Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Facing fear

These past days have been a flurry of mixed emotions. I moved out of my old house, closed a chapter in my life and moved into my new home. This week for the first time I had all 3 of my beautiful big black dogs (Ahnung, Missy and Mister) with me. I am grateful to my friends Laura and Carol for helping me with my "kids" during the craziness of the move transition. My first night (Saturday night) was just Ahnung and me. She has been my constant companion through all of this with her calm, consistent, loving energy interspersed with moments of play. She has decided she loves to sleep on the new leather couch. I woke up Sunday morning with a  new symptom and a feeling in my gut (literally and figuratively) that something was wrong. That morning I had significant bleeding in my stool. It was as if my insides were coming out and I admit it scared me. It was like something inside of me had ruptured and like my intestines were coming out. It was as significant as that moment on September 14, 2009 when I had just arrived in New York, checked into my hotel room and soon discovered that my body could no longer digest fats ... a physical symptom so glaring it was impossible to ignore or write off. I called one of my healers that morning wondering what I should do. I wasn't in any pain and thought maybe it would just go away on its own. I didn't want to go to the emergency room. My appetite was fine and I wasn't nauseous and wasn't feeling any pain. So I opted to not go to the ER and told a couple close friends. I guess part of me hoped that if I didn't say anything (the good ole 'sweep it under the rug') it would just go away. I wanted to be able to celebrate my new home, and being a family again with all 3 of my dogs together and with me ... and to not mix it in with not so good health news.

The next day there was no bleeding but I awoke with abdominal pain. Nonetheless, I was relieved. Maybe it did just 'go away'. Then yesterday I awoke at 4 am with abdominal pain and the bleeding return with just as much vengeance. My healer pushed me to call my GI doctor so I did. He was in surgery yesterday morning but was sent a message. His assistant called me back and said he wants me in right away to have a colonoscopy and with the bleeding to have labwork done today to check my hemoglobin level. Both my healer and GI doctor have said that with my family history (my mom having had colon cancer) they need to take extra precautions. So prepping for the procedure began last night. I had the worse headache last night (I'm hoping it was just stress) and feeling nauseous.

I realized last night that I am scared. A part of me is also tired of these health issues. I want to be able to just celebrate my new life and my new beginning. I am scared. I think what scares me the most is thinking about what would happen to my "kids" ... to Ahnung, Missy and Mister ... if something happened to me. I love these dogs more than anything ... even crazy boy Mister with all his quirkiness, energy and separation anxiety. Heck ... I bought a home with a huge backyard so we could be a family and all be together. Last night we snuggled on the couch. As my head was pounding and overcome with nausea I had a breakdown. I decided to just let my tears fall; to accept that I was afraid ... and in that moment I realized I'm not afraid for me, I'm afraid because I worry, yes I worry about my babies and I worry that I don't have my affairs in order should anything happen to me. Hopefully this bleeding is something minor. I guess i'll know soon enough. For now my "kids" give me strength and comfort and a reason to stay strong.

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