The next day there was no bleeding but I awoke with abdominal pain. Nonetheless, I was relieved. Maybe it did just 'go away'. Then yesterday I awoke at 4 am with abdominal pain and the bleeding return with just as much vengeance. My healer pushed me to call my GI doctor so I did. He was in surgery yesterday morning but was sent a message. His assistant called me back and said he wants me in right away to have a colonoscopy and with the bleeding to have labwork done today to check my hemoglobin level. Both my healer and GI doctor have said that with my family history (my mom having had colon cancer) they need to take extra precautions. So prepping for the procedure began last night. I had the worse headache last night (I'm hoping it was just stress) and feeling nauseous.
I realized last night that I am scared. A part of me is also tired of these health issues. I want to be able to just celebrate my new life and my new beginning. I am scared. I think what scares me the most is thinking about what would happen to my "kids" ... to Ahnung, Missy and Mister ... if something happened to me. I love these dogs more than anything ... even crazy boy Mister with all his quirkiness, energy and separation anxiety. Heck ... I bought a home with a huge backyard so we could be a family and all be together. Last night we snuggled on the couch. As my head was pounding and overcome with nausea I had a breakdown. I decided to just let my tears fall; to accept that I was afraid ... and in that moment I realized I'm not afraid for me, I'm afraid because I worry, yes I worry about my babies and I worry that I don't have my affairs in order should anything happen to me. Hopefully this bleeding is something minor. I guess i'll know soon enough. For now my "kids" give me strength and comfort and a reason to stay strong.