Friday, July 15, 2011

Beyond Connected

I got the call this morning ... the pathology report came in from Ahnung's lumpectomy. She has an aggressive form of breast cancer. Her left fourth mammary glad had a 2.0 cm nodule ... "atypia is moderate to marked. The mitotic rate is high, ranging up to seven per high power field. Infiltrative growth is noted. Extensive zones of tumor necrosis are present ..." I am referred to an oncologist. An appointment is scheduled for Tuesday morning.

Early this morning before I got the call from my vet I noticed a new lump in my left breast. I've been periodically checking since last Thursday when I noticed Ahnung's lumps ... we are so connected that I thought maybe she was trying to tell me something. I haven't noticed anything. This morning was different. I have a sizeable palpable mass in my left breast ... this time a different area than my previous 3 lumps and what was excised. This lump is closer to my lymph nodes. This growth came out of the blue like Ahnung's growth came out of the blue. I called my breast doctor/surgeon up and she wants me to see her next week. I have an appt Wednesday afternoon. I am bonded with my girl Ahnung in an incredibly deep and powerful way. I have always known that. I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on her in October, 2008 up at Red Lake reservation. Physically beaten and battered, she looked worn down. Yet her eyes spoke to me in a way I can't put words to. Abandoned with a litter of 8 puppies, heartworm disease, lymes, no front teeth (grinding her teeth down to the gums in search of food), and a gun shot wound (her recent chest x-rays confirm the bullet remains in one of her nipples) .... this girl is no stranger to a tough life. She's a survivor. And while she was under for her lumpectomy on Monday the vet took x-rays of her teeth. On top of all she's been through, she has 8 lower incisors and a lower canine that have been ground down below her gum line with roots exposed that should be extracted ... more evidence of the rough life she had surviving up north as a rez dog. Yet one would never know what she's been through. There's an incredibly deep connection that binds us ... she is my north star; she is the bright spot in my heart when I have had to go through very difficult times.

My heart aches and hurts from this latest news. I can deal with whatever health issues get tossed my way. When it comes to Ahnung though ... I am just not ready. I am not prepared. Please dear Lord ... not Ahnung, please don't take her away from me just yet.  Her work isn't done yet. Not only has she touched my heart and soul so deeply ... she has touched the hearts and souls of so many.

I ask you to hold Ahnung in your thoughts and prayers. I ask you to give your furry friend an extra hug and a kiss. I ask you to cherish every moment you have with your loved ones because, the truth is, we don't know how long we have ....

In the midst of pain, I look at Ahnung, and Missy and Mister and I know that no matter what happens, no matter how many pieces my heart will shatter into when I have to say goodbye, no matter what the doctors tell me in the coming days/weeks ... what can never be taken away from me is the undying and unwaivering love I have for Ahnung ... and I will never regret loving with all my heart and giving ... and no matter what I will hold onto hope because that's all I have ...

Sweet girl, you are loved. You are cherished, and you are surrounded by love, not only from me but from an entire community of friends who love you.

and sweet girl ... this weekend I promise to take you back for more doggie burgers .... maybe even this time we'll let you have some ice cream for dessert!!! We are going to be attached at the hip again this weekend ... and your siblings Missy and Mister love you too :)

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