions. Due to my most recent symptom of itchy skin (aka pruitus) my doctor seemed concern and all of a sudden a bunch of lab tests were being ordered. With my father dying from liver disease (cirrhosis of the liver, even though he never drank) he mentioned the possibility of primary biliary cirrohisis, which is an autoimmune disorder where the bile ducts in one's liver are eventually destroyed leading to cirrhosis of the liver. Apparently I have a lot of the symptoms of primary biliary cirrhosis (PBC) - fatigue, weight loss, steatorrhea (inability to digest fat), and now itchy skin. There apparently is no cure for PBC and it apparently leads to cirrhosis of the liver and end stage liver failure, however, liver transplants have been known to be successful which is a hopeful thing. My partner has already told me that if she is a match she will give me a part of her liver. So today I gave 5 vials of blood for a bunch of lab tests to check for PBC as well as my liver functioning. He also believes there's something going on with my pancreas as my body is not producing the necessary digestive enzymes to digest fats. I've started on pancreatic enzymes and he has also put an order in for me to have an endoscopic ultrasound where they will be able to take a close look at my pancreas, gall bladder, liver and ducts. With this procedure he said they will be able to see if there are any small tumors (i guess to rule out cancer, hopefully!) or any problems with my ducts. He said it won't answer the question of my pancreas not producing sufficient enzymes, however, if my symptoms subside with the enzymes I am now taking then it will indicate that there is obviously a problem with my pancreas! For the endoscopic ultrasound he said I will have conscious sedation and an anesthesiologist will be present ... he said it will be more involved than the endoscopy i've had before and it will take longer as they will be going much deeper. What I want to know is if i'll get another pair of those cute Bear Paws socks like I did during my last lumpectomy!

I continue to feel Papa's presence with me. I especially felt it today when the words "primary biliary cirrhosis" came out of my doctor's mouth. I certainly appear to have many of the symptoms. Who knows if that's what i have ... the itchy skin in conjunction with my other symptoms is concern that bile salts are in my blood stream. Yes ... my body is trying to tell me something. Yes ... Ahnung's body is trying to tell us something. And YES, I believe Papa is trying to communicate with me.

For now .... I will try to remain present and to not worry, about my own health or about Ahnung's. I am doing everything I possibly can ... that's all I can do. The rest ... and the journey I need to take ... I believe isn't up to me. Faith. I trust the journey ahead is the journey I am meant to be on, whatever that may be.

The arrival of fall - transformation

I've struggled this past week not knowing what to share, what not to share, publicly, on my blog. In some ways, it seems like health struggles should be my own personal struggle - one I only share with my partner and my healthcare practitioners. In a week will be Pet Haven's largest fundraiser, our third annual Fall Benefit. Part of me says, I don't have time to get sick -- not now. For a month my body essentially stopped digesting food ... symptoms that led me to see a gastroenterologist this past week. For almost two weeks it seemed like my digestive system was getting back on track, till yesterday afternoon - much to my dismay the symptoms returned. I'm scheduled for an endoscopy on the 9th. The recurrence of previous symptoms may change the course I head down. One thing my acupuncturist and my gastroenterologist agree on is that there's malabsorption going on. The question now is ... is it my pancreas? My doctor didn't feel the need to head down that path as the digestive symptoms had subsided by the time I saw him this past Wednesday. I had a two week reprieve. The symptoms are back ... this time how long will they last? Weight loss, inability to digest fat, fatigue ... the combination of these symptoms are concerning to me; they're concerning to my acupuncturist; to my primary doctor who feels "we are missing something"; and to the gastroenterologist. Add to all of this, the lump in my breast is continuing to grow. My surgeon has squeezed me into her calendar for Wednesday. She recommends I go ahead and make an appt to see an oncologist so she can work collaboratively with the oncologist. I called the oncologist my dear friend Elaine saw as she battled cancer so bravely until the very end. All my records and files are being sent to Dr. Murphy so she can review them and on Monday I call to set up a time to meet with her. After meeting with my surgeon on Wednesday I know that my partner and I will be faced with more decisions.  I suspect there will be more tests and eventually surgery again. I am scheduled to leave for the Philippines with my sister on November 18th so I can go home to visit my mom. Her health is not the best and I want to visit her. My hope is that my own health won't deter me from making the long journey home.

I stepped outside this week to take photos of the beautiful fall leaves. And to capture a squirrel scurrying to the top of a tree. As I took a deep breath I could feel the transformation, the changing of the seasons. Transformation happens every day, every moment -- around us and within us. At a cellular level, I can feel my cells changing. My body is trying desperately to tell me something.

At a cellular level I am connected to my father and my mother. My mother had breast and colon cancer. She's a survivor. My father ... at the young age of 39 started to lose weight. My mom tried to convince him to go to the doctor. He kept saying "honey, i'm fine." My mom says "your Papa was losing weight but he kept telling me he was fine. One day i noticed he was turning yellow and told him he was going to the doctor whether he wanted to or not." It was 1968. She took him to the doctor in Thailand. Liver disease. It was too late. We traveled to Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, Missouri in hopes the doctors here could save him. After two months, we lost him.

I know that my father would've gone to the doctor sooner if he knew how sick he was. I believe he would've done things differently. I hear his voice when I find myself saying to my partner, "I feel fine." Unintentional weight loss (over 30 pounds) is not "normal" ... and with my body not knowing how to digest fat .... and a lump in my breast growing with a vengeance -- i know there's something going on. It's tough though, because for the most part, I really do feel fine.

I can't imagine how my mom felt when she heard the words come out of the doctor's  mouth, "your husband is dying." She told me this past June when I was in the Philippines, "if only I made your Papa go to the doctor sooner...."

Dear body: I am listening. Please know that I am listening.
Dear Mama and Papa: I feel you in my spirit and I will take steps to take care of myself.
Dear Mary: I promise to be proactive in taking care of my health so we can have a lifetime more of summers at the lake house and beach time frolicking on Marco Island in the winters.

Ebbs and flows

Back in May as I met with my surgeon after the excisional surgery to remove the lump in my left breast I was confronted with the realization that cells in my body had started going awry. Normal cells are consistent - uniform. Cancer cells are random -- they are the rule breakers; they would be running red lights and driving on the wrong side of the streets. At the end of May, I was told my cells had started some random patterns ... "atypical" cells is what they call it. The official diagnosis in my files: "atypical ductal hyperplasia ... atypia and her family history put her at an elevated risk." Options given at that time were "surveillance", hormone therapy or double mastectomy. I chose surveillance.

In mid-May they removed a 3.5 cm lump. In January, 2009 it was barely noticeable ... my surgeon was the one who noticed it. I pretended i knew what the heck she was talking about but I couldn't feel it. Then months later after the death of our dear friend Elaine to breast cancer I was prompted to check ... wow! i could now feel it and it had grown! A week later I was in surgery ... despite all the tests (mammograms and MRIs) saying there was nothing, my surgeon insisted we remove the lump and have it biopsied. For that I am grateful.

Now, 5 months later, here I sit again with a new lump that has grown in the same spot. Over the past few weeks there is noticeable growth. Having to deal with digestive challenges i've had lately, I try to ignore that the lump is back. And it seems to be back with a vengeance. Yesterday, at the strong nudging by my partner, I call my surgeon and talk to her nurse. I know i'm not scheduled to go back till January for another MRI. There's a lump, i tell her nurse, and it feels like the one I had back in May. "yes, it's growing.... best guess, it's about 3.5 cm."

I find an article on the Breast Cancer Research site. A diagnosis of ADH (atypical ductal hyperplasia) indicates an increased risk of invasive breast carcinoma ... 4 to 5 times that of the general population ... the risk is great for premenopausal women (approaching sixfold). The risk is further increased if the patient has a first-degree relative with breast cancer (10-fold risk). My surgeon told me in May I am at high risk. I have all the factors that put me at high risk. Back in May my surgeon assures me she removed the entire lump. I had hope I would be one of the lucky few and the growth would not come back.

There's no denying it now though ... the growth is back. I had a few worry free months from my health. I am grateful for a few months of calm water. Next Wednesday I see the gastroenterologist to deal with digestive issues and the unexplained weight loss. I also wait for a call back from my doctor/surgeon to see what my next steps are regarding the growth/lump.

Life is full of ebbs and flows. Like an ocean, life comes with high tides, low tides, raging waters, calm waters .... what's on the surface can scare us. Yet below the ocean's surface, in what is known as the twilight zone (more than 600 feet below the ocean's surface), while storms may be raging above, there is a stillness, a darkness .... having once been an avid scuba diver, I imagine myself resting in this stillness. It's a zone too deep to receive sunlight. It's a zone where animals have learned to adapt - some even make their own light with special organs in their bodies called photophores. I imagine myself absorbing the wisdom of the animals, and like these animals who have learned to create their own light, I create my light with hope. For now, I choose to rest in the twilight zone. Hope is my regulator. Hope is my oxygen. Hope is my buoyancy compensator - my life jacket. Hope is what will enable me to surface up into the sunlight zone and to weather the storm.

We all find our calm, our peace in different places. For me, the ocean and animals, are what pull me through the raging storms of life. They will see me through this next phase .... they always have and they always will.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops - at all -

- Emily Dickinson