Thursday, August 19, 2010

Finding peace in the words of Rumi

This has been a challenging week for me healthwise. Yesterday at Mayo I had an MRI biopsy done. The enhanced area that was found in an MRI at the end of June was still there (I guess part of me hoped that it would have disappeared). The doctor removed 12 samples from the biopsy site. The nurse gently laid her hand on my back, stroked me, and said "you will hear a loud sound from the biopsy machine." She was right -- it sounded like a dentist drill and moments later I felt a deep, strong pressure against my left breast and could feel a foreign object penetrating my body. It felt like it was going to come through my chest wall. I took deep breaths and took myself back to the dolphins in Bimini as the nurse continued to stroke my back and whisper reassuring comforting words in my ear. The entire procedure was supposed to take 2 hours. In the end I was there close to 4 hours. A small metal clip was inserted to mark the biopsy site. Hematomas (blood clots) are rare occurrences with these procedures but unfortunately I fell into that small percentage and a large blood clot formed pushing the clip from its original site which led to more procedures. Finally, I was told I could go.

Now the waiting begins for the pathology report to come back ....  we are scheduled to meet my doctor and surgeon tomorrow morning at Mayo to go over the findings ... 3 possibilities keep playing over in my head: benign, atypia, cancer. I am trying not to worry. I admit it's hard. Can I be okay with whatever the outcome is? What am I afraid of? Why am I so afraid of hearing the words "cancer"? is it death itself or is it what I will have to go through along with my friends and family as a result of cancer?

Every time I go to Mayo I think of my dear friend Elaine. I think of the many trips she made to Mayo with her beloved partner Susan. 17 months after her initial diagnosis of breast cancer we lost her in April, 2009. Yet with her I never felt like she considered it a "battle with cancer." She was never "fighting" anything -- she was always embracing life, love, art, friendships, good food (yes, she was an amazing cook!) and in many ways even the cancer. She was an amazing woman and spirit who embraced all that life threw her way and relished each moment.

While I was in Bimini I had the chance to experience a deep quantum light meditation with others in our human pod. I found myself entering a trance like state ... I had never in my life experienced anything like that. And there was a moment where I felt so strongly the presence of my father and Elaine, and I found myself on the verge of tears. What a gift to feel their presence. What a gift to feel so alive and to recognize that we are always, even after death, still connected.

I still miss you so much Elaine. She was a poet and an artist ... so when I read poems I think of Elaine and as I read this Rumi poem this morning I could feel Elaine in my heart and in my soul ... I miss you Elaine and I know that you are with me telling me that I will be okay no matter what comes my way.

A Garden Beyond Paradise

Everything you see has its roots
    in the unseen world.
The forms may change,
    yet the essence remains the same.

Every wondrous sight will vanish,
every sweet word will fade.
    But do not be disheartened,
The Source they come from is eternal—
growing, branching out,
    giving new life and new joy.

Why do you weep?—
That Source is within you,
and this whole world
    is springing up from it.

The Source is full,
its waters are ever-flowing;
    Do not grieve,
    drink your fill!
Don't think it will ever run dry—
This is the endless Ocean!

From the moment you came into this world,
a ladder was placed in front of you
    that you might transcend it.

From earth, you became plant,
from plant you became animal.
Afterwards you became a human being,
endowed with knowledge, intellect and faith.

Behold the body, born of dust—
    how perfect it has become!

Why should you fear its end?
When were you ever made less by dying?

When you pass beyond this human form,
no doubt you will become an angel
and soar through the heavens!

But don't stop there.
Even heavenly bodies grow old.

Pass again from the heavenly realm
    and plunge into the ocean of Consciousness.
Let the drop of water that is you
    become a hundred mighty seas.

But do not think that the drop alone
becomes the Ocean—
    the Ocean, too, becomes the drop!



  1. So, may I ask...How are you? What were the results? Are you okay? (PCR)

  2. So...How are you? How did the test turn out? Are you okay? (PCR)