Monday, September 30, 2013

Tomorrow, October 1st ... Ahnung’s 8th birthday and my 25 years of being sober

Ahnung - July 3, 2013

Yesterday, as I was heading to meet the transport of animals arriving from Leech Lake Reservation a reminder popped up on my email . I forgot I had created a facebook event for Ahnung’s 3rd Celebration of Life party which I had planned for September 29th. My heart jolted. If only … if only, I was heading to Ahnung’s party. Instead, I was heading to meet her rez friends in need of a home and I could feel Ahnung telling me, I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. And I was continuing on with the work we had begun together. But my heart aches so much for her …. Tomorrow was going to be a special day for us. October 1st was going to be a day we were both going to celebrate together ---- her 8th birthday and my 25 years of being sober. I have been afraid to feel the deep grief lately, so today as I reflect on the significance of tomorrow I decide to open the door of the guest room where Grief has been taking residence for quite some time ….
Dear Grief,

It has been over a month now. I am sorry I’ve been ignoring you. I know you are in the guest room and I haven’t been able to invite you to join me for coffee, or tea. The truth is, I’ve been wanting to pretend you aren’t here. But you are here. I open the door to your room and I feel myself drowning all over again. I needed a break.

Hold my hand”, Grief says, “It’s okay to take breaks. It’s okay to distract yourself for a little while. It’s okay to give you heart some space …. When you are able to, come in and I will hold your hand, and let the water wash over you. I promise, you will not drown. Ahnung is in the water. She is filling your pores and your spirit and your cells with every tear that falls.”

Cake from Ahnung's Final Celebration party ...
Will the pain ever go away?” I ask, “Will I some day learn to walk in a new way with Ahnung? Will I ever stop wishing, and wanting, and aching for all that used to be? And for the memories to not just be memories. I ache for the moments with Ahnung when I created memories with her. Instead my memories are like paintings on walls.”

Grief holds my hand. I sit down on the edge of her bed.

And Grief repeats to me what she said to me on her many visits before Ahnung crossed over to the spirit world:

Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I fall into the arms of Grief. And I cry and I cry …. and I wail.  Just Be”, Grief whispers to me, “Ahnung is right here with us. She is holding you. She is guiding you. And she will continue to be your north star.”

And so with Ahnung in my heart and in my pores and in my spirit, I trust this journey I am on …. And I trust the path I am walking, is exactly the path I need to be on.

I look Grief in the eyes, ‘Miigwech/thank you.”

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