Life and Loss: Making friends with Uncertainty

I woke this morning, grateful …. Grateful that I woke up and grateful to still have my precious Ahnung with me, and yes, grateful also for Missy, Mister and Legacy. I realized this morning that yes, I celebrate every day but I also realize with every ‘special’ day or event, I have an ever greater sense of gratitude. When life begins, we celebrate a lot of Firsts … first breath, first step, first word … and first birthday, first Christmas, first New Year’s, first Easter, first Hannukah, … I now notice, how I find myself asking "will this be our last ____?"

After Ahnung was diagnosed with mammary cancer in July, 2011 I didn’t know how much longer I would have her. When I was diagnosed in April, 2011 with a rare heart disease (left ventricular non compaction) that would lead to heart failure with an unknown time of when that would happen, or when the disease would progress … would it come slowly, would it hit me suddenly? .. I too wondered how much time I would have on this precious planet.

In 2011 a new acquaintance came into our lives, Uncertainty. I admit when Uncertainty crashed down our doors, she wasn’t really welcome. She snuck in through our back doors. Since then she has made it clear she is here to stay in our lives. She has made herself comfortable in our living room, in our studio, in our den, in our dining room. In April, 2012 with Ahnung’s second diagnosis with cancer – this time a rare, aggressive cancer (invasive adenosquamous carcinoma) – I once again went through a rush of emotions: fear, anger, deep sadness, and yes, anticipatory grief lingered with me. We had a Celebration of Life party for Ahnung in April, 2012 and every special event or day was a significant celebration for us. We went to the 2^nd spay/neuter and vaccination clinic in August, 2012 up at Leech Lake Reservation; we celebrated Thanksgiving … and shortly after Thanksgiving and after I returned from visiting my mother in the Philippines, I learned Ahnung’s cancer had metastasized to her lungs. Another jolt with Uncertainty. We tried chemo for a month to no avail … but yes, we still celebrated Christmas and at the end of 2012, made the decision to stop chemo and together we would walk the Final Walk together. I realize now that our acquaintance, Uncertainty, was no longer an acquaintance … she was now a friend, a family member. She too has been walking with us on this Final Walk, guiding us and teaching us along the way.

We celebrated a New Year on January 1, 2013 and in the back of my head I am always asking … will this be my last New Year’s with Ahnung? Whenever I fast forward, I imagine a day without my Ahnung, my north star, and the sharpest, deepest pain cuts straight through my heart. Uncertainty reminds me we don’t know how our stories, or Ahnung’s story, will unfold. She reminds me to embrace her and to live in the moment. She reminds me how I feared Ahnung wouldn’t be around much longer after her first diagnosis with cancer in July, 2011; how I thought her Celebration of Life party in April, 2012 would be her only Celebration of Life Party … and yet, in April, 2013 we had yet another amazing Celebration of Life party for Ahnung. My precious girl was also able to go with me to the 3^rd spay/neuter clinic we had up at Leech Lake Reservation in March, 2013 and we are gearing up for our 4^th clinic next week at Leech Lake.

Ahnung continues to feel great and to be so full of life. Yesterday, she was rolling around in the backyard, playing with her brother Legacy. Moments later I see her take off and instigate a play of chase with Legacy. With 2 luxating patella and arthritis in her back, I fear Ahnung will hurt herself so I immediately run out into the yard and put a stop to their game of chase, much to their dismay. I recall how one of her young friends, Ian, introduced Ahnung to his friends at the Family Fun Night event we were blessed to be a part of at St. Mark’s Episcopal church …. With a big smile on his face he said, “and this is Ahnung. She has cancer. But she doesn’t know she has cancer.” Later that night Ian learned how to make a medicine wheel .. the theme for the night

Ahnung and Ian at her 2nd Celebration of Life Party

was Native American culture and how we are all neighbors. At the end of the night, he walked over to me and Ahnung, offered me the medicine wheel he had made and said, “this is for you ….. and for Ahnung.” Ian is right. Ahnung doesn’t know she has cancer. She doesn’t know she has 2 luxating patella and arthritis in her back. Through her actions, her way, her presence, she communicates to me: “I am not my disease. I am not a label. I am not Cancer. I am Ahnung .. and I am alive.” And so through Ahnung I have learned that I am also not my disease. Yes, this so called heart disease will eventually cause my heart to fail. And as my friend Uncertainty tells me, “there is only one thing that is certain. That we will all die. No one knows When.” There are simply some things we can’t control.

Ahnung has already defied the odds. As of March, 2013 the largest tumor in her lungs is now 4 cm. It’s been another 2 months since her chest x-ray … who knows how large the tumors are in her lungs at this point, or even if they are still there. I have decided I don’t need to have an x-ray to dictate how I feel. What I need to do is to simply Be here for Ahnung, to listen to her with all my senses, and to notice if she has any symptoms … what I do know is that today, she is full of life and she is pain free and symptom free. Tomorrow, or later today, who knows … but what matters, is today, this moment. And so it goes … this precious moment, and the next precious moment, and the next .... and when I string all the amazing precious moments together they create the most colorful, soul-filled memories.

So to our friend Uncertainty … Thank you for walking with us on this Final Walk. Thank you for taking us on the scenic, joyous, adventuresome route. And thank you for being our Guide, our Mentor, our Teacher.

Listening ... listening with my heart ...

My sweet Ahnung had a good day yesterday and a restful night. The pain meds must be working ... I am beyond grateful for that. She also continues to spend time by the healing river rocks in the living room, intentionally choosing to nap by the rocks a couple times a day.

About an hour ago she followed me around. It was obvious she wanted to go outside. Her siblings were outside playing and since she had just gone potty I wasn't sure why she was wanting to go out again ... maybe to play with Legacy? I continued working. She came up to me again and kept staring at me. Then standing up and turning around as if to tell me to follow her. So I did. I brought her siblings in from outside and let her out. She very intentionally and purposefully went to the tree and laid down under the tree. She has never done that before. I have come to learn that Ahnung does everything with intention and purpose. She quietly laid by the tree for 30 minutes, then asked to come in. When she came, she immediately went to lay on the rug in the living room by the healing river rocks. She continues to lay by the rocks.

I have no doubt Ahnung is trying to tell me something. I have no doubt she has a reason for why needed to sleep by the tree. I must admit it brought up lots of emotions for me ... emotions of deep sadness as it was on July 2, 2007 when I made the heart wrenching decision to let my sweet boy Shadow go. He had been diagnosed with intestinal cancer and was given a few weeks. I brought him home so we could enjoy his last days/weeks. In the early morning of July 2, 2007 Shadow burrowed himself by a tree in the backyard by the memory stone. He had never done that before. I knew at that moment he was telling it was time to set his spirit free. Later that morning I took him to Lake Harriet Veterinary and held him tightly as his spirit was set free. I don't believe that is what Ahnung is telling me now. I know she is telling me something ... in my gut I believe she is doing all she needs to do to get the healing she needs from all the various sources in the universe. Maybe she is reaching out to Shadow, and every time she lays by the river rocks she knows she receives healing energy and love from a large community of supporters and friends.

Dear sweet girl ... I will keep listening. I will keep opening my heart to listen to what you need. Continue to guide me to do what is in your best interest. And dear sweet Shadow, know that you are still missed :)

Shadow ... July 2, 2007. I still miss you angel boy.

The wisdom of Ahnung

Air mattress set up so I could sleep by Ahnung

It’s been amazing to witness the wisdom of Ahnung. She slept hard last night (we woke up a couple times so I could give her meds). It was music to my ears to hear her breathe and snore. We will have another slumber party tonight … amazing how well I slept on the air mattress. I guess it’s because I was near my girl.  Ahnung has been intentional about how much she moves. It’s as if she knows she needs to rest to let her body heal. She’s been sleeping on her Martha Stewart bed in the kitchen .. close access to food, to the back door and a prime spot to see all that’s happening. She normally rotates beds in the house so the fact she is only sleeping on the blue bed is an intentional choice. And twice yesterday she got up to move to the living room to lay and sleep by the healing river rocks from her Celebration of Life party. Her little brother Legacy misses playing with her. This morning he dropped his tug toys by her and stood over her. That normally initiates play but Ahnung simply let her little brother be near her. He didn’t do his usual yanking on her leg.  It’s as if I could hear her communicate with her little brother …. I’m here. I love you but I need to rest.

My sweet girl this morning

And recently I’ve noticed a new lump. But I’m due for my 6 month check up with my surgeon and MRI in April so I’ve been disregarding it. I know my health journey and Ahnung’s health journey are so interconnected. Ahnung has a powerful way of communicating with me and getting my attention. While she was resting comfortably yesterday it gave me time to pause and reflect. I picked up the phone and called my doctor’s office. Tomorrow I go in to see my doctor to get the lump checked out.

Today she continues to rest comfortably. We feel blessed to have such a community of love and support around us.

I know we are on our final walk. Despite the largest tumor in her lungs growing by almost 50% since the end of December, she shows no symptoms of the cancer metastasizing her lungs. Her breathing is normal. Her latest blood work was normal. Her lymph nodes are normal. She continues to surprise her doctors that she has no symptoms from the cancer … but that’s my miracle girl :) If we can continue to manage the pain from her back arthritis and luxating patella, we will continue to keep walking this final walk and we will continue to explore with child-like curiosity the wonders, mysteries and magic that lies in front of us every moment …

Namaste.

Marilou & Ahnung (aka nung-nung)

Legacy misses playing with his sister

Sleeping by the basket of river rocks

Awakening to a wild cry

I woke up at 4 am. I’ve been waking up periodically through the night for a few weeks. I suspect it’s my heart acting up again. For the past 10 days I’ve been waking sometime between midnight and 12:30 am. Last Sunday, 1/13, Ahnung woke me up at 12:30 by scratching on my bedroom door. She didn’t need to go out. It was clear, however, she was trying to communicate something to me. I wrote about it on my last blog post, “Listening … really,truly listening.” Later that morning I made reservations to head up to Grand Marais at the end of the month for the two of us to spend time alone. I could sense a shift in her energy, in our energy, in the bond that tightly connects us. And early yesterday morning (Sunday, 1/20) she did the same thing. She woke me up at 12:30 am by scratching on my bedroom door. She didn’t need to go outside. She didn’t want to sleep in the bedroom with us. I did what I did last Sunday. I walked down the hallway and she followed me. I started up the steps, and just like last Sunday, she plopped down at the bottom of the steps and just looked at me. She wouldn’t move. She didn’t appear to be in any pain or discomfort. It was more, “I’m trying to tell you something.” And like last Sunday I came down the stairs and I just held her and hugged her. For 10 minutes we remained at the bottom of the stairs. She normally rolls over on her back and wants belly rubs, but just like last Sunday she sat upright taking in and soaking in my embrace and my hold on her. Once again, I knew she was trying to tell me something. We both went back to sleep. When I woke up later Sunday morning she was sleeping on the couch downstairs … another unusual behavior for her. As I always do, I made note of it in my head and in my heart. My sweet girl does everything with intention and purpose.

I went to bed at 9:30 last night. Missy and Mister were on the dog bed next to my bed, Legacy in his kennel and Ahnung chose to sleep upstairs in my meditation room.  As always, I gave her a kiss and said goodnight before heading downstairs. I didn’t wake up at 12:30 last night. In fact, for the first time I slept through the night from 9:30 till 4 am. I awoke at 4 am and was laying bed for a couple minutes when I hear this bloodcurdling cry. It startles me and also Missy and Mister who rush to the bedroom door. I jump out of bed and as I race to the bedroom door I hear the piercing cry again. It’s a high pitched cry and one I have never heard before. It’s a sound of a wild animal. The thought, ‘is there some wild strange animal in my house!’ flashes through my mind. I open the bedroom door to find Ahnung. She is facing me, laying down, her eyes are fixated on me and her tail wagging frantically,. It wasn’t an exuberant happy tail wag; it was a tail wag that was clearly trying to communicate to me something was wrong. She wasn’t panting or having any trouble breathing. Something was clearly off but what exactly I wasn’t sure. I am constantly watching and listening for any signs of breathing problems with Ahnung. Even Missy and Mister knew something going on. Normally I am unable to be near Ahnung or Legacy, petting them, without Missy or Mister coming up to me and wanting me to pet them and not their siblings. I let Legacy out of his kennel and he too knew something was going on. Missy, Mister and Legacy all gave me and Ahnung the space we needed. I sat on the floor next to Ahnung who continued to just look at me. Her eyes piercing through my soul. Her breathing is normal and her tail begins to wag in a more ‘normal’ fashion. I hold her face and start petting her. She rolls over on her side. Ahhh, that’s my girl. She wants belly rubs. I go upstairs to let Missy, Mister and Legacy outside. Ahnung doesn’t follow us. I return downstairs and she’s in the exact spot she was, laying upright with her eyes fixated on me as I turn the corner to walk down the hallway. I sit next to her for a while and listen to her breathing. There’s a calmness that comes over her. I tell her I am with her. I am always with her and I will not leave her side.

Ahnung (and Hazel) at Red Lake Reservation in Nov., 2008

I get up to walk down the hallway to see if she will follow me. Her eyes follow me but her body doesn’t move. Is it her luxating patella? Is she in pain if she moves? Is that why she was crying? Moments later she gets up and walks towards me. In some ways I am relieved it’s not her luxating patella, in other ways I’m not. I know in my heart she is continuing to communicate with me. I get a treat and her tail wags exuberantly. Yes, it’s the happy tail wag. I smile. She follows me upstairs and after I let her siblings in from the backyard they continue to leave Ahnung alone and to allow me to sit on the floor next to her, petting her. Her eyes continue to follow me. She’s now sleeping soundly in the small dog bed. She is snoring and twitching. She is resting comfortably.

I am doing my best to listen .. to really, truly listen to Ahnung. I write and I notice patterns. Nothing with Ahnung, or even me, is a coincidence. Why have I been waking up at 12:30 am for the past 10 days? For 2 Sundays Ahnung has woken me up by scratching on my door at 12:30 am. Thinking she might need to go potty, I head upstairs to let her out. Both times she has stopped at the bottom of the stairs wanting only for me to come to her and hold her. And later in the morning (and this happened last Sunday and also yesterday) I have seen  Ahnung more playful than ever. Yesterday morning she was acting more like a puppy than I had ever seen her and initiating wild, crazy, exuberant play with Legacy.  And why is it that for the first time in 10 days I didn’t wake up at 12:30 this morning. Instead, I woke up at 4 am and minutes later I hear Ahnung’s bloodcurdling cry?

In my volunteer work in hospice I have walked the final walk with many patients. I have seen them come to life right before the very end. There’s a part of me that wants to celebrate when I see Ahnung tearing around the backyard like a puppy. There’s another part of me that wants to cry because I fear the end may be nearing. There’s a reason why she cried like a wild animal at 4 am this morning. She doesn’t appear to be in any pain or discomfort. Yet, what is she trying to tell me? I also know it’s possible she’s trying to communicate with me that there’s something going on with my own health.

Ahnung and her friend Jaycee -visiting 2nd graders

Sweet precious girl, I will keep listening with all of my heart. With every fiber of my being I will do whatever I need to do to keep you comfortable and free from suffering. I will let you go when it is time to let you go and you are suffering and your spirit is crying to be set free from your body. I know you are trying to help me prepare. I know that. I also know you are going to live and die in the majestic, wise Ahnung way. You will live life to the fullest and something in my gut tells me that one day … one day, you will just go. Something tells me you will not have a slow decline. Something tells me you are giving me the time I need to prepare. When you feel your work is done I know you will go. I so desperately want to tell you your work is not done. I want to tell you your work has just begun. A week ago today you visited your friend Jaycee’s class … a class full of wonderful 2^nd graders and you made a young girl extremely happy. You touched the heart of Jaycee who came to your April Celebration of Life party; you touched her heart so much that she shared your story with her classmates; you touched her heart so much that she wanted to share you with her classmates (to read more about Ahnung’s visit to Jaycee’s class last Monday check out Ahnung’s blog: http://ahnung-northstar.blogspot.com/2013/01/ahnung-visits-her-friend-jaycees-school.html)

Dear sweet Ahnung, I hear your high-pitched cry from this morning. The cry vibrates through my veins. And now I watch you sleeping soundly … snoring, twitching and at rest. Yes, we are on this Final Walk, and we are on this walk together. I suspect later this morning you will be hard at play with Legacy, acting as if nothing happened at 4 am this morning. Yet I know, we are venturing down a new path on this Final Walk … waking me up at 12:30 am two Sundays in a row and now this morning at 4 am with a bloodcurdling cry is not something to disregard. If there is one thing I know … everything, absolutely everything my sweet nung-nung does is with intention and purpose.

I live with more questions now … I strive to find peace in the uncertainty, in the blur, in the mystery of life ... and death.

For now, I continue to celebrate you and to live in the moment with you, as I pray for many, many more moments with you.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers.” 

 ~ Rilke.

If I could save time in a bottle ....

Ahnung - July, 2011; dx of mammary cancer

For some reason Jim Croce's song, "If I could save time in a bottle" has been playing over and over in my head ... so this morning I decided to take the time to create a video for my sweet Ahnung. I am blessed to be able to welcome the New Year with my precious girl.

My mind continues to fast forward and my heart begins to ache when I imagine the day when I will no longer have my star physically by my side. I have to constantly remind myself to stay in the moment, to stay here and now, and to simply Be with Ahnung.

Sweet girl, you have been through so much in your short 7 years, yet in that time you have touched the hearts and souls of so many. You are not alone on this Final Walk.

I love you with all my heart .. if only I could save time in a bottle ... if only, sweet girl. For now you continue to sprinkle your magic, your wisdom, your mystery, your magnificence, your serenity, your spirit in my heart and the hearts of so many ..... and you continue to spread your essence and your being in all the places we share ...

Ahnung (which means 'star' in ojibway) was rescued by Karen Good of Red Lake Reservation in October, 2008 with her litter of 8 puppies. She survived a couple gun shot wounds, heartworm disease, lymes and has no front teeth, grinding her teeth down in search of food. She became a therapy dog in December, 2009 and volunteered working with at-risk youth. She currently volunteers in hospice. In July, 2011 she was diagnosed with mammary cancer and had a lumpectomy. In April, 2012 she was diagnosed with adenosquamous carcinoma (a rare, aggressive and invasive cancer). She had surgery to remove the tumor in the her neck/back. At the end of November, 2012 we learned her cancer had metastasized to her lungs. She went through chemo for a month. After one month, we learned the tumor had grown 30% despite the chemo. At the end of December, 2012 we decided to stop chemo and enjoy our Final Walk together.

We Celebrate her Life and on January 1, 2013 when I create this video I am grateful to have Ahnung by my side and will cherish every moment we have.

The Final Walk

The 5K-9 Walk with my girl in 2010

Ahnung has spoken to me. As I was meditating this morning the same image kept popping up in my head. I was in a forest with Ahnung. It was night time. Instead of my usual meditative practice of telling myself, ‘acknowledge the thought, and let it go’ I decided to embrace the image and go with it where I needed to go.

It was night time but right above us was an opening to the night skies. And as I looked up in the night skies I could see the stars. I imagined how early explorers would look up in the skies for the north star. I place my hand on Ahnung and remember how my north star came to me in October, 2008 and the many lives and hearts she has healed and touched since then. I cannot shake the image of standing in the middle of a deep forest with Ahnung. Pitch black and alone with my girl. But I’m not afraid. She is my north star; she is my internal compass; she is always with me. And so we walk. I follow her into the deep, dark forest.  And we keep on walking. The sun begins to rise and I can no longer see the stars up above. Yet I know they are there. They are always there. I just can’t see them.

And as I am sitting quietly this morning I know what I must do. I am at a crossroad. Since July, 2011 after Ahnung’s first diagnosis with cancer (mammary cancer) we have, in many ways, been trying to beat cancer. We have been trying stay ahead of cancer, to stomp it, to kill it, to make it go away. Yet I know Ahnung doesn't view her 'disease' that way. It's not about stomping or defeating anything. Life just is.

I know my life’s journey is so intertwined with Ahnung’s. For several years now I have struggled with my own health issues: in less than 3 years I have had 5 surgical biopsies, 2 MRI guided  biopsies, a heart ablation, pancreatic issues which led to diagnosis of pancreatic insufficiency with unknown etiology, bleeding in my stool and microscopic blood in my urine. I have been told by doctors and surgeons I am a rare case. I have a leaky kidney (dx of microscopic hematuria of unknown cause); from the 5 surgical breast biospies I have doctors and pathologists saying it is definitely atypical ductal hyperplasia and some saying it’s already cancer but no full consensus. The only agreement is that cells in my body are changing and unfortunately current diagnostics of mammograms and ultrasounds don’t seem to catch it. Surgeries came after either my doctor or I noticed a lump, or when, crazy as it sounds, I just had a ‘knowing.’ And then there’s my heart. I have electrical problems that were fixable with an ablation a year and a half ago but I, like Ahnung, have a very rare disease. I have a rare heart disease called left ventricular non compaction. Only .01% of the population has this disease. It will lead to heart failure. How soon, no one really knows. And in April, 2012 when we learned of Ahnung's second bout with cancer we were told that her cancer, invasive adenosquamous carcinoma, was also a very rare cancer and unfortunately, not much information was known about it or how to treat it. Hmmm .. it was a deja vu of my conversation with my cardiologist when he told me I had a serious heart condition.

Both Ahnung and I have ‘things’ going on in our bodies. Within our bodies, at a microscopic level there are ‘things’ going on … anomalies that for us have led to rare disease diagnoses. Yet on the outside one would never know that the cells in our body are wreaking havoc. I have often wondered if Ahnung has been trying to take on some of what is going on with me …. I have asked her not to take any of my illnesses or diseases. But I know I can’t stop my sweet Ahnung from doing what she knows she must do, whatever that is.

What I know now is that I must walk this final walk with my precious angel. It is a final walk we will take together, through the darkness and into the light, and hopefully through many more seasons. We will walk this walk with grace and dignity and remind each other that every moment we have is to be cherished. The truth is, with how intertwined our lives and spirits are, I don’t know whose final walk it is. And in the end, does it really matter? Because the truth is, we are all on our Final Walk. We have One Walk on this precious planet; we have seasons and we have change; and when it is our time to leave this planet and our physical form of existence, we simply grow wings and we take on a new form of being. As I held Ahnung tightly last night, and all day yesterday, and again this morning, I feel her love, her spirit, her soul inside of me. I know that she will always be with me. Nothing, absolutely nothing, not even death will take my north star away from me. When the time comes for her heart to stop beating so she can be set free, then my heart will start beating for her. Maybe she knows my heart is weak and is failing, and so she is giving me her heart. I keep telling her that the greatest gift she can give me is to take care of herself, and not me, but we all know that Ahnung is Ahnung and she will do whatever Ahnung needs to do! 

So today, we are choosing to live life fully and to walk this final walk together … souls connected and intertwined.

I know so many of us have beloved companions and there are many others who share what Ahnung and I share. I will share with you our journey, and all the ups and downs that will come with our Final Walk together. If our journey helps you in any way, even just a tiny way, then I will know that Ahnung has once again, sprinkled her magic into your heart. She has, after all, cast her magic spell over me  :)

For however long we are blessed to share this Final Walk, we will fill our walk with play, curiosity, time to sniff and enjoy the wonderful scents around us every day … and today, my sweet girl is excited because we are going to get her lots of yummy food from Woody’s Pet Food Deli. Now that she will no longer be on chemo drugs we can shift her completely to a raw diet, and boy, that makes my girl happy.

So today, give your beloved fur companion an extra hug from us.

Ahnung and Legacy ... morning play :)

 

Ahnung update ....

Last night at 5:58 pm Ahnung’s oncologist calls. He tells me he has had a chance to compare Ahnung’s most recent chest x-rays with x-rays done a month ago using the software that allows precise measurements. Unfortunately what visually, to the naked eye, looked ‘stable’ wasn’t so stable. She continues to have multiple nodules in her lung and the largest of the nodules is now 2.7 cm at its widest dimension. Her x-rays from November 28th show that same nodule at 1.8 cm, a growth of 30% in 4 weeks. I hear the concern in his voice. I try to grasp everything he is telling me on the phone .. what are my options now? What are the next steps? Is there anything we can do? He mentions the more traditional intravenous chemotherapy treatment and another in-home oral chemo treatment … all this could be in conjunction with what she is on now.

I can’t think. I can’t make a decision. I need time … time to just be; time to listen to what feels right; time to listen to Ahnung and for her to guide me. Last night my gut tells me … No more. No more. No more chasing a cure that can only give me up to 50% chance of working. No more infusing my precious girl with drugs. My head is spinning and my heart is aching. How do I know what’s the right thing to do?

I couldn’t sleep last night. I finally fell asleep around 1 am and at 2:30 my sweet girl woke me up. She’s done this the past few nights where she wakes me up and wants out of the bedroom. I let her out of the bedroom and she just lays down outside the doorway. I have to come to learn that everything Ahnung does is with intention and purpose. There is no such thing as a coincidence with my sweet girl. She has also been choosing to lay by the river rocks from her Celebration of Life party. I’ve watched her intentionally lay in the living room where the basket of river rocks are .. she will lay there for a couple minutes, sometimes 5 or even 10 but then she gets up and returns to one of the dog beds in the dining area where she spends most of her time. So today I am going to spend time with my sweet girl ... I am going to enjoy watching her communicate with me in her various ways when she works hard to convince me she deserves a treat. And if i'm slow at dispensing her treat, knowing that she is happy to remind me with a smack on my hand :) I am going to enjoy watching her tear around the backyard in the snow with Legacy, darting in and out and back and forth in a way I never thought was possible. Yesterday morning, for the first time ever, she got up on her hind legs like a bear and came down on Legacy as if to say, "I can knock you over too!" [one would never know by looking at this angel that she has been through what she has been through .. from surviving heartworm, multiple gun shots and still having a couple pellets in her body, a luxating patella, and cancer]. I am mesmerized by the way Ahnung and Legacy play. One moment they are darting around the yard, and then the next they are 'dancing'. When Legacy comes at her, Ahnung will flop her body down in the snow before her brother even reaches her, and start rolling, like a master of the aikido martial arts. Then when they are done playing, I am going to watch her sleep and listen to her soothing, rhythmic, vibrating snore. I am going to cherish today and every remaining moment I am blessed to have with her.

I am going to take time to slow my mind and all the chatter that is rushing around and take time to meditate and pray. I pray for the strength, courage and the wisdom to know what steps to take. I pray for Ahnung to guide me. I pray I can be still and present enough to hear her.

I ask for the support of a community that has been so supportive of both Ahnung and me. I ask for your healing thoughts, love, prayers and positive intentions. I ask you to join me in surrounding Ahnung with healing light and to Celebrate her Life with me.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited..
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

~~~~Author unknown

The ever shifting ground

Ahnung - Dec. 26, 2012

Ahnung's follow-up appointment with her oncologist was at 9 am this morning. It's been exactly one month since we confirmed from her chest x-rays that her cancer has metastasized to her lungs. She has been on supplements and low-dose chemo and today we went in for a follow-up x-ray. Visually, her x-rays show her tumors have not grown, but nor have they shrunk. Her oncologist will take precise measurements by comparing today's x-rays with last month's x-rays by using some software and will call me tomorrow. Today, he said from visually comparing the x-rays, the one larger nodule that she had (about the size of a nickel which is right by her rib cage) a month ago appears to be holding steady at the same size. She has other nodules which are smaller and he will be able to tell me tomorrow whether they have changed at all. From what he is able to tell from comparing the x-rays today, we are in the 'stable' phase. He admits he was hoping they would shrink but the fact that they are holding steady is also great news. Her oncologist admits he can only give me averages ... so on average, once cancer has metastasized to the lungs, he says, the dog will have 3 months. With treatment we hope to double the amount of time. I fire off questions ... 'so how long can we remain at the 'stable' phase where the tumor doesn't grow? and once the tumors start to grow and multiply, how quickly do they grow and/or multiply?, .... in nutshell, I want to know, how much more time do I have? He can't give me any definite answers. The spectrum is huge. Cancer is unpredictable and can spread like wildfire or at a very slow pace. Part of me wants to celebrate the fact that they haven't grown. A part of me wants to cry because I want the cancer to just go away.

We go back in a month for a follow-up unless Ahnung starts to show symptoms. For now, she has been feeling great. She also gained a pound and has had no side effects from the chemo. Her oncologist said she looks great! So why is there this unsettling feeling in my stomach? This feeling of now knowing how I really feel, or how I'm 'supposed' to feel, or how I'm supposed to handle this not knowing ...

Ahnung, patiently waiting at the vet.

"As human beings we share a tendency to scramble for certainty whenever we realize that everything around us is in flux. In difficult times the stress of trying to find solid ground - something predictable and safe to stand on - seems to intensify ..." [Pema Chodron]. I've been watching my sweet girl romp around in the snow with her little brother Legacy for about 15 minutes now.She's happy. She's content. And unlike her mama, she doesn't have a care in the world. I know this journey of walking alongside Ahnung will be the most beautiful experience for me, but it will also be the most painful journey. I have promised my sweet Ahnung, and I have made that same promise to myself, that I will keep my heart as open to the full experience of what is yet to come. Through that promise, I acknowledge, the intensity of what I am choosing to embrace. All I know is that I am choosing to embrace Ahnung, and I will take whatever comes along with it. I realize this morning as i've had some time to reflect after returning home from the appointment with her oncologist, that there's a large part of me that is petrified, absolutely petrified of losing my soul companion, and that fear is desperately looking for solid ground to walk on. The fear is grasping for solid news .. yes, the certainty that the cancer has gone and I can resume my life with the carefree and comforting knowing of being able to watch and walk by Ahnung's side as she grows old, and to have at least 6 more years with her, and not to hear that we will be fortunate to have another 6 months. Selfish as it is, I do want certainty when it comes to Ahnung.

I can wish and I can hope and I can pray. Nothing in life is certain ... except for change. I wish I could say I'm ecstatic about the news today. I wish I wanted to celebrate the news her cancer is 'stable.' So why does my heart still ache? Why is all this uncertainty causing me so much distress? Was I expecting a miracle? Was I expecting to simply melt into miraculous news? Was I expecting this cloud of uncertainty to dissipate? Would I have been upset with any news other than the tumors have disappeared?

I will move past these feelings. I know I will. For now, I need to simply honor exactly where I am right now. Afraid. Faltering. And incredibly sad ... yet hopeful and grateful at the same time.

Dear sweet Ahnung ... you are loved, deeply, by so many.

If ever my soul felt intertwined with any being, it is your soul sweet girl that has become one with mine.

Ahnung, waiting for a treat after we get home!

Continuing to Celebrate Ahnung

With my sweet Ahnung at her Celebration of Life
party on April 22, 2012
Photo credit: {lmj} photography

It's been exactly 2 months today since Ahnung's Celebration of Life party on April 22, 2012. On April 13th she had surgery to remove a tumor on her neck. It was major surgery with the surgeon having to go into her muscle to remove the tumor and to ensure deep margins. She was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive cancer, invasive adenosquamous carcinoma, and took almost 6 weeks for the massive incision on her neck and back to finally heal. This was Ahnung's second round with cancer ... nine months earlier in July, 2011 she was diagnosed with mammary cancer and had a lumpectomy to remove the tumor.

From a western perspective there's not much we can do except to monitor her closely. From an eastern and holistic perspective there is a lot we are doing. She is on chinese herbs, wild mushroom supplements and fish oil supplements. She is on an anti-cancer diet and I am doing everything I can to boost her immune system and to ensure we create an environment in her body that is NOT conducive for cancer cells to thrive. Two months later she is doing incredibly well. She is happy and full of life and she is back to playing and rolling around with her brother Legacy.

So today, Friday, June 22nd, exactly 2 months after we gathered with friends to Celebrate Ahnung's life, not knowing what the future held, I continue to celebrate her magnificent and precious life. She is a wise spirit and every day I have with her is a gift. 

Learning to find peace in uncertainty

Ahnung waiting patiently to meet
with her oncologist

It's been 10 days since Ahnung had surgery to remove the tumor in her neck. The pathology report came back indicating an aggressive and rare cancer, "invasive adenosquamous carcinoma." We've struggled to keep her stitches in and she had to go back a few times to get stitched back up. This last go around involved being under completely and having her stitches completely re-done, and she ended up with a major wrap around her neck to keep it still. She has done amazingly well. 

This week is an interesting week for both of us as we continue to walk parallel paths in our health journey. Yesterday I met with my heart doctor for my routine 6 month check up. Last May I was told I had a very rare heart disease - Left Ventricular Non Compaction/LVNC ... it was an 'incidental' finding as a result of dealing with electrical rhythm problems in my heart. The electrical problems they were able to take care of with a heart ablation procedure. The LVNC unfortunately is something I have to live with and to keep monitoring closely. Because it is such a rare disease (only .01% of the population has it) there isn't much information on it and conversations regarding treatment and prognosis contain lots of uncertainty ... i'm told, it could be a year, two years, maybe 10 years before noticeable symptoms start showing up. I'm told the best thing I can do right now is aspirin therapy and being monitored closely. It's been an interesting journey for me physically, spiritually and emotionally to come to terms with a serious heart condition (one that in the past has only often been discovered after heart failure and during autopsies) and my own mortality and how fragile and short life is.

Ahnung leaving Lake Harriet Vet
last Friday, 4/20

And last July my sweet  Ahnung got diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through a lumpectomy and because they had good margins we were advised to simply monitor her closely. We were hopeful the cancer had all been removed. Well, a new cancer developed. The oncologist does not believe this cancer is related to the breast cancer. We met with the oncologist this morning. Ahnung has a very rare cancer. My oncologist hasn't even seen this type of cancer before ... according to medical journals there have been 15 cases seen (and they were in Canada). Of these cases, if the cancer has spread to the lymphatic system then prognosis was a couple months; if the cancer had not spread to the lymphatic system prognosis was 30 months. In Ahnung's case, the pathology report indicates it has not spread to the lymphatic system, however, the cancer cells are very aggressive and multiplying rapidly (mitoses is 10 per high power field). The oncologist was honest in that he doesn't really know. It's unusual for another cancer to show up in less than a year; she's also got a very rare cancer. He indicated that if it were his dog he would simply continue to monitor closely. I asked about recurrence ... "hard to say" ... at this point, we can just hope and pray that all the cancer was removed. Even with all this uncertainty I am grateful that Ahnung does not need to go through chemo or radiation. Our biggest hurdle right now is to get her incision to heal so we can remove her wrap and she can romp around freely and play like a puppy with her brother Legacy who desperately misses his play buddy. 

On Thursday I go in for a breast MRI. I'm a little overdue. I've had 3 lumpectomies over the past 2 years. Pathology reports confirm atypical ductal hyperplasia and some say DCIS. It's not in any particular location so radiation isn't an option. I haven't been told anything definitive and have been told that close surveillance continues to be a viable option so I've continued down that path for a couple years. It's a gamble I know. I've been hearing a lot of 'you're high risk' over the past couple years and 'we haven't seen this before' or 'you have a rare disease' or 'we can't explain what caused your stomach erosions or why your kidneys are leaking' ... and 'we can't explain why your pancreas stopped producing lipase and why you weren't able to digest fats' ... just seems like the past two years have been this journey of doctor after doctor, procedure after procedure and a whole lot of unknowns and uncertainty. And now, my sweet, sweet Ahnung is joining me in this crazy health journey.

I have wondered if she is trying to take some of my health issues ... I have asked her not to. I have asked her to let me deal with my own health issues. But i know that we are so bonded and so connected. My spirit and soul are so connected with her ... often I feel like we are one.

I know there is a lesson and a reason for why we are having to walk this journey together. We were blessed to be able to have a party for Ahnung this past Sunday, a Celebration of Life party. It was an incredibly touching and moving party and she was surrounded by friends who love her dearly. A special thanks to Merry Sawdey for leading the healing/prayer circle for Ahnung ... Ahnung will be posting about her party on her blog in the not too distant future :)

So for today, I am simply grateful to have my sweet girl with me. I am grateful she feels good and continues to wag her tail like crazy. And I am grateful for all the love and support we continue to get from so many in the community.