I woke up at 4 am. I’ve been waking up periodically through
the night for a few weeks. I suspect it’s my heart acting up again. For the
past 10 days I’ve been waking sometime between midnight and 12:30 am. Last
Sunday, 1/13, Ahnung woke me up at 12:30 by scratching on my bedroom door. She
didn’t need to go out. It was clear, however, she was trying to communicate
something to me. I wrote about it on my last blog post, “Listening … really,truly listening.” Later that morning I made reservations to head up to Grand
Marais at the end of the month for the two of us to spend time alone. I could
sense a shift in her energy, in our energy, in the bond that tightly connects
us. And early yesterday morning (Sunday, 1/20) she did the same thing. She woke
me up at 12:30 am by scratching on my bedroom door. She didn’t need to go
outside. She didn’t want to sleep in the bedroom with us. I did what I did last
Sunday. I walked down the hallway and she followed me. I started up the steps,
and just like last Sunday, she plopped down at the bottom of the steps and just
looked at me. She wouldn’t move. She didn’t appear to be in any pain or
discomfort. It was more, “I’m trying to tell you something.” And like last
Sunday I came down the stairs and I just held her and hugged her. For 10
minutes we remained at the bottom of the stairs. She normally rolls over on her
back and wants belly rubs, but just like last Sunday she sat upright taking in
and soaking in my embrace and my hold on her. Once again, I knew she was trying
to tell me something. We both went back to sleep. When I woke up later Sunday
morning she was sleeping on the couch downstairs … another unusual behavior for
her. As I always do, I made note of it in my head and in my heart. My sweet
girl does everything with intention and purpose.
I went to bed at 9:30 last night. Missy and Mister were on
the dog bed next to my bed, Legacy in his kennel and Ahnung chose to sleep
upstairs in my meditation room. As
always, I gave her a kiss and said goodnight before heading downstairs. I
didn’t wake up at 12:30 last night. In fact, for the first time I slept through
the night from 9:30 till 4 am. I awoke at 4 am and was laying bed for a couple
minutes when I hear this bloodcurdling cry. It startles me and also Missy and
Mister who rush to the bedroom door. I jump out of bed and as I race to the
bedroom door I hear the piercing cry again. It’s a high pitched cry and one I
have never heard before. It’s a sound of a wild animal. The thought, ‘is there
some wild strange animal in my house!’ flashes through my mind. I open the
bedroom door to find Ahnung. She is facing me, laying down, her eyes are
fixated on me and her tail wagging frantically,. It wasn’t an exuberant happy
tail wag; it was a tail wag that was clearly trying to communicate to me
something was wrong. She wasn’t panting or having any trouble breathing. Something
was clearly off but what exactly I wasn’t sure. I am constantly watching and
listening for any signs of breathing problems with Ahnung. Even Missy and
Mister knew something going on. Normally I am unable to be near Ahnung or
Legacy, petting them, without Missy or Mister coming up to me and wanting me to
pet them and not their siblings. I let Legacy out of his kennel and he too knew
something was going on. Missy, Mister and Legacy all gave me and Ahnung the
space we needed. I sat on the floor next to Ahnung who continued to just look
at me. Her eyes piercing through my soul. Her breathing is normal and her tail
begins to wag in a more ‘normal’ fashion. I hold her face and start petting
her. She rolls over on her side. Ahhh, that’s my girl. She wants belly rubs. I
go upstairs to let Missy, Mister and Legacy outside. Ahnung doesn’t follow us.
I return downstairs and she’s in the exact spot she was, laying upright with
her eyes fixated on me as I turn the corner to walk down the hallway. I sit
next to her for a while and listen to her breathing. There’s a calmness that
comes over her. I tell her I am with her. I am always with her and I will not
leave her side.
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| Ahnung (and Hazel) at Red Lake Reservation in Nov., 2008 |
I get up to walk down the hallway to see if she will follow
me. Her eyes follow me but her body doesn’t move. Is it her luxating patella?
Is she in pain if she moves? Is that why she was crying? Moments later she gets
up and walks towards me. In some ways I am relieved it’s not her luxating
patella, in other ways I’m not. I know in my heart she is continuing to
communicate with me. I get a treat and her tail wags exuberantly. Yes, it’s the
happy tail wag. I smile. She follows me upstairs and after I let her siblings in
from the backyard they continue to leave Ahnung alone and to allow me to sit on
the floor next to her, petting her. Her eyes continue to follow me. She’s now
sleeping soundly in the small dog bed. She is snoring and twitching. She is
resting comfortably.
I am doing my best to listen .. to really, truly listen to
Ahnung. I write and I notice patterns. Nothing with Ahnung, or even me, is a
coincidence. Why have I been waking up at 12:30 am for the past 10 days? For 2
Sundays Ahnung has woken me up by scratching on my door at 12:30 am. Thinking
she might need to go potty, I head upstairs to let her out. Both times she has
stopped at the bottom of the stairs wanting only for me to come to her and hold
her. And later in the morning (and this happened last Sunday and also
yesterday) I have seen Ahnung more
playful than ever. Yesterday morning she was acting more like a puppy than I
had ever seen her and initiating wild, crazy, exuberant play with Legacy. And why is it that for the first time in 10
days I didn’t wake up at 12:30 this morning. Instead, I woke up at 4 am and
minutes later I hear Ahnung’s bloodcurdling cry?
In my volunteer work in hospice I have walked the final walk
with many patients. I have seen them come to life right before the very end.
There’s a part of me that wants to celebrate when I see Ahnung tearing around
the backyard like a puppy. There’s another part of me that wants to cry because
I fear the end may be nearing. There’s a reason why she cried like a wild
animal at 4 am this morning. She doesn’t appear to be in any pain or
discomfort. Yet, what is she trying to tell me? I also know it’s possible she’s
trying to communicate with me that there’s something going on with my own
health.
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| Ahnung and her friend Jaycee -visiting 2nd graders |
Sweet precious girl, I will keep listening with all of my
heart. With every fiber of my being I will do whatever I need to do to keep you
comfortable and free from suffering. I will let you go when it is time to let
you go and you are suffering and your spirit is crying to be set free from your
body. I know you are trying to help me prepare. I know that. I also know you
are going to live and die in the majestic, wise Ahnung way. You will live life
to the fullest and something in my gut tells me that one day … one day, you
will just go. Something tells me you will not have a slow decline. Something
tells me you are giving me the time I need to prepare. When you feel your work
is done I know you will go. I so desperately want to tell you your work is not
done. I want to tell you your work has just begun. A week ago today you visited
your friend Jaycee’s class … a class full of wonderful 2nd graders
and you made a young girl extremely happy. You touched the heart of Jaycee who
came to your April Celebration of Life party; you touched her heart so much
that she shared your story with her classmates; you touched her heart so much
that she wanted to share you with her classmates (to read more about Ahnung’s
visit to Jaycee’s class last Monday check out Ahnung’s blog: http://ahnung-northstar.blogspot.com/2013/01/ahnung-visits-her-friend-jaycees-school.html)
Dear sweet Ahnung, I hear your high-pitched cry from this
morning. The cry vibrates through my veins. And now I watch you sleeping
soundly … snoring, twitching and at rest. Yes, we are on this Final Walk, and
we are on this walk together. I suspect later this morning you will be hard at
play with Legacy, acting as if nothing happened at 4 am this morning. Yet I
know, we are venturing down a new path on this Final Walk … waking me up at
12:30 am two Sundays in a row and now this morning at 4 am with a bloodcurdling
cry is not something to disregard. If there is one thing I know … everything,
absolutely everything my sweet nung-nung does is with intention and purpose.
I
live with more questions now … I strive to find peace in the uncertainty, in the blur, in the mystery of life ... and death.
For now, I continue to celebrate you and to live in the
moment with you, as I pray for many, many more moments with you.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the
questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in
a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because
you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live
the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live
along some distant day into the answers.”
~ Rilke.
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