Ahnung's 4th year anniversary - Grief visits again

Lake Superior (Two Harbors, Aug. 2017)

This year as the 4th year anniversary approached Grief arrived again. She had been visiting as she had when Ahnung was still with me physically. This time, she came to prepare us for the transitioning of the beloved 16.5 year old soul mate of my partner Joannie ... Piper (aka Pipey). On Aug. 17th, Ahnung welcomed Pipey into the spirit world. I believe she was there to assist Pipey as her spirit was set free from a body that had served her well, and much longer than most are able to ... Pipey, like Ahnung, was sent from God to help a specific Human through a difficult time in their lives and to open up their hearts.

Piper (Pipey)

Both Ahnung and Pipey walked with their Humans (myself and my partner) until their job on Earth was done.

Thank you Ahnung and Piper for your service; for watching over us; for bringing us together; for touching our hearts so we could learn to trust again; for believing in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves; for infusing your light, spirit and energy into not only our bodies and being, but into so many others blessed to meet you, whether in person, or virtually.

This morning I reflect on my journey and friendship with Grief.

I share past writings on this friendship, first unwanted .. when she came to my door in December, 2012:

Anticipatory Grief: Making Friends (December 27, 2012)

Grief walks up to your front door. It’s not time yet, you say. Yet she keeps on walking. She walks past the rose bushes in your front yard. She walks past the boulders you’ve carefully laid in her path. She walks past the detours you’ve planted to steer her around you and away from you. This time She is focused. And the rain is pouring and thunder is booming as the earth shakes and vibrates.

“Please,” She says, “I need shelter. I need to come in -- if only for a moment. “

Reluctantly, I let Grief in. I offer her a cup of warm tea. We sit by the fireplace.

“Why have you come?” I ask. “It’s not yet time.”

“It’s time. I am by myself tonight. Tomorrow I may not be alone. I may bring thousands of Me and there will be nothing you can do. We will break down your door. We will drown you. “

She pauses for a moment.

She strokes my dog Ahnung.

“Sit with Me now.”

We share stories. We cry. We laugh. Ahnung lays between us. A calm breeze permeates the room.

“It’s time for me go,” Grief says.

“But we have so much more to share,” I say.

She smiles. She rises, and Ahnung walks alongside her. Ahnung stops at the front door as Grief turns around to face me.

“I will be return. I may come alone, or I may bring a friend. Now, go be with Ahnung.”

We melt into the breeze coming through the open door.

Anticipatory Grief Visits Again (Mar. 3, 2013)

You came to visit me again last night.

Most days I see the clear blue skies, I catch my breath when I look up into the night skies, and I walk with my feet planted solidly on our earth.

Is it too much to ask for the World? For the Universe? For eternity …. For strings of days to never end with my sweet Ahnung? Is it too much to ask for Cancer to step to the back of the line? Is it too much to ask for the Love, the Wisdom, the Resilience, the brightness of Ahnung to shine on forever?

Dear Grief, I respect you. I honor you. I know you have a place in this world and in this universe. I know it’s not my place to negotiate with you. Yet when the earth shakes below my feet and when the ground moves and the tremors knock me off center, I desperately grab onto Ahnung. Last night, it was just an earth tremor. How many more tremors will I walk through with Ahnung? How many more tremors can the ground beneath us withstand until the inevitable quake on the horizon arrives? How many more tremors will I be blessed to endure before the ground beneath us splits open and swallows Ahnung? And will I be swallowed too? Will I be swallowed by the pain of You, dear Grief, as I desperately hold onto my soul, my Ahnung, as she slips away from me?

How? How do I accept, with grace, this Final Walk?

Grief looks me in the eye.

“When the earth shakes, and the ground beneath you falters, look up into the skies. Look into Ahnung’s eyes. Look up at the North Star. I gift you with the tremors.”

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I hold onto Ahnung as the earth beneath us stops shaking. I bury my face in her thick neck. I hold her. I hold her as tightly as I can. I hold her again.


Anticipatory Grief … Here to Stay (August 24, 2013)

Grief knocks on my door again. Ahnung greets Her at the door. This time she arrives with bags in hand.

“It is time.”

She opens the door, takes my hand and leads me outside.

We get down on our knees. She places one hand over Ahnung’s heart and one hand over my heart.

And she repeats to me what she said months earlier:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I look into Ahnung’s eyes.

Grief takes my hand, “It is time. We must begin the walk.”

In the dark, we are guided by the north star and the beat of our hearts.

My new house guest: Grief (August 31, 2013)

On August 25, 2013, as the sun was setting, I held my Ahnung in my arms, surrounded by friends, as her heart stopped beating. The weight of her body fell into my arms. She was gone. Physically gone. My heart wanted to stop breathing with her.

Grief, you took her place.

I have floundered in the darkness.

You again remind me of what you said to me in your many visits:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

Grief holds my hand. Walk with me. Close your eyes.

“When I visit you in waves know that I come with your Ahnung. Ride the waves with us. Open your heart … in the cracks and shattered pieces of your heart, let the light in, let the water in …  you must also let the sharp edges cut you. Sink into the waves. Hold onto me, hold onto Ahnung. One day I promise you, you will ride the waves with us and I will leave you. You  will learn a new dance and a new way to Be with Ahnung.”

I invite Grief into my house. I set up a guest room for her.

"How long will you stay?" I ask.

"You will let me know. Listen. Listen to your heart, to Ahnung's heart. There is a beat, a strong heart beat in the silence and in the spaces."

We sit by the fireplace and I offer her a cup of tea.

Into the night .... We tell each other stories. We sit in silence.

“Ahnung is with you.”

I look at at my new friend, “Teach me. Teach me to listen in a new way.”

Two Hearts.
Two Souls.
One Love.
------------

This morning I reflect on these words my friend Grief shared with me:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I have learned, with her help, and Ahnung, to embody these words. Earlier this week, my partner and I traveled up north to Lake Superior. We scattered some of Ahnung and Pipey's ashes into Lake Superior as the sun was setting on Aug. 20th ... along the rocky shores of Lake Superior, in Two Harbors, we found a quiet area. My partner played native American flute music, we offered tobacco, lit sage and as we scattered sprinkles of ashes of our beloved soul beings, we thanked them. I asked for Ahnung to watch over Pipey; to welcome her and show her the ropes of an amazing spirit world; to watch over my partner; to keep watching over me; to keep teaching me; to keep opening up my heart. I thanked her for bringing my partner Joannie and Piper into my life.

The next day we went to Gooseberry Falls State Park. We scattered more of their ashes in Gooseberry River, and in the trees. As I released Ahnung's ashes into the river, I thanked Ahnung once again for being everywhere and for continuing her work. I thanked Grief too .... Yes, Ahnung is the Fire inside of me ... she is in the oceans, the rivers and the lakes, the rocks. And yes, she continues to live on inside of me and through me.

Gooseberry Falls State Park

Lake Superior (Two Harbors)

These beautiful words of Rumi helped me through this journey .. they helped me welcome Grief into my home ... to find myself and crack my heart open so I could stay connected with Ahnung and to learn a new language ...

'Go and find yourself first

So you can also find Me

Don't run away from grief, o soul

Look for the remedy inside the pain

because the rose came from the thorn

and the ruby came from the stone'

'Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with their heart and soul, there is no separation'

~ Rumi

Miigwech Ahnung and Piper.

Taking the long, scenic joyous path ...

Ahnung and Legacy - Grand Marais, January, 2013

Last weekend we headed back up to East Bay Suites in Grand Marais with my friend Jenny, and my pups Ahnung and Legacy. We went last December (2011) when Legacy was still a youngster. Not knowing how much longer I will be blessed to have Ahnung with me, I decided we needed to head back up to the North Shores. There is something magical about waking up to the sound of waves crashing against the shore; there is something magical about walking Ahnung and Legacy on the beach; there is something magical about the water, the rocks, and the powerful silence of being in Grand Marais in winter. Ahnung and Legacy wrestled hard and then they slept hard. It made my heart sing to see so much life in my sweet girl. It's hard for me to wrap my heart around the reality of Ahnung's cancer .. of cancer that has spread to her lungs and that grew 30% in 4 weeks. I look at her, and I see life, joy, wisdom, resilience, purpose, peace, and love ... pure, simple, unadulterated love.

Heading to Woody's!

Since we've been back my sweet girl continues to do great! She is absolutely loving her raw whole food diet from Woody's Pet Food deli. She has now been on this incredible diet for a few weeks. For two weeks now she has been on a raw diet (previously she was eating cooked meat because she was on a low dose oral chemo drug).

Today my sweet girl came along for the ride to pick up the case of raw meat we had ordered from Woody's: 25 lbs of free range chicken with supplements. We stopped at Lake Harriet Veterinary on our way to picking up the food so we could weigh her. It's been a couple weeks since we weighed her. I was ecstatic when the scale read '61.8'! Wow ... she gained 4 lbs! At the end of November, she was down to 57 lbs. Not only does she love the food she is eating but it has helped her gain her weight back! After getting lots of hugs from the staff at Lake Harriet Veterinary we headed off to Woody's Pet Food Deli. Upon our arrival we were greeted by Liz. From the first time I went to Woody's they have been incredibly friendly and helpful. Liz hands me a small envelope .... ' a little something for you and Ahnung from a couple of her facebook friends' she tells me with a smile. I open up the envelope and in the envelope is a $50 gift certificate from two of her facebook fans (yes, believe it or not, Ahnung has 450 facebook fans! ;-) Liz goes on to tell me how the owners of Woody's were contacted and shared with them Ahnung's story, blog and facebook page; she shared how they were touched by her story and the work she does. I was so moved by this incredibly kind gift by two individuals whom neither one of us have actually met ... by two beautiful human beings who gave me the greatest gift ever ... sharing Ahnung's story. So Christian and Sharon, thank you ... thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the surprise, for your generosity, for taking the time to reach out to the owners of Woody's Pet Food Deli to pass along her story. And Ahnung thanks you for the yummy food she got today that she snarfed down for dinner! She will have many, many more delicious meals this week thanks to some amazing friends :)

When I look at Ahnung now I see a spirit so full of life. She doesn't know, nor does she care, that there is cancer in her body. With the weight gain and just how incredible she looks and feels, I am hopeful. I admit that I am also nervous about being hopeful. I am prepared to take this final walk with my precious girl. I am prepared to walk this path no matter where it takes us, but if I could have one wish it would be that this final walk be the longest, most scenic, most joyous, most playful walk where we can continue to celebrate again, and again, and again.

Ahnung at Woody's Pet Food Deli

Keep my sweet Ahnung safe ....

Sweet Ahnung ....

Tomorrow I leave for the Philippines. I will be visiting my mom and will also be attending the funeral of one of my aunt's who died suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack (rest in peace Auntie Norma -- you will be missed by many) ... It's been a while since i've been to the Philippines; it's been a while since i've traveled as my own health has held me back from traveling, as well as the health of Ahnung. But I knew I had to make a trip back home before the end of the year to see my mother. Little did I know that it would also end up being a trip for my auntie's funeral.

I must confess I am worried about being out of the country even though it's only for a week. I worry of being so far away from my sweet Ahnung. I worry her cancer will come back with a vengeance when I am gone. I'm also hoping that my health holds out and that I don't have any issues while I am out of the country. My doctors have given me the okay to travel.

I am extremely grateful to my friend Jenny for taking care of my babies while I am gone ... well, at least 3 of them (Ahnung, Missy and Legacy). Mister will get to go and hang out with auntie Laura :)

Dear sweet Ahnung .... continue to keep those cancer cells at bay and know that your mom will be with you in spirit even though she will be on the other side of the globe :) I'll see you in a week sweet girl ... take good care of your crazy brother Legacy and your sister Missy :)

Celebrating Life

Today I am celebrating my 48th birthday! Today I decided to take the day off from work and to celebrate life! My own health issues in the past couple years have taught me to be grateful for every day I have in this magnificent world ... and Ahnung's most recent bout with cancer in April has taught me to cherish every day and every moment I have with her. I have received the greatest gift I could ever ask for ... the chance to spend my birthday with my precious girl Ahnung. I'll be honest ... after Ahnung's major surgery on April 13th and after the doctors told me she had a rare invasive aggressive cancer and there wasn't anything we could do beyond the surgery, I braced myself for the worse ... the strong possibility that I would only have weeks, maybe months with her. We had the most incredible Celebration of Life party for her on April 22nd. I am so grateful for all the support, for the healing prayer circle led by my friend Merry Sawdey and the incredible photos taken by {lmj} Originals. We have now passed 4 months since her surgery and her second cancer diagnosis. We go back in at the end of the month for her 3 month check up with her vet. She's on chinese herbs and mushroom supplements and an anti-cancer diet. She is full of life and spunk, and breaks into puppy play with Legacy on a daily basis. And then she has quiet, wise, soulful moments. We have been visiting her friend 'M' in hospice every week.

If there's one thing I have learned over the years, it's that life will throw twists and turns. I love how author Jeff Goin eloquently states in the title of his new book: Wrecked: when a broken world slams into your comfortable life. As I reflect back over the past years I never would imagine I would be where I am today in my life. I am grateful for my life today. I am beyond grateful for the gift of Ahnung. I would be lying if I said I didn't worry about her. She has touched the lives and hearts of so many ... and my heart and her heart are forever bonded.

I love you Ahnung .... having you here by my side on my birthday is the best gift I could have ever asked for!!

Celebrating two years of knowing my north star, Ahnung

Ahnung lounging on the back
patio -- her favorite spot!

October, 2010 is a special month for us as I celebrate two years from when I first met my precious girl Ahnung up at Red Lake reservation shortly after she was rescued by Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue .... her name was 'Mama' at that time as she had been abandoned with a litter of 8 puppies and left to fend for herself and her puppies in the bitter winter of northern Minnesota. She has no front teeth ... her teeth ground down to her gums in an effort to scrounge and find food in the dirt and rocks and earth. We later learn she also has heartworm and a pellet in one of her nipples from a gunshot.

I had not planned on adopting this sweet girl. In fact, with two big dogs in a city home in St. Paul the last thing my partner and I needed was a third big dog. But often the best things in life are the unplanned and the unexpected .... Ahnung (which means 'star' in ojibway) came into my life for a reason as we have helped each other both heal.

Ahnung when I first met her
October, 2008

In November, 2008 I return to Red Lake to bring Ahnung home to the cities and into Pet Haven's foster program. Our bond continues to grow and I realize that there is a spiritual connection so deep I simply cannot ignore it. Ahnung takes her first city outing in November, 2008 and on that outing I take her to the Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis where I spend a fair amount of time taking classes and writing ... I share more about that excursion on a blog post. 

Since then she has been my angel ... we officially adopted her on January 3, 2009 and became a registered therapy dog through Delta Society in December, 2009. We volunteer now as a team working with at-risk youth, in hospice and will begin visiting cancer patients shortly. Ahnung maintains her own blog :) and has a facebook fan page ....

We received a beautiful gift and email yesterday when Ahnung received an email from one of her facebook fans. With permission, I am sharing with you a portion of the email:

Hello Ahnung –

I want to thank you for so many things.  I have been following you and your mother on Facebook for some time now and reading your blogs too.  You both bring so much joy into my life.  I am a pastor serving a Lutheran church in Minnesota and so often you bring me to the sacred and holiness of life.  This is a sweet thing because in the midst of my calling to bring those very things to those I share life with, I’m not always filled with them myself.  So, you guys are kinda my pastors. 

Ahnung - registered Delta Society
therapy dog!

What brought me to the point of writing today was your mother’s post on the Hunter’s Moon.  Her last paragraph is one of the most moving things I’ve ever read.  I like the poetry of Mary Oliver very much (and am heading to Barnes & Noble later today to pick up a newish book of hers) and it reminds me of her writing.  I’m also drawn to the mystical presence of the saints – a great cloud of witnesses – upon another shore and in a greater light – who have gone before us and I so often think of them in the night sky.  And I consider it my calling to find the holy, the sacred, the gift and the grace here on earth – in those we share life with.  Your Mom said this, sang this, so well.  Please thank her for me.

I came to you through a good, good friend of mine who went through the MSW program through St. Thomas and met you and heard you speak.  It may have been last fall.  She knew I would like you, so she took one of your business cards for me (which is proudly displayed on my bulletin board) and told me about your blog and Facebook page.  Since then, I’ve been a follower.

So again, Nung Nung, thanks to you and to your mother for making my day today.  And for doing the same so many other times.  While I’ve not yet told you until now (beyond some “likes” to your Facebook postings), you both are a gift and blessing to me.

Peace, my Friends.

C

Ahnung has been a true gift to me .... I hope in some small way I have been able to give back to her even just a a little. We are grateful that our writing and our blogging continues to touch the lives of others. Thank you "C" for taking the time to write to my sweet girl Ahnung and for letting her know that she is a gift and a blessing. Thank you also for your kind words to me. It means a lot to both of us to know that we are helping others in their respective journeys as we walk through our own journey of life ....

With recent health challenges I have learned be even more grateful for each day .... this morning I woke up feeling great!! A good night's sleep, no pain, my persistent cough subsiding and feeling energetic .... there are days when my body really struggles as I can feel and sense changes happening in my body at a cellular level. 

Every day is a gift to me now. The truth is, we don't know what tomorrow will bring, and that's okay. We have today. We have the moment ... and for me, my sweet nung-nung is a constant reminder to me to live in the present moment. 

God speaks to us in a language we can understand

I've been drawn to the path of animal therapy work with my dog Ahnung who officially became a registered therapy dog in December, 2009. I can never erase from my memory the first moment I saw her in October, 2008 up at Red Lake reservation in northern Minnesota. Her ears were down and pulled back, her tail down, her coat dull, her eyes spoke "I am tired and worn out." Her spirit, battered and beaten, as she nursed her litter of 8 yelping, needy puppies. Her rescuer Karen told me, "there is something special about this one."

Ahnung lived in an igloo in an outdoor kennel with her 8 puppies. She used her body to keep her puppies warm. Karen filled the igloo with straw and blankets to keep the pups and Ahnung warm ... northern Minnesota winters are harsh and unforgiving. At night time, somehow, some way Ahnung figured out how to get out her her kennel. How she managed to climb out of her kennel is still a mystery to Karen. All she knows is she would return to the shelter every morning to find Ahnung gone, and to return some time that morning in her own time (which often coincided with feeding time!). In October, 2008 my friend Laura and I had the chance to help Karen at her shelter, Red Lake Rosie's Rescue. I encourage you to check out her blog and to learn more about the amazing work she does up north for abandoned, abused and neglected animals. On that trip we met Ahnung and her pups -- I remember crawling into the igloo to pull the scrunched up puppies out of the igloo ... yelping, squiggly and squirmy. Our fingers frozen from the frigid temperatures, one by one we gave them their medicine. We squirt dewormer into their tiny mouths ... although we still wonder how much of it actually went in :)

Who knows how many litters of pups Ahnung had before she was rescued. Who knows how much suffering she endured before she fell into the angelic arms of her rescuer Karen. What we do know is that she came with 8 screaming little puppies, a positive diagnosis for heartworm, coccidia and lymes, no front teeth (she ground her teeth down to her gums in search of food) and a pellet remaining in one of her nipples. What we do know is that she arrived with a spirit so battered and beaten, all that was left was a small twinkle in her eye, and even that, one had to look deep into her eyes. I remember looking into her eyes and seeing the soul of a wise spirit and just knowing she had to come home with me. And so she did ... i returned in November, 2008 to pick her up (she had to stay for one more month to nurse her pups).

So my sweet girl has been with me now for a year and a half. In that time she has taught me so much as I have watched her spirit come to life. After 6 months, she finally learned how to play. Her brother Mister taught her how to play and she accepted his play invitation right around the time I was being told by my healing practitioners that "you have to learn  how to play to save your life."

There's a deep connection between us ... six months ago as I struggled with health issues she started to develop these lumps on her ear. Doctors couldn't explain what they were .. a pathologist said "cells are just dying and we don't know why." Meanwhile, I was walking a parallel path as doctors struggled to find the cause for my weight loss, inability to digest fats and fatigue. At about the same time again, Ahnung's lumps disappeared and they found the cause for my problems to be my pancreas.

Ahnung has also led me to working with at-risk youth in our therapy work ... she is guiding me there so I can heal the wounds of my childhood ... losing my Papa when I was 4, losing my mom emotionally at the same time, and years later, sexual abuse by a trusted family friend and Catholic deacon. It's amazing how much we are shaped by our early years of life and our experiences. She is teaching me how to free myself of secrets and that we can rise above pain, suffering and abuse. I look at her and I see how much she has been through and endured ... and as I hug her and hold her all I feel is pure, unadulterated love. As we volunteer as an animal therapy team at schools and hospice, I watch her "just know" which kid or adult needs her the most, and I watch her sit quietly next to a youth in a classroom who has shut the world out. And she just sits there, asking for nothing and simply giving her presence and love. And minutes later, I watch the young man extend his arm down to pet her. I am reminded of the line from the movie Avatar, "I see you."

Thank you Ahnung for teaching me to see. And thank you for seeing me.

If you would like to follow along in Ahnung's adventures be sure to check out her blog and if you'd like, you can also follow her on facebook ... yes, she even has her own fan page :)

Turning to my dog to shift my perspective

Yesterday was a rough day for me on many levels ... It started off well then started spiraling down. I found my head spinning and finding myself getting super stressed for a lot of different reasons. This morning I stumbled across a blog posting of Ahnung's from June, 2009. It made me smile. I needed that. Puts perspective back for me and reminds me to lighten up :) Thanks Ahnung!

Her blog is titled "Enough is Enough" ... and yes, I stole this post from my dog's blog:

I've been living here now for almost 6 months. Now, don't get me wrong ... I appreciate that my Humans have taken me in and rescued me (via the path of Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue, and then Pet Haven, from a horrible life of having to scavenge for food on my own. But enough is enough .... We get fed twice a day. My Human tells me we all get high quality food made from organic human-quality ingredients (editor's note: Ahnung is fed California Natural lamb and rice kibbles topped with organic yogurt and organic carrots; Mister is fed Nature's Variety raw diet because of food allergies we discovered this is the only food that works for him; Missy is fed Evo reduced fat kibbles - she is on a diet, not that she cares to be on one!; Henry is fed Nature's Variety raw rabbit).  

Well, YOU be the judge of what i'm protesting ... Take a look at the photo at the top. There's a little bowl and a big bowl ... Okay ... now take a look at the photo of Mister with his cute red bandana (yes, I admit, he's cute!). And then take a look ... no, take a close look at me with my easter bunny ears. You see my expression? .... just as i'm protesting those silly bunny ears, I'm protesting the lack of equality when it comes to food.

I digress ... back to my point: 

Little bowl vs. Big Bowl
Skinny Dog (Mister) vs. Big Dog (Ahnung ... that's me!)

Now, who do you think gets to eat out of the little bowl? And who do you think gets to eat out of the big bowl?? Have I made my point yet? And if I haven't, let me tell you what pushed me over the edge yesterday. My Humans bought this contraption they call a "grill" ... it takes up space where I sleep on my patio, but I was even willing to be okay with that, until yesterday! Take a look again at what I get to eat, and now take a look at what my Humans get to eat!  
Please don't think i'm not grateful, but let's be real now .... if you were given the option of little bowl, big bowl, or marinated grilled veggies (and my one Human even had shrimp on a few of the skewers) .... what would you choose?? Me ... i'm deprived of both quality AND quantity! Today, I am officially submitting a complaint to the powers at large ... join me in my protest!

Sense of Direction

I have always considered myself “navigationally impaired” and one who always gets lost and needs turn by turn directions. Don’t tell me to head east or west. Tell me turn left or right. Tell me landmarks. This morning as I was doing some research on the North Star as I work on developing more lesson plans for the animal assisted education work that Ahnung and I are doing at The Lab. When Ahnung came into Pet Haven’s foster program after being rescued by Karen Good up at Red Lake reservation, she originally came with the name “Mama.” Karen names dogs she rescues or finds abandoned who are pregnant as Mama until she can come up with a more permanent name. Karen asked me to name my precious girl, who at that time was simply known as “Mama”. At the time I was going through some very difficult painful times emotionally. There was a dark cloud that loomed around me, and a heaviness in my heart from some deep, old childhood trauma. I was struggling to make sense of my roots (being raised in a third world country on the other side of the globe) and to release a childhood secret of sexual abuse by a once trusted family friend – trust violated at such a young age, it was hard for me to trust humans. Something about Mama’s eyes spoke directly to my soul and to the little girl in me. I also sensed defeat in her and exhaustion from her struggles. A week later I told Karen I had a name for “Mama” … I wanted to name her Ahnung (pronounced Ah-NUNG) which means star in ojibway. I wanted Ahnung to always remember, and to be proud, of her roots and of where she came from. I also wanted to name her star because to me, she was my north star. She was the bright light, fixed in the vast night skies, where I would hold onto as I worked through some deep childhood pains. In the same way, I wanted her to know that I would always be there for her and that we would walk together in our journey to learn to trust again. I have come to realize that Ahnung has been my inner compass.

My external sense of direction has been lacking. What Ahnung has taught me is that my internal sense of direction has been strong. I may get lost going from point A to point B because I have spent many years nurturing and watering the seeds inside of me. She is now teaching me to look outward, to notice the stars, the skies, the children … she has built a bridge for me to reach the hurt child in me and to touch the hearts of kids/youth whose hearts have been hurt and who have learned not to trust. Ahnung has been my north star. And now as a registered therapy dog she has become the north star for so many more kids. In group settings at The Lab (where Ahnung and I volunteer) working with EBD youth - in one on one sessions; in classroom presentations --- time and time again I witness transformation through the connection that takes place between Ahnung and the kids. Somehow she just knows what to do and how to create a space where a kid can feel safe … and as she looks into the eyes of a kid, and the kid looks into her eyes, it’s as if I witness the birth of star. She has taught me, and she teaches these kids, that no matter what we have gone through, we can overcome our hurts and until we are able to feel the bright star in our hearts, she will continue to light up the night skies.

Sense of direction? Orientation …. Wanting to belong and to know where we are and where we are going. We have an inherent need to orient our lives and it can be found in the sacred spaces of our roots, our work, our places of worship, our environment. We all want to belong and to feel like we have a sense of place. Is your sense of place outside of you? Inside of you? Or both? And true north? Where is that for you?

I have been blessed with the gift of Ahnung ... she has been my guide and my north star. And now she is sharing her precious gift with so many others. Miigwech Ahnung.

Ahnung's anniversary of when I brought her home ...

Today, November 18th, is the one year anniversary of when I went up to Red Lake to pick up Ahnung. You can visit Ahnung's blog which I started in March of this year. In her first entry she shares a movie of her story.

I named her Ahnung (ah-NUNG) which means star in ojibway because I wanted her to have a name reflecting her roots and also because I knew my heart she would be not only be my north star, but the north star, for so many. I went back to my journals, and the day after we arrived back to the Twin Cities, i wrote the following:

"I believe Ahnung is going to be the star that will help guide me out of the darkness of my past. There is something about Ahnung. Her gentle spirit. Her motherly way. Her calm presence...."

Ahnung did just that and continues to be my star. I feel my father's spirit in her. A strong, calm, wise presence.

Today, I leave for the Philippines to see my mom. I am postponing some medical tests and procedures till after I return from my trip. It's important for me to go home and to see my mom. Yesterday I had hoped for good news with the ultrasound -- I had hoped that the lump that is growing in my breast would be fluid and a simple aspiration would take care of it. My gut told me it wasn't fluid. It's very much like the lump I had earlier this year that was removed surgically in May revealing pre-cancer cells. The ultrasound confirmed that it's not fluid. I will need to have surgery again. My body also continues to have problems digesting fat and nutrients. More tests when I return from the Philippines.

Yesterday was a day of mixed emotions for me. I struggled to balance a body that feels fatigued and weak with my desire to keep pushing hard with the work I do for Pet Haven .... I have to remember we have good days and we have bad days. Yesterday was a mix of both. As I prepare for my long journey to head home, I am grateful that it is on the one year anniversary of when I brought Ahnung home from Red Lake. She is my north star. I believe my father's spirit lives on through Ahnung ... that must be why when I look up in the skies and see the bright stars I know I am safe and I am not alone. The spirits of our loved ones remain with us forever ... they simply manifest and show themselves in many ways.

Here's what i say to my father: "Papa, you did good by picking Ahnung!"

Beauty and grace in the simple things ...

It's easy for me to lose my way. I've been through what feels like a roller coaster regarding my health. I still don't feel like I have complete closure. I at least know it's nothing critical (or at least I hope so) since my doctor has said she will discuss the "other findings" at our follow up appointment. I see her on Wednesday. It will be good to know what the "other findings" are.

This morning as I sat quietly in my hotel room here in San Francisco I thought of Ahnung and how she was, and still is, my north star. I traveled a lot as a kid. I travel a fair amount now in my job. My passion is the animal rescue work I do -- but that is all volunteer work. My paying job takes me around the country visiting professors and students at universities, giving presentations, teaching workshops and attending conferences and tradeshows. There have been times where I have woken up not knowing what state (mentally or physically) where I am at. There have been times I have gone out to the parking lot and not remembered what kind of rental car I had. This weekend I'm in a city by the bay -- yes, a beautiful city and even though i'm here for work I feel I should be celebrating. Yet I would rather be home in St. Paul with my partner, Ahnung, Missy, Mister and Henry. I would rather be home enjoying our brand new sod in the back yard, helping plant and catching a game of scrabble and drinking iced tea with my partner.

Ahnung ... my north star, reminds me of the beauty and grace in the simple things. For me, they are at home.

Ahnung continues to shine ...

Before I left home this morning, I let all 3 dogs out in the backyard. While Missy and Mister were tearing around the yard, chasing each other and acting possessed in their usual playful, spirited self .... sweet calm, mellow Ahnung sauntered around the yard, sniffed at the bunny on the other side of our fence ... mostly though, she sat quietly looking out towards the sun.



I continue to be drawn into Ahnung's calm, wise, centered presence. I think she has a special way of touching human souls in a way humans aren't able to touch each other's souls.

Ahnung continues to hang out weekly with "R" at The Lab. It has truly been amazing to witness how much "R", a wounded spirit, has opened up ... Ahnung probably has no idea how much she is helping so many of us heal.



Ahnung (pronounced Ah-NUNG and means "star" in ojibway) ... your star continues to shine brightly. Thank you for what you have brought to my life and to lives of so many others.

The healing power of animals

Ahnung, my north star continues to shine brightly.

What is it about animals that is so healing for all of us?
What is it about animals that nudges at our once closed heart, and touches a part of our soul once untouched?
What is it about animals that calms us?

Through the loving, forgiving, resilient, playful spirits of animals ...

I have witnessed transformation in myself
I have witnessed transformation in others
I have witnessed transformation in other animals ...

so what is it? what is it about animals that brings out hope, love and kindness? what is it about animals that dare us to risk and trust all over again? what is it about animals that reflects back to us what our true selves are capable of ... compassion, gentleness, understanding, resilience and forgiveness?

I ask Ahnung ever day ... what is it?

Today, I wish to simply be more like my dog Ahnung.

Reflecting on my trip to Red Lake Rosie's Rescue

As I pulled up to Karen's house and Red Lake Rosie's Rescue after almost 6 hours of driving, i stopped my car to soak in the moment and to prepare myself for time with Ahnung, with Karen, with dogs and cats fortunate enough to make it into Karen's loving care, and for time to help Karen with chores and to learn more about her work and the community and culture of the Red Lake reservation. My very first trip to Red Lake Rosie's was in mid-October. It was on that trip when I first met Ahnung (Karen temporarily named her "Mama" as she was abandoned along with her litter of 8) -- a 2-3 year old black (with some white) lab/pit bull mix whose eyes and spirit captured me from the moment I laid eyes on her in her kennel. Have you ever just had "that feeling" in your gut about someone, something .... that feeling that calls to you, not in words, or even reasoning .... a feeling and an instinct from your core, from your gut? Well... I felt that with Ahnung. I was honored when Karen asked me to give "Mama" a name .... I share my process of how I came up with her name, Ahnung, in a previous blog posting.

In mid-November I returned to Red Lake. Ahnung came home with me to the cities on my transport back and came into Pet Haven's foster program. Diagnosed with heartworm, Ahnung is going through treatment and since mid-November I have been visiting Ahnung every day at Bloomington Vet where she has been cared for and loved, and taking her on outings .... on my most recent trip, I decided to bring Ahnung with me. My intent was to simply foster Ahnung until she was ready to be put up for adoption and then let her go to a loving home. On this most recent trip, I came to realize that letting Ahnung go is not in the stars. Ahnung is my north star. Ahnung is a part or me, of my heart, of my being. She is my tie and connection to Red Lake. There are many reasons to feel a strong bond with Red Lake and the work Karen does up north in the reservation, however, Ahnung solidifies that bond with a spiritual cohesiveness I cannot explain. I made a decision while up north .... that if she gets along with my sometimes alpha dog Missy :) and my partner really truly is okay with it, that I would seriously consider adopting her and making her a permanent addition to our family. Yesterday, I brought Ahnung home to our house and introduced her to Missy and Mister. Within an hour they were all napping and I was able to get lots of work done. My partner spent time last night bonding with Ahnung and has even asked us to present to a class of at-risk kids she works with in a program through the St. Paul Public Schools (The Lab) on Thursday to share more about Pet Haven and Ahnung's story. Ahnung is excited to share her story with kids who have been through what she has been through, and to be a part of an outreach effort working with urban youth!


Every trip I have taken to visit Karen at Red Lake Rosie's Rescue strengthens my desire to help her out as much as I can. The hard work of caring for animals kept me grounded. The persistent dedication and unwaivering compassion of Karen in the midst of harsh conditions and circumstances, along with the incredibly beautiful and peaceful landscape of the reservation, lifted me to a spiritual level. I stayed in the guest room in the cat house with Ahnung. Every morning I woke up to a pleasant aroma of puppy poop and let the puppies out to run around and step all over Ahnung while I cleaned out their kennels and gave them fresh water and food :) Three puppies: Geesis (which means "moon" in Ojibway), Niki and Sunshine were fortunate to be in the warm cat house. Puppies with injuries or in poor health condition are taken out of the outside shelter and brought inside. Geesis had a large bite wound on his head and survived a dog attack; his litter mate Niki has a injured front paw; and Sunshine was found at the Red Lake dumpster extremely malnourished and with mange. All 3 puppies came back with me on the transport to the cities on Monday, 12/15 (in total I transported 14 dogs plus Ahnung!). Karen got more phone calls and requests to take in more abandoned, abused and neglected animals than i even imagined -- in a 3 day period we took in 19 animals and assisted in the rescue of miniature stallion, a donkey, an unwanted mama with a litter of 6 (left out in the frigid cold!), a dumpster pup (Sunshine) ... all the others were brought to the shelter by friends and caring community members of Red Lake.

Morning chores consist of cleaning out pens/kennels (both outside and in the cat house), providing fresh water (this entails pounding the frozen ice in the plastic buckets -- Karen told me not to be afraid to pound as hard as I want on the black plastic buckets with the hammer... i took her words to heart and got lots of upper body exercise pounding on buckets -- it's also a great stress reliever ;-) Mike and Sarah (Karen's niece) came every day to help with chores. Because pens were full, there are several big dogs who get to run "free" -- Grandpa, Clover (feral dog), Ginger, Hazel, and Fawn. Every morning i'd walk Ahnung on leash to go potty, and we would be greeted by the big dog welcoming party ... and then Hazel would, like a best friend does, walk by Ahnung's side as we took our morning stroll. I learned the importance of bundling up .. with windchills dipping down to minus 30 or 40 any exposed skin certainly got numb within a minute :) It was amazing to witness Karen interacting with the dogs -- every dog and cat is given a name shortly after they arrive. Karen knows the personalities of each of the dogs in her shelter. She knows who needs to be walked on leash, who can run free, who is alpha or dominant, who is submissive -- she knows that Grandpa (senior shepherd mix) loves all dogs but has problems with the male dogs so when the big dogs are let out during chores Grandpa goes to rest in the kennel along with Clover (a feral dog who has recently has started being picked on by Fawn who's vying for alpha female status ;-). After the big dogs have been let out to get exercise and all their pens cleaned with fresh straw, water and food put in, then the big dogs go back in their pens, and the puppies and little ones come out. Chore time is well-orchestrated and after a few days, I found myself fitting right into the groove and knowing what needs to be done and not getting in the way!

We would have a 2-3 hour break to get some rest before we resumed work on afternoon chores. In that time I had a chance to absorb the healing and loving energy of the shelter and Karen's work, a chance to hang out with Ahnung in the cat house or go for walks with her (while being surrounded by Grandpa, Ginger, Hazel and Fawn), or simply take time to write/reflect or take photographs.

It is impossible to capture in words the profound impact it had on me to spend time up with Karen at Red Lake Rosie's Rescue. Karen took me into Red Lake and showed me around and pointed out the many sites where abused dogs had been found. She pointed out the baseball field where Ode was found wandering with her ears burned. She pointed out where Ahnung and Spice Girl (a boxer mix with an injured leg who had a litter of pups and was abandoned -- Pet Haven took her into our foster program; she has seen been adopted by a very loving family and is doing great!) were found. She pointed our where the Red Lake dumpster was where many, many puppies and kittens are left to die.

Yet, in the midst of all the abuse and suffering of animals, there is a woman, Karen Good, who is the north star for animals of the Red Lake reservation. In the midst of all the suffering, I felt this tremendous sense of hope. I share the belief with Karen that we must hold onto what we can do for these innocent beings. We must believe that each and every one of us can make a difference.

What I continue to learn on a daily basis from the work I do with Pet Haven and Red Lake Rosie's Rescue, is that these abandoned, abused and neglected animals are actually giving us a greater gift. For those of you that feel that Ahnung is the lucky one to have found refuge in my home and in my heart.... what I can tell you is that I am the lucky one that our stars aligned and she came into my life. That something magical, that some mystical about Ahnung (my north star) is helping me heal a deep emotional wound -- and in the process freeing me to move forward in my life with more authenticity, truth and courage.

May we all find our own truth through the loving, forgiving and resilient nature of these beautiful animals.



Thank you Karen
Thank Ahnung.
And thank you to each and every one of you for caring.


To view photos from my trip visit my flickr site.

Lessons from a rescued dog...

What is the heart?
- Rumi

What is the heart? It is not human,
and it is not imaginary. I call it

you. Stately bird, who one moment
combines with this world, and the

next, passes through the boundary to
the unseen. The soul cannot find you

because you are the soul's wings, how
it moves. Eyes cannot see you: you

are the source of sight. You're the
one thing repentance will not repent,

nor news report. Spring comes: one
seed refuses to germinate and start

being a tree. One poor piece of wood
blackens but will not catch fire.

The alchemist wonders at a bit of
copper that resists turning to gold.

Who am I that I'm with you and still
myself? When the sun comes up,

the complicated nightmind of the
constellations fades. Snowforms do

not last through July. The heart-
quality embodied by our master, Shams

Tabriz, will always dissolve the old
quarrel between those who believe in

the dignity of a human being's decisions
and those who claim they're all illusion.

Ahnung the morning in mid-November when she was getting ready for her trip to the cities!.

What is it about the soul and spirit of an animal that frees so many of us from the chains of our past? What is it about the resilience and innocence of a rescued animal that taps into the core of our being?

What is it about Ahnung that touches a part of my heart never touched before?

Next week Ahnung and I are returning to Red Lake (view photos from my last trip where Ahnung was transported back to the cities) -- we are spending close to a week up north to help with chores and to transport more rescued dogs back to the city.... okay, i'm helping with chores and Ahnung will have a chance to reconnect with old pals and relax and lounge around :)

Next week will be healing for both of us.