Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Ahnung and Santa - Dec. 8, 2012
This morning I am blessed to wake up to all my beautiful four furkids: Ahnung, Legacy, Missy and Mister. I had to coerce Legacy to get up and come out of his kennel. He was snuggled up and sleeping soundly. A treat was all it took. He snarfed down his treat them stretched and came out of his kennel. Missy was there to greet him. Mister had already run up the stairs and was probably busy picking up a shoe or a towel so that he could greet me with a 'present' when I came up the stairs.

After Legacy makes his way past Missy (who tries to get him to play!), he finds his way to Ahnung who is sleeping in the dog bed in the hallway by the bedroom. As he always does he goes up to her and lowers his body so his face he smashed up against her face. He rubs his face against her face then lays for a moment next to her. Then he begins to mouth her back legs as if to say, 'Come on. Wake up .. it's time to go outside!' There is a special language and a bond between my two rez dogs ... Ahnung is the confident, calm and wise spirit and Legacy is the teenager being taught about life by his big sister who has been through so much. Yet Legacy has also been a teacher to Ahnung. He has taught her how to play and to tear around the yard and just let loose and be joyful. Ahnung does what Ahnung wants to do and she often chooses not to go outside first thing in the morning. So off Legacy goes to follow Missy and Mister. After they do their business they all come in. As I sit in my back room I hear tiny Legacy footsteps running down the steps. When he was a puppy I would follow him downstairs as he would be finding ways to get into trouble when unsupervised. For the the past 6 months or so I have learned that what he is doing is looking for Ahnung. When I have followed him downstairs I find the two of them quietly rolling around in gentle play. This morning I hear footsteps running back upstairs just minutes after Legacy had gone downstairs to check on Ahnung. I guess on Christmas morning, my sweet girl wants to sleep in a little longer :) What brings her upstairs is the smell of chicken being boiled and the realization that she, and all of her siblings, are going to have a special treat on Christmas morning!
Ahnung's Celebration of Life party - April, 2012

This morning I am truly grateful for the gift of having Ahnung with me. After her second diagnosis of cancer in April of this year I feared I wouldn't have her much longer. We had a Celebration of Life party for her on April 22nd ... so many of her friends came to see her and join us in a healing prayer circle for her. I believe in power of prayer and positive intention. Ahnung has been blessed in having so many of her friends praying for her. She has been doing great these past 8 - 9 months. And even when we learned that cancer had spread to her lungs on Nov. 28th it was only because we had chest x-rays done. She was acting her usual self and her blood work came back completely normal. Yet she had been losing weight and something in my gut just told me something wasn't right, so we went ahead with chest x-rays. We met with an oncologist and began treatment for her -- CurcuVet, Green tea extra, I'm Yunity and an oral low dose chemo (chlorambucil). Tomorrow we head back to see Ahnung's oncologist. We will have chest x-rays done again so we can see if the supplements and chemo are helping. I can't help but to wish and to pray for a certain outcome. Yet there is a part of me that has worked hard to not pray for a certain outcome ... I do my best to simply pray for the strength and the courage to be okay with whatever is; to be okay with life, on life's terms, not mine; to be okay and to believe that yes, everything happens for a reason. I admit that this one is a very hard for me. It's hard because I can't imagine my life without Ahnung; I can't imagine my heart continuing to beat without Ahnung; I can't imagine not having her by my side. I can't imagine not having her wise, comforting, calm presence as I walk through my own health challenges.

Our appointment is at 9 am tomorrow morning. I know my sweet girl would tell me not to worry. I look at her and I see a happy, peaceful girl who truly lives in the moment. And in my gut, I know that no matter what I am told tomorrow, and no matter what the x-rays show, it should not change what I know by simply looking into Ahnung's eyes and watching her enjoy life today and in this moment.

Dear sweet Ahnung .... whatever journey, whatever path lies in front of us, I promise to be by your side. I promise to do my best to live in the moment and to cherish what we share, right here and right now. Bear with me in moments when I falter and when I let fear and worry overcome me. We are forever bonded, and nothing, not even death can break that bond. Give me the strength to continue to listen to the messages and signs you give me, in your subtle and silent ways. You are my star, my north star.

Legacy and Ahnung - Rez soul buddies

"To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings."

~ Wendell Berry.

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