Thursday, September 5, 2013

Ahnung ... Still Missing You

“No more counting, Marilou .. no more counting of days since your sweet girl left!” I talk to myself. I talk to Ahnung. I talk to the stars. I talk to Legacy. I talk to this vast open space that feels like a bottomless pit and valley. I find myself counting the days since I last held my sweet girl, since I last saw that magnificent tail of her’s wag, since I last prepared breakfast or dinner piled with her many meds and supplements, since I last heard that majestic thump on the floor, since I last saw her burrow herself in the bush outside my back door and rest her head on the purple ball, since I last saw her race Legacy around the back yard and to the back door, since I least heard her foot steps scurry to the treat jar, always hoping ... since I last walked with her in my neighborhood or saw her patiently wait for squirrels at the bottom of trees ....

I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am desperately searching for some semblance of solid ground, to regain some footing … and yes, there are times when the light does seep through the cracks of my broken heart, and there are times when I feel alive again, and there are times when I feel that yes, this too shall pass and I will move through this … and I am grateful for my friends, for the incredible support, and for so many sending their love through this incredibly difficult time …

But this journey through Grief plain and simple .... just sucks. I promised my sweet girl I would hold her and be there with her when it was her time to go. I promised her I would take care of myself and carry on her work. I promised her I would embrace the grief and the pain of losing her so that I could come through this with a fire in my belly that would scream her spirit and her essence to the world. I promised her I wouldn’t run from the hurt, from the pain and that I would keep my heart open.

Legacy and Ahnung - August, 2012
Some days, some moments, I question if I have the strength to keep my promises to her. And on those days, and in those moments, I have to tell myself …. One day at a time Marilou … one moment at a time … one foot in front of the other … I have to remind myself, that the best way I can honor Ahnung is to keep living and loving … and I have no doubt she picked Legacy to leave behind for a reason … to remind me to laugh and to play and to Be Joy because that is what I see when I look at Legacy. I see Ahnung’s spirit sprinkled in Legacy and as we both figure out how to live without Ahnung’s physical presence we will lean into each other. And Legacy leans also on his brother Mister, who in turn leans on his sister Missy, and Missy into me … and so the circle of life continues. And nung-nung’s spirit and fire continue to live on in each of us.

But when, when will I once again feel like my feet our planted solidly on the earth? Will I ever feel grounded again? As I look out into life it's as if I am looking at my life through my camera lens and everything is out of focus ... the colors are dull ... the essence is gone ... Will the crispness return? Will the vibrant spirit I saw come through my viewfinder return? Will i find my way back Home?

and even in my darkest moments, I can still hear my sweet girl, 'Yes mom. It will return. New colors are forming ...  a new vibrancy, and a new focus. I am with you and I will continue to guide you. I just need you to keep your heart open. Trust me."

And so, sweet girl ... I trust you to guide me, as you have done so in the past, through these dark moments. I miss you nung-nung ... and so does your little brother Legacy.

Legacy as a pup with his big sister Ahnung

1 comment:

  1. Marilou,
    Your writing is melodious and true and thought provoking and lyrical, the last being the best to describe the words you use to try to explain what it is like to be without Ahnung. You wrote a compassionate response to my losing my dog Oreo and I wasn't able to put into words how much that meant to me to have someone I do not know take the time to write something so beautiful. I know I will look back on all of the sweet words and kind remembrances and my pain will have been softened but not gone because it will never be erased from my heart, it is forever engraved. But that is a good thing because engraving and etching have an eternal quality and permanence to them, they cannot be washed away by tears and further pain and the engraving is usually highly crafted and unique to the artist who does the work, and in this case it was my Oreo. No other artist will have that same fine engraving upon your heart or mine as Ahnung and Oreo did. One day again I know that another special spirit will come into my life and they too will engrave their spirit upon my heart and soul just as finely as Oreo and Ahnung did for you. Your photos will be the living monument to her as well, I'm so thankful for the one photo of Oreo that will forever be my precious possession and I can't think what I would have done without having it. Ahnung has not left you because she lives in your heart and her spirit is there, looking over your shoulder or sitting by your side as you write such beautiful and wonderful words of tribute to her and deeply appreciated letters to others who have gone on the same journey as you have. Thank you and know that we all are with you in your pain and sorrow. Pam