Options that have been thrown out to me are tamoxifen and a double mastectomy. My gut right now does not feel that either are right for me because I sense something going on at a cellular level in my body. I knew there was something going on in my left breast before the doctors confirmed it through surgery and pathology reports. I knew it was my pancreas (with the help of my father appearing in my dream and letting me know it was pancreas) before my GI doctor could narrow it down to my pancreas and through enzymes have finally stopped the weight loss and fatigue.
So what do I do with this "knowing"? It's been so weird to feel both so alive and energetic while at the same time feel like my body is getting weaker ..... like cells are wreaking havoc inside of me ... like there's some kind of a battle going on inside of me. I have noticed the little things in how my body acts and responds that have indicated to me that my body is much slower to heal physical wounds and also that it's been fighting some kind of an infection. Yesterday was a rough day for me physically ... as much as I wanted to go out for a run as it was a gorgeous day here in Minnesota, I decided to listen to my body and just rest.
My dog Ahnung must've known I wasn't feeling well yesterday. She wouldn't leave my side which is unusual for her as she has an independent nature about her. Over lunch today we (Ahnung and I) are interviewing and going through an orientation at Regions Hospital so that we can start volunteering at the Riverside Cancer Clinic and hanging out with cancer patients as they are going through chemo. I am blessed to have my own personal therapy dog and furry angel by my side. I am blessed to have a wonderful support network of friends and family.
I reminded myself last night as I was struggling with pain and fatigue that the sun will rise again ... the fog will lift and the magnificent sun will emerge over the horizon ... and it did! I don't know where my journey is going to take me. I have good days and not so good days, and I am learning to embrace both.
"When your love reaches the core,
earth-heavals and bright irruptions spew in the air.
The universe becomes one spiritual thing, that simple,
love mixing with spirit."