Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Ahnung - my north star

There's a heaviness in my heart ... hard as I try to not worry about my sweet girl Ahnung, I find myself filled with worry. The other day I took her to a specialist to check on the bumps on her ears. It seems like we have both been stumping our doctors with our health issues. I've been hearing the word "cancer" a lot more recently in dealing with my own issues. As I stood at the specialist's office my eyes glazed over, and I think I disappeared, as I heard the words "cancer" again.... "we need to biopsy her lumps so we can get a definitive diagnosis. It could be an auto-immune disorder or cancer." She continued to explain a lot more, but to be honest, all I could see was Ahnung, and my heart just filled with pain and a heaviness. I flashed back to the moment I was told Shen had spleen cancer, then 9 months later, when I was told Shadow had intestinal cancer. In one day Shen was taken from us. In a couple weeks Shadow was taken from us. All I could think was "Please, please don't take Ahnung from me. Not now. I need her. The kids at The Lab need her."

Ahnung means "star" in ojibway. I named her Ahnung so she would always carry with her, with pride, her roots. Maybe because I will always carry with me my roots of being Thai ... the first part of my last name "Chan" meaning "moon" in Thai. My entire last name meaning moon rays. At times of darkness, I imagine myself as the moon and Ahnung, my north star, lighting up the skies and wrapping me in her light until the sun rises again.

Tomorrow I take her in for her biopsy. It will be 7 - 10 days before I will know what is going on with her. Tomorrow I also have my appointment with my gastroenterologist to discuss next steps with my own health issues. Ahnung and I are walking parallel paths. We are connected. I know that. I feel that. I feel my Papa alongside of us. I must trust that the journey we are on is the journey we are meant to be on ... whatever that may be.

Our loved ones -those still with us and those who have left us - those two-legged and four-legged - are always with us ... all the time.

All the Time
by William Stafford

Evenings, after others go inside,
my glance quietly ascends through leaves,
through branches. The night wind sighs once
and bends over. Far beyond my glimpse of sky
those friends now gone begin their chorus.

There's a reason for whatever comes,
their song says. Released into light one star
appears, another, and those patterns affirm
where they have been waiting dissolved in blue
but holding their place inside of time.

Every evening this happens, an arch and promise
renewed. Nobody has to notice: a breath
crosses the lawn, or outside the window
a spirit roams, as mysterious as any wanderer
ever was. And it is only the night wind

Photo of night sky borrowed from Flickr.

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