Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Vortex of emotions

My visit to Mayo clinic yesterday for my diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound  kicked off a series of emotions for me. As I sat in the waiting room I felt a wave of emotions come over me.  All day yesterday I found myself on the verge of tears, trying desperately to fight back the tears. Voices saying: I need to be strong. I need to be brave ... and for the most part the adult in me has been strong, brave, accepting of all the health curves that have been tossed my way these past 18 months. Yesterday I think the scared little girl in me was calling out. 
I don't why I've been thrown into this vortex of emotions .... yes, fear is one of the emotions but along with fear is joy and love. I leave early this morning to head back to Mayo for my MRI guided biopsy. My doctor called yesterday to confirm that they weren't able to find the lesions with the mammogram and ultrasound, which is what we both suspected would happen and that we needed to move forward with the MRI biopsy. I've had a couple breast MRIs done but never an MRI guided biopsy. I asked her what to expect. She said it's similar to an MRI except to plan for it to be around 2 hours, and that I will be in and out of a closed tube as they biopsy the site where the lesion is. The adult in me is okay about all of this. The little girl in me is scared to death. I realized this morning that I think she's screaming out to me now because she wants to have a voice ..... i've pushed her aside all of my adult life, after my dad died, the sexual abuse, trying desperately to be the "perfect" daughter to ease the pain and suffering of my mother who could no longer be there for her kids emotionally after my father died ... the secrets, the silence, the holding everything in has manifested into my health problems .... in my breast and in my pancreas. I think she's throwing tantrum now .... 

I remember vividly swimming with the dolphins in Bimini a month ago. That whole week I felt so alive and so playful. I can still see them in my mind's eye and I can feel them in my heart.

I am grateful for the love and support I have received ... I came downstairs this morning to a beautiful dolphin card from my partner Mary ... " ... let the dolphins and me, and the dogs and the cat, be in the tube with you" .... and my dear friend Michele (whom I met on my dolphin trip in Bimini) wrote ... "you have my big heart full of energy, light and love ... visualize the dolphins there with you. Breathe life and feel their grace and unconditional love surround you .... close your eyes and remember the special moments you shared with them in the warm waters of Bimini ... be there again and bask in the presence of safety .." and then some kind stranger posted the following comment to my blog last night:

"Hi- My name is Joe, and I found your blog while surfing blogspot. I was very compelled by your writing, and just wanted to leave a short comment.

I'm so sorry to read about your situation, but know that at least this stranger is thinking good thoughts for you =) Strength is a funny thing, and even when we think we are broken or even irreparable, we somehow find a way. I have no doubt that will be the case for you.

And I just had to say that Ahnung is adorable! She looks a lot like my sister's Australian Shepherd/mix."

If you're reading my blog Joe ... thank you. Your comment means more to me than you can imagine. It validates for me my belief that we are all connected. 

As I head off for my two hour procedure/biopsy I will know that I am not alone. I will imagine myself swimming with the dolphins for as long as they need to keep me in that tube. And as my friend and neighbor Jennifer says: "All of life is a closed tube. In our minds we can be free from all constraint. Bodhichitta coming your way."

Thank you all ... Namaste.


  1. Wow, what a beautiful, honest, and heartfelt post. I think you're very brave. We all have a child inside that feels life should always be joyful and kind. When it's not, we rebel or we have trouble accepting it. You seem on your way to accepting life as it is, not as you may wish it to be. And what a lovely post from Joe. I often feel disconnected from people but there are moments that we come together, and I treasure those moments.

    Good luck with your MRI.


  2. Thanks Jennifer! I appreciate your kind note. I really do believe we are all connected ... i'm not even sure how we got connected on cyberspace with our blogs but I appreciate that you follow my blog and I enjoy reading your blog.

    While waiting for the pathology reports to come back from the MRI biopsy I now really need to practice staying and being in the moment!