Please stop sweet girl ...

Last night my sweet Ahnung woke me up at 3 am. Unlike her siblings she likes to sleep in the hallway downstairs. I close my bedroom door to keep Mister from wandering around. At 3 am I hear a purposeful scratch on my door. I get out of bed thinking Ahnung needs to go potty. I open the door and she is intently looking at me. She lays down. "You need to go potty sweet girl?" She continues to look at me without moving. "What is it?" I get down on my knees and hold her. Her tail is slowly wagging and her eyes are locked on me. I ask her if she wants to come in the bedroom. She continues to gaze intently at me. I can feel her trying to tell me something. After a few minutes I decide to return to bed and leave the bedroom door open so she can come and go as she pleases. She continues to lay at the doorway.

And this morning she has been following me around the house and spending more time by the healing river rocks in the living room.

About a month ago I discovered a new lump in my breast. It was days before Ahnung ended up at the emergency vet and what prompted me to see my surgeon. I've been hovering on this line of cancer/pre-cancer since the end of 2009 and have gone through 5 surgeries. Pathologists can't come to agreement on what is going on with the cells in my body. I've even been down to Mayo. The changes in my body can't be detected with standard diagnostic tests, ... nothing ever shows up on mammograms or ultrasounds; and MRIs are the only test that show anything. Crazy as it sounds, it's from dreams i've had, listening to Ahnung, and noticing and sensing subtle changes in my body. I've had this sense for some time that Ahnung has been taking the illness in my body. In July, 2010 she was diagnosed with mammary cancer and had a lumpectomy. Earlier in 2009 I had pancreas issues. In 2009, Ahnung developed these growths on her ear which looked like cauliflowers. She had a biopsy to remove it and when the pathology report came back it was a mystery as to what it was ... the only thing the doctor could say was, "I've never seen anything like this. I can't tell you what it is. What I can tell you is that cells in her body are just dying." And just days prior I had shared with a holistic health practitioner I was seeing when asked how I would describe what was going on in my body, "I can't explain it, but I just feel like cells in my body are dying." In early 2010, the issues of my pancreas began to resolve itself to the point where I was able to stop taking digestive enzymes.

I know in my gut that Ahnung has been absorbing the illness and disease in my body. Maybe that's her purpose and why she came into my life, but I have been holding her tightly every night and asking her to please, please stop taking the illness in my body. Last Friday I had my breast MRI and later this afternoon I meet with my surgeon to go over the results of the MRI. I don't know even what I want anymore ... my heart hurts to think that my health comes at a very high cost; it comes at the cost of my most precious Ahnung carrying and absorbing what I feel is mine.

Last Friday I met an amazing native American elder from Leech Lake Reservation. He shared a powerful story of a man who had cancer who doctors said there was nothing more they could do. He went into the woods with his dog and he prayed. He remained in the woods in silent prayer and meditation with his dog. When he came back his cancer was gone. His dog however passed on. The man believes his dog took his cancer. The elder went on to share that when we pass on to spirit world, the first animal we see is a dog. And he went to share that the stories of the healing power of the dog must be told. Ahnung was with me when I met this wise elder .. I shared with him our story, our bond, and how I believe Ahnung is taking my illness and carrying it in her body. He nodded quietly. 'Yes she is."

I don't want Ahnung to carry my illness. But I don't know how to stop her. I don't know how to get her to listen to me that her body cannot take anymore illness; or maybe she knows more than I know. I know Ahnung will do what Ahnung feels she must do. But my heart aches knowing she is absorbing illness from my body. I want her to let me take her cancer; I want her to let me absorb all that is going on in her body.

In the end, I know there is no separation between the two of us .... where I end, she begins; where she ends, I begin; and our story, our shared story is yet to unfold.

So today, on a snowy, wintery spring day here in Minnesota, I continue to pray for my sweet girl, my  north star. I know she is doing the same for me. And later today, I'll learn more about the results of my MRI. As much as I want good news, my heart will ache because good news probably means my precious girl is continuing to wrap me in her healing blanket of love. And my heart will ache because I don't know how much more my precious girl can take ... I ask her to stop. Yet I know Ahnung will do what Ahnung will do. So all I can do is pray, and hold her tightly.

The greatest gift!

Yesterday I feel like I was given the greatest gift of all ... the gift of more time with my sweet girl Ahnung. For the past week I have struggled with uncertainty and the unknown ... not knowing how much time I had left with Ahnung, how aggressive the cancer was, and if the oncologist was going to tell me that I didn't have much time left with my girl. It's hard when fear consumes you and old memories and hurts resurface .... painful memories of losing my dog Shen in September 2006 to spleen cancer where she died one day after her diagnosis, and then in July, 2007 losing my other dog Shadow to an aggressive intestinal cancer. When I heard the words aggressive in conjunction with breast cancer I immediately went to that dark place in my memory bank ... and then came denial and tears .... and throughout this week I watched my girl Ahnung living in the moment. How I wish I could be more like my dogs in how they approach life and living. I found strength and hope again as I leaned on a community for support and prayers, and I spent time with Ahnung and also Missy and Mister.

Ahnung on her way to
see the oncologist

Yesterday I took Ahnung to meet with a vet oncologist. What an incredibly kind, knowledgeable and compassionate doctor. He reviewed the x-rays and the pathology report and he checked Ahnung out. He provided words of comfort as he said there were a lot of positive things in her favor: a) the mass was discovered very early and was immediately removed ... the pathologist feels like the excision was complete; b) there are no visible signs of any cancer in her lungs from the x-rays taken; c) the cancer has not spread to the vascular system; d) her lymph nodes feel good. He has requested for additional analysis to be done by the pathologist as he wants to know what the margins are and also the grade of the cancer. If the margins are greater than 5 mm (ideally he would like it to be at least 7 or 8 mm) and the grade is low then he says we don't need to do anything. He would want us to see a vet every 3 months for the next year to get her checked so that the vet can closely monitor to see if she is developing any new tumors in any of her other mammary glands. If the margins are < 5 mm or the cancer grade is moderate or high he recommends surgery to remove more of the tissue and to actually go into the muscle. Depending on the results he may also recommend radiation. He seemed optimistic, however, that there is a good chance that the cancer was removed with the lumpectomy. She is of course at high risk of developing another tumor and I would need to watch her closely. Acting quickly is critical. I'm so grateful that I was able to notice the tumor and that my friend Vicki was able to see her the very next day (Friday) and get her in for surgery on Monday. As quickly as the mass was growing waiting a week could've made a huge difference on the outcome and the prognosis.

Yesterday I feel like I was given the most incredible gift .... it reminds me of the photo I took in my front yard in the dead of winter (the photo at the top).... there is life, there is hope ... even in the dead of winter. I also believe in the power of prayer. I am blessed to have so many friends ... and Ahnung is blessed to have so many friends and fans. I can't thank you all enough for your words of encouragement through this very trying time. [Ahnung would love it if you would like to follow her on facebook: www.facebook.com/AhnungNorthStar].  So in a couple days we should hear from the pathologist and will know what the next steps are for Ahnung ... whatever we need to do I am okay with it because we have a fighting chance. Ahnung is a survivor and I am grateful beyond words that I (along with many others!) will continue to be blessed with her presence, her wisdom, and her loving, peaceful way.

This afternoon, it's my turn to get the lump in my breast checked out. I meet with my surgeon later this afternoon. I'm not so sure what's in store for me with regards to my own health, but in the scheme of things, as long as I have my nung-nung girl I feel like I can handle anything!!!

Hope

This week has certainly been one filled with not so good news ... I always do my best to see the positive in things and do believe that yes, everything happens for a reason. I admit, when I learned that Ahnung has an aggressive form of breast cancer I felt somewhat lost. I felt like I simply couldn't take another blow ... for a couple years now, it has felt like I have been knocked down over and over again, but I remember my swimming coach telling me as a kid ... "it's not about winning ... it's not about the gold ... it's about getting back up, over and over again..." And so that's what I've done. I've had my own personal health issues to contend with over the past couple of years. Somehow, i'm able to take those in stride. The kicker and the real test is this latest blow ... aggressive cancer to my precious Ahnung. And along with this latest diagnosis, I find myself swarming again in a pool of uncertainty with a new palpable mass appearing in my left breast. But my health issues .... I can deal with those. Ahnung's health issues and the possibility that I may not have her around much longer ... now that's an entirely different story!

I am going to remain hopeful though about my sweet girl. Both Vicki (my friend and vet who did the surgery) and Ahnung's vet at Lake Harriet Veterinary have said that I caught this very early and acted very quickly. Most aren't this lucky. For many dogs (and cats) the cancer has metastasized before it is even caught. Vicki and Dr. Jim Sinning both have told me that I caught it extremely early. I check my girl every day. She loves to lay on her back and get her belly rubbed so not a day goes by where she doesn't get belly rubs from me. So last Thursday night at 9:30 pm when she chose to roll over on her back instead of joining her siblings Missy and Mister in going potty in the backyard I did the customary, get down on my knees next to her, whisper sweet things in her ears and rub her belly :) I noticed a couple large connected lumps. I immediately called my friend Vicki who texted me back and told me to bring her into her clinic the next day. By Monday she was in surgery and having the entire mass removed. The fact that her chest x-rays are clear indicates that there is no obvious spread of cancer to her lungs yet. The vets also can't feel her lymph nodes ... another positive sign that the cancer hasn't spread. The pathology report says that they see no indication of the cancer spreading into her blood system. So yes, there are a lot of unknowns yet .... we are walking on uncertain ground but we will make it through no matter what and we will hold onto hope .... we meet with the oncologist on Tuesday morning, and at that time we will be given more information ... with the support of friends we will walk through this together, and it will be okay. I have to believe that. When I look into the eyes of Ahnung who is so full of life, the only thing I can do is smile. She is pure love ... pure, unconditional love and she is a gift to me and to so many.

I want to thank all my friends for your continued support and words of encouragement and your prayers. It means so much to us.

Ahnung is having the time of her life right now ... she's getting lots of rest, lots of love, lots of treats and lots of snuggle time with mom, mom's friends and her siblings. Please continue to keep my sweet girl in your thoughts and prayers.

"Hope: Better to light the candle than to curse the darkness"

Ahnung hanging out at the entrance
of the Richfield Petco during the
Pet Haven dog adoption event!

Beyond Connected

I got the call this morning ... the pathology report came in from Ahnung's lumpectomy. She has an aggressive form of breast cancer. Her left fourth mammary glad had a 2.0 cm nodule ... "atypia is moderate to marked. The mitotic rate is high, ranging up to seven per high power field. Infiltrative growth is noted. Extensive zones of tumor necrosis are present ..." I am referred to an oncologist. An appointment is scheduled for Tuesday morning.

Early this morning before I got the call from my vet I noticed a new lump in my left breast. I've been periodically checking since last Thursday when I noticed Ahnung's lumps ... we are so connected that I thought maybe she was trying to tell me something. I haven't noticed anything. This morning was different. I have a sizeable palpable mass in my left breast ... this time a different area than my previous 3 lumps and what was excised. This lump is closer to my lymph nodes. This growth came out of the blue like Ahnung's growth came out of the blue. I called my breast doctor/surgeon up and she wants me to see her next week. I have an appt Wednesday afternoon. I am bonded with my girl Ahnung in an incredibly deep and powerful way. I have always known that. I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on her in October, 2008 up at Red Lake reservation. Physically beaten and battered, she looked worn down. Yet her eyes spoke to me in a way I can't put words to. Abandoned with a litter of 8 puppies, heartworm disease, lymes, no front teeth (grinding her teeth down to the gums in search of food), and a gun shot wound (her recent chest x-rays confirm the bullet remains in one of her nipples) .... this girl is no stranger to a tough life. She's a survivor. And while she was under for her lumpectomy on Monday the vet took x-rays of her teeth. On top of all she's been through, she has 8 lower incisors and a lower canine that have been ground down below her gum line with roots exposed that should be extracted ... more evidence of the rough life she had surviving up north as a rez dog. Yet one would never know what she's been through. There's an incredibly deep connection that binds us ... she is my north star; she is the bright spot in my heart when I have had to go through very difficult times.

My heart aches and hurts from this latest news. I can deal with whatever health issues get tossed my way. When it comes to Ahnung though ... I am just not ready. I am not prepared. Please dear Lord ... not Ahnung, please don't take her away from me just yet.  Her work isn't done yet. Not only has she touched my heart and soul so deeply ... she has touched the hearts and souls of so many.

I ask you to hold Ahnung in your thoughts and prayers. I ask you to give your furry friend an extra hug and a kiss. I ask you to cherish every moment you have with your loved ones because, the truth is, we don't know how long we have ....

In the midst of pain, I look at Ahnung, and Missy and Mister and I know that no matter what happens, no matter how many pieces my heart will shatter into when I have to say goodbye, no matter what the doctors tell me in the coming days/weeks ... what can never be taken away from me is the undying and unwaivering love I have for Ahnung ... and I will never regret loving with all my heart and giving ... and no matter what I will hold onto hope because that's all I have ...

Sweet girl, you are loved. You are cherished, and you are surrounded by love, not only from me but from an entire community of friends who love you.

and sweet girl ... this weekend I promise to take you back for more doggie burgers .... maybe even this time we'll let you have some ice cream for dessert!!! We are going to be attached at the hip again this weekend ... and your siblings Missy and Mister love you too :)

Ahnung's pre-surgery outing!

Ahnung tries on a thundershirt
at Lulu & Luigi

So this weekend my sweet girl and I had a LOT of time together. We were attached at the hip and spent the entire weekend together.

On Saturday, she 'crashed' a Pet Haven new volunteer orientation and was quite the popular girl getting lots of belly rubs and capturing even more hearts ... then we went off to meet my friend Vicki to help her as her rescue (Act V Rescue & Rehabilitation) brought in Athena, a sweet black lab mix with an eye injury from Red Lake Rosie's Rescue [Ahnung got to meet Athena over the fourth of July weekend when she had the chance to visit Red Lake rez .... i'll post a video from photos I took from that weekend at the bottom of this post].

On Sunday, we went to the Richfield Petco to get her a comfy cone ... she said she did NOT want one of those hard plastic cones after surgery. Actually, she wasn't too thrilled with the comfy cone either!! We then went off to Lulu & Luigi to see about getting her a shirt that she could wear after surgery so that she can't lick her incision from her lumpectomy.  She tried a thundershirt on and a blue tank top. She LOVED her shirts!! She also got a white tank top from her Uncle Dave ... she's going to be a styling girl after her surgery!!

Ahnung in our white tank top~!

Next stop on Sunday ... Galaxie Drive-in to get Ahnung a doggie burger!!! I promised Ahnung that I would bring her back from another doggie burger at least 10 more times so she needs to get healthy .... I pray the pathology report that will come in on Friday will tell me that it is either benign or if it is cancer as my vet suspects, that it is at least treatable.

Ahnung is truly a special being ... a wise spirit and an amazing soul. There is a powerful bond between us. I worry that she is taking on my health issues and I want her to know that she doesn't need to do that ... I am the one that's supposed to protect her and take care of her. I am waiting at home now for the call to tell me that everything went well and to let me know when I can pick up my sweet girl.

Please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Sporting her blue tank top
at Lulu & Luigi

Give me that burger!!!

Enjoying the Galaxie Drive-In

Beautiful flowers for Ahnung
from my friend Carol ...
she specifically picked orange and green
which are Ahnung's colors :)

Riding out in the car with me
over the weekend ...
and both of us loving it!

and here's the video with photos taken up at Red Lake Rosie's Rescue where Ahnung was first rescued. Ahnung had a chance to go up to Red Lake reservation where she was first rescued in October, 2008 to visit her rescuer Karen Good. She stepped right back into rez dog mode and had the greatest time. I am so grateful she had a chance to go back and visit Karen and her roots ....

Prayers for my sweet girl Ahnung

On Thursday night at around 9:30 pm as I was rubbing Ahnung's belly (as I often do) I noticed a couple lumps next to one of her nipples. One was the size of a thumbnail ... the other was attached to it and was about the size of my pinky nail. I panicked. I left a message for my friend Vicki (the vet) who texted me back shortly and said to bring her in to the clinic on Friday. I tried to tell myself it was some fatty lump ... it was nothing to worry about. I wanted Vicki to tell me on the phone it's nothing to worry about but I knew she couldn't tell me anything without seeing the lump.

Ahnung and I went to the clinic yesterday afternoon. It's not a fatty lump. Vicki suspects it's breast cancer. Ahnung had 3 chest x-rays done. If there were nodules and cancer had already spread to her lungs Vicki told me she would just send me to see the oncologist. There was no point in aspirating the lump ... she said it needed to be removed - a lumpectomy needed to be done. A lumpectomy is scheduled for early Monday morning. I was scheduled to go out of town for business on Sunday. I ask Vicki if this is something I should get done immediately. She says that if it were her dog she would. The lump is apparently growing fast. I cancel my business trip. This morning I checked her lumps ... they have grown since yesterday. I am terrified of how quickly these lumps are growing.

I can't imagine my life without my sweet girl. She has been my north star and she has helped me through some of my darkest moments. We are so connected. When looking at Ahnung's x-rays Vicki asks me if Ahnung has had heart worm. I say yes. From the shape of Ahnung's heart she is able to tell that. Ahnung and I share heart issues. Her x-rays also show the bullet from the gun shot wound she had when she was first rescued. I have been battling pre-cancer of my left breast. And now Ahnung has two lumps, also in her left breast. I have been telling her to stop trying to take away my health issues. I can deal with whatever health issues life tosses my way ... but dear God, please don't take my sweet girl away from me just yet. Please give me a little more time with her. Please let her continue to shine brightly in the lives of so many others.

I ask for your prayers and your positive and healing thoughts. For those of you that haven't seen the video of her story that I made shortly after I adopted her in in early 2009, check out her very first blog entry at http://ahnung-northstar.blogspot.com/2009/03/ahnung-shine-on.html.

Participating in the 2009 5K9
run/walk with my girl!