Saturday, September 21, 2013

Ahnung .... tomorrow will be four weeks

Ahnung ... pre-cancer diagnosis
It's hard to believe tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks since Ahnung's Final Celebration ... since the last time I held her, the last time I heard her snore, the last time I saw her magnificent tail wag, the last time I rubbed her belly .... nestled my head against her head and felt her heart beat, the last time I saw her burrow in the bush by the back door, her head resting on the the purple ball ... the last time I witnessed just how amazing she is with all beings, 4 legged and 2 legged, and how she touched and opened the hearts of everyone she met. I've been told we have a soul connection. I knew that the moment I laid eyes on her in October, 2008 on my first visit to Red Lake Reservation. I made a promise to my sweet girl .. that I would let her go when it was time. There are days when I wake up and I can almost feel the lightness in my heart again, and then there are days, and moments, when the pain strikes and I just want to scream and I just want her back again ... I just want her back again. Tonight is one of those moments. I close my eyes ... please, let this all just be a bad dream. Let me wake up and find my sweet girl next to me again. I just want her back again. Is that too much to ask?

Legacy - 21Sep2013
I haven't been able to write lately because part of me has been afraid to .... writing helps me move through this grief; writing also connects me to that part of myself that cannot hide from my feelings and when I write I reach into the deepest part of grief and hurt and pain, and there's a part of me that wants to run from it all. I know Ahnung is still with me ... she is in my heart and in the hearts of so many people, and her spirit lives on strongly, especially in Legacy. I am grateful she left pieces of herself with Legacy. Today, we played out in the backyard. And he leaped, and jumped with sheer, ecstatic joy ... and it made my heart sing. I could hear my sweet girl telling me that that is how she feels right now, and some day when I move through these intense waves of grief, that I too will feel sheer, utter, joy again ...

All I have left now of my sweet girl are memories .... I pray for continued strength, for peace, for acceptance ... for her spirit to cradle my fragile heart and continue to light the fire inside my soul so I can keep doing the work we were meant to do ....

I miss you sweet girl.

I miss my co-pilot ....

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