Ahnung's 4th year anniversary - Grief visits again

Lake Superior (Two Harbors, Aug. 2017)

This year as the 4th year anniversary approached Grief arrived again. She had been visiting as she had when Ahnung was still with me physically. This time, she came to prepare us for the transitioning of the beloved 16.5 year old soul mate of my partner Joannie ... Piper (aka Pipey). On Aug. 17th, Ahnung welcomed Pipey into the spirit world. I believe she was there to assist Pipey as her spirit was set free from a body that had served her well, and much longer than most are able to ... Pipey, like Ahnung, was sent from God to help a specific Human through a difficult time in their lives and to open up their hearts.

Piper (Pipey)

Both Ahnung and Pipey walked with their Humans (myself and my partner) until their job on Earth was done.

Thank you Ahnung and Piper for your service; for watching over us; for bringing us together; for touching our hearts so we could learn to trust again; for believing in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves; for infusing your light, spirit and energy into not only our bodies and being, but into so many others blessed to meet you, whether in person, or virtually.

This morning I reflect on my journey and friendship with Grief.

I share past writings on this friendship, first unwanted .. when she came to my door in December, 2012:

Anticipatory Grief: Making Friends (December 27, 2012)

Grief walks up to your front door. It’s not time yet, you say. Yet she keeps on walking. She walks past the rose bushes in your front yard. She walks past the boulders you’ve carefully laid in her path. She walks past the detours you’ve planted to steer her around you and away from you. This time She is focused. And the rain is pouring and thunder is booming as the earth shakes and vibrates.

“Please,” She says, “I need shelter. I need to come in -- if only for a moment. “

Reluctantly, I let Grief in. I offer her a cup of warm tea. We sit by the fireplace.

“Why have you come?” I ask. “It’s not yet time.”

“It’s time. I am by myself tonight. Tomorrow I may not be alone. I may bring thousands of Me and there will be nothing you can do. We will break down your door. We will drown you. “

She pauses for a moment.

She strokes my dog Ahnung.

“Sit with Me now.”

We share stories. We cry. We laugh. Ahnung lays between us. A calm breeze permeates the room.

“It’s time for me go,” Grief says.

“But we have so much more to share,” I say.

She smiles. She rises, and Ahnung walks alongside her. Ahnung stops at the front door as Grief turns around to face me.

“I will be return. I may come alone, or I may bring a friend. Now, go be with Ahnung.”

We melt into the breeze coming through the open door.

Anticipatory Grief Visits Again (Mar. 3, 2013)

You came to visit me again last night.

Most days I see the clear blue skies, I catch my breath when I look up into the night skies, and I walk with my feet planted solidly on our earth.

Is it too much to ask for the World? For the Universe? For eternity …. For strings of days to never end with my sweet Ahnung? Is it too much to ask for Cancer to step to the back of the line? Is it too much to ask for the Love, the Wisdom, the Resilience, the brightness of Ahnung to shine on forever?

Dear Grief, I respect you. I honor you. I know you have a place in this world and in this universe. I know it’s not my place to negotiate with you. Yet when the earth shakes below my feet and when the ground moves and the tremors knock me off center, I desperately grab onto Ahnung. Last night, it was just an earth tremor. How many more tremors will I walk through with Ahnung? How many more tremors can the ground beneath us withstand until the inevitable quake on the horizon arrives? How many more tremors will I be blessed to endure before the ground beneath us splits open and swallows Ahnung? And will I be swallowed too? Will I be swallowed by the pain of You, dear Grief, as I desperately hold onto my soul, my Ahnung, as she slips away from me?

How? How do I accept, with grace, this Final Walk?

Grief looks me in the eye.

“When the earth shakes, and the ground beneath you falters, look up into the skies. Look into Ahnung’s eyes. Look up at the North Star. I gift you with the tremors.”

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I hold onto Ahnung as the earth beneath us stops shaking. I bury my face in her thick neck. I hold her. I hold her as tightly as I can. I hold her again.


Anticipatory Grief … Here to Stay (August 24, 2013)

Grief knocks on my door again. Ahnung greets Her at the door. This time she arrives with bags in hand.

“It is time.”

She opens the door, takes my hand and leads me outside.

We get down on our knees. She places one hand over Ahnung’s heart and one hand over my heart.

And she repeats to me what she said months earlier:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I look into Ahnung’s eyes.

Grief takes my hand, “It is time. We must begin the walk.”

In the dark, we are guided by the north star and the beat of our hearts.

My new house guest: Grief (August 31, 2013)

On August 25, 2013, as the sun was setting, I held my Ahnung in my arms, surrounded by friends, as her heart stopped beating. The weight of her body fell into my arms. She was gone. Physically gone. My heart wanted to stop breathing with her.

Grief, you took her place.

I have floundered in the darkness.

You again remind me of what you said to me in your many visits:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

Grief holds my hand. Walk with me. Close your eyes.

“When I visit you in waves know that I come with your Ahnung. Ride the waves with us. Open your heart … in the cracks and shattered pieces of your heart, let the light in, let the water in …  you must also let the sharp edges cut you. Sink into the waves. Hold onto me, hold onto Ahnung. One day I promise you, you will ride the waves with us and I will leave you. You  will learn a new dance and a new way to Be with Ahnung.”

I invite Grief into my house. I set up a guest room for her.

"How long will you stay?" I ask.

"You will let me know. Listen. Listen to your heart, to Ahnung's heart. There is a beat, a strong heart beat in the silence and in the spaces."

We sit by the fireplace and I offer her a cup of tea.

Into the night .... We tell each other stories. We sit in silence.

“Ahnung is with you.”

I look at at my new friend, “Teach me. Teach me to listen in a new way.”

Two Hearts.
Two Souls.
One Love.
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This morning I reflect on these words my friend Grief shared with me:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I have learned, with her help, and Ahnung, to embody these words. Earlier this week, my partner and I traveled up north to Lake Superior. We scattered some of Ahnung and Pipey's ashes into Lake Superior as the sun was setting on Aug. 20th ... along the rocky shores of Lake Superior, in Two Harbors, we found a quiet area. My partner played native American flute music, we offered tobacco, lit sage and as we scattered sprinkles of ashes of our beloved soul beings, we thanked them. I asked for Ahnung to watch over Pipey; to welcome her and show her the ropes of an amazing spirit world; to watch over my partner; to keep watching over me; to keep teaching me; to keep opening up my heart. I thanked her for bringing my partner Joannie and Piper into my life.

The next day we went to Gooseberry Falls State Park. We scattered more of their ashes in Gooseberry River, and in the trees. As I released Ahnung's ashes into the river, I thanked Ahnung once again for being everywhere and for continuing her work. I thanked Grief too .... Yes, Ahnung is the Fire inside of me ... she is in the oceans, the rivers and the lakes, the rocks. And yes, she continues to live on inside of me and through me.

Gooseberry Falls State Park

Lake Superior (Two Harbors)

These beautiful words of Rumi helped me through this journey .. they helped me welcome Grief into my home ... to find myself and crack my heart open so I could stay connected with Ahnung and to learn a new language ...

'Go and find yourself first

So you can also find Me

Don't run away from grief, o soul

Look for the remedy inside the pain

because the rose came from the thorn

and the ruby came from the stone'

'Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with their heart and soul, there is no separation'

~ Rumi

Miigwech Ahnung and Piper.