Friday, December 28, 2012

Ahnung update ....

Last night at 5:58 pm Ahnung’s oncologist calls. He tells me he has had a chance to compare Ahnung’s most recent chest x-rays with x-rays done a month ago using the software that allows precise measurements. Unfortunately what visually, to the naked eye, looked ‘stable’ wasn’t so stable. She continues to have multiple nodules in her lung and the largest of the nodules is now 2.7 cm at its widest dimension. Her x-rays from November 28th show that same nodule at 1.8 cm, a growth of 30% in 4 weeks. I hear the concern in his voice. I try to grasp everything he is telling me on the phone .. what are my options now? What are the next steps? Is there anything we can do? He mentions the more traditional intravenous chemotherapy treatment and another in-home oral chemo treatment … all this could be in conjunction with what she is on now.

I can’t think. I can’t make a decision. I need time … time to just be; time to listen to what feels right; time to listen to Ahnung and for her to guide me. Last night my gut tells me … No more. No more. No more chasing a cure that can only give me up to 50% chance of working. No more infusing my precious girl with drugs. My head is spinning and my heart is aching. How do I know what’s the right thing to do?

I couldn’t sleep last night. I finally fell asleep around 1 am and at 2:30 my sweet girl woke me up. She’s done this the past few nights where she wakes me up and wants out of the bedroom. I let her out of the bedroom and she just lays down outside the doorway. I have to come to learn that everything Ahnung does is with intention and purpose. There is no such thing as a coincidence with my sweet girl. She has also been choosing to lay by the river rocks from her Celebration of Life party. I’ve watched her intentionally lay in the living room where the basket of river rocks are .. she will lay there for a couple minutes, sometimes 5 or even 10 but then she gets up and returns to one of the dog beds in the dining area where she spends most of her time. So today I am going to spend time with my sweet girl ... I am going to enjoy watching her communicate with me in her various ways when she works hard to convince me she deserves a treat. And if i'm slow at dispensing her treat, knowing that she is happy to remind me with a smack on my hand :) I am going to enjoy watching her tear around the backyard in the snow with Legacy, darting in and out and back and forth in a way I never thought was possible. Yesterday morning, for the first time ever, she got up on her hind legs like a bear and came down on Legacy as if to say, "I can knock you over too!" [one would never know by looking at this angel that she has been through what she has been through .. from surviving heartworm, multiple gun shots and still having a couple pellets in her body, a luxating patella, and cancer]. I am mesmerized by the way Ahnung and Legacy play. One moment they are darting around the yard, and then the next they are 'dancing'. When Legacy comes at her, Ahnung will flop her body down in the snow before her brother even reaches her, and start rolling, like a master of the aikido martial arts. Then when they are done playing, I am going to watch her sleep and listen to her soothing, rhythmic, vibrating snore. I am going to cherish today and every remaining moment I am blessed to have with her.

I am going to take time to slow my mind and all the chatter that is rushing around and take time to meditate and pray. I pray for the strength, courage and the wisdom to know what steps to take. I pray for Ahnung to guide me. I pray I can be still and present enough to hear her.

I ask for the support of a community that has been so supportive of both Ahnung and me. I ask for your healing thoughts, love, prayers and positive intentions. I ask you to join me in surrounding Ahnung with healing light and to Celebrate her Life with me.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited..
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

~~~~Author unknown

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