|Ahnung - Dec. 26, 2012|
We go back in a month for a follow-up unless Ahnung starts to show symptoms. For now, she has been feeling great. She also gained a pound and has had no side effects from the chemo. Her oncologist said she looks great! So why is there this unsettling feeling in my stomach? This feeling of now knowing how I really feel, or how I'm 'supposed' to feel, or how I'm supposed to handle this not knowing ...
|Ahnung, patiently waiting at the vet.|
"As human beings we share a tendency to scramble for certainty whenever we realize that everything around us is in flux. In difficult times the stress of trying to find solid ground - something predictable and safe to stand on - seems to intensify ..." [Pema Chodron]. I've been watching my sweet girl romp around in the snow with her little brother Legacy for about 15 minutes now.She's happy. She's content. And unlike her mama, she doesn't have a care in the world. I know this journey of walking alongside Ahnung will be the most beautiful experience for me, but it will also be the most painful journey. I have promised my sweet Ahnung, and I have made that same promise to myself, that I will keep my heart as open to the full experience of what is yet to come. Through that promise, I acknowledge, the intensity of what I am choosing to embrace. All I know is that I am choosing to embrace Ahnung, and I will take whatever comes along with it. I realize this morning as i've had some time to reflect after returning home from the appointment with her oncologist, that there's a large part of me that is petrified, absolutely petrified of losing my soul companion, and that fear is desperately looking for solid ground to walk on. The fear is grasping for solid news .. yes, the certainty that the cancer has gone and I can resume my life with the carefree and comforting knowing of being able to watch and walk by Ahnung's side as she grows old, and to have at least 6 more years with her, and not to hear that we will be fortunate to have another 6 months. Selfish as it is, I do want certainty when it comes to Ahnung.
I can wish and I can hope and I can pray. Nothing in life is certain ... except for change. I wish I could say I'm ecstatic about the news today. I wish I wanted to celebrate the news her cancer is 'stable.' So why does my heart still ache? Why is all this uncertainty causing me so much distress? Was I expecting a miracle? Was I expecting to simply melt into miraculous news? Was I expecting this cloud of uncertainty to dissipate? Would I have been upset with any news other than the tumors have disappeared?
I will move past these feelings. I know I will. For now, I need to simply honor exactly where I am right now. Afraid. Faltering. And incredibly sad ... yet hopeful and grateful at the same time.
Dear sweet Ahnung ... you are loved, deeply, by so many.
If ever my soul felt intertwined with any being, it is your soul sweet girl that has become one with mine.
|Ahnung, waiting for a treat after we get home!|