Last night as I was getting ready to go to bed, I received an email …. An email that brought tears to my eyes, but also brought me great comfort.
It has been quite some time since we have connected directly, however, I love reading your writings on facebook, thank you for sharing them. I have to tell you how sorry I was to hear about Ahnung, I am so lucky to have met her, I know the sorrow you feel is deep - it makes me teary and my heart feels sorrow thinking of her taken away so soon. I wanted to write sooner, but I have no words - there are no words.
The reason I am writing is to share something with you. It feels awkward to share it by email, and I hope you do not mind, but I wanted you to know this, and I am not sure I would be able to find the words in conversation - it is very emotional for me, I am needing to take breaks just to write this email. Again, I really apologize for the informality of sending this by email, I hope my words and story will help you to look past this means of conveying it.
I don't know if I had told you, but last April (2012) we lost our golden retriever, Nike, he was 13, and cancer filled his body. He also had some severe arthritis, despite the pain medicine, acupuncture, and supplements I gave him, in the end, he was so immobile we would carry him from room to room, he wasn't eating and loosing so much weight. We finally made the decision to put him down ….. and this broke my heart, I felt I could never open my heart to having another dog in my home because I could never go through this again. A part of me held on to the decision to put him down, it's not right that we are forced to make such decisions - we shouldn't, it was so painful. Since that day I have had dreams of Nike, most have been scary, he is swimming in a river or lake and it is getting too deep and I can't get to him and he is being pushed under the waves and he is gone and I feel the loss all over again, the pain is fresh again and it takes me down. Then, recently, I had another dream, I had a dream of Nike swimming, I felt the anticipation that it would be the same scary scenario, but I see Ahnung, she is swimming with Nike, they are playing, and he is safe. I feel I am letting go, letting go of the heaviness, and I can start to feel some peace. How can I ever thank her for watching out for him. How can I thank him for being a part of my life, for loving so freely and purely-he was a part of my heart, and when I had to let go, I felt it shatter. Thank you for letting me know her, even the little bit I did. I can't say thank you enough. Again I am so sorry this comes by email, and I hope my words have conveyed the beauty and peace this has brought me, thank you.
Please know she is in my thoughts and heart. I can never thank her enough for watching over my Nike. I hope she is watching over all of the other animals I have loved that have passed. I will always think of her when I think of those animals I have loved who have passed. Please forgive that this story comes by email. Thank you Marilou, for sharing her with us.
Thank you Rose, for sharing this email; thank you for telling me this story and for opening up your heart; thank you for your courage to reach back into a place in time that brought so much pain and to allow yourself to heal. You have also brought healing to me by sharing.
The past few days have been very hard for me. I have been missing Ahnung deeply. I look for her on her favorite dog beds and her favorite spots. I look for her to greet me with her wagging tail by the treat jar when I come home. I look for her in the passenger seat when I am driving. I have asked her to come visit me in my dreams but so far she hasn’t come. The only time I have felt her presence in my dream was about a week ago when I had this lucid dream where some energy was telling me there was a new lump in my breast, but it could only be seen with an MRI. In that dream I could feel Ahnung in my dream.
Ahnung makes her presence known to me in my waking state most of the time. There a moments when I am holding Legacy where this wave comes over me and I feel Ahnung. I feel joy. And Rose’s email reminds me how my sweet girl is continuing to live on. She is reminding me that she is in the hearts of many others and how she is continuing to help in the healing of other beings, but her work is at a different plane of existence now. My heart often aches and hurts because I miss Ahnung deeply. Yet when I have felt her presence, it has been Joy. And I cherish the image of Ahnung guiding Nike and playing with him in the river. From the moment I laid eyes on Ahnung I knew there was something special about her. What I didn’t know was the path she was going to lead me down … the depth of connection, of healing, of insight … I hear her telling me that our journey did not end on August 25, 2013. I hear her telling me we got to a fork in the road. It was her turn to take a new path and I was to continue down the path we had started together. We both had work to do, separately and together, but in a new way.
As much as I want Ahnung to visit me in my dreams, I have to trust she will come when it is time. It appears she has been busy in the hearts and spirits of others. I am reminded of a visit to a classroom we did a few years ago. On this particular day her typical behavior changed and she found her way to a young boy who had disengaged himself from the world and his classmates and family for 2 weeks. I didn’t know it at the time. Ahnung planted herself, like a service dog, next to the young boy and wouldn’t leave his side for the duration of the class period. Towards the end of my presentation (we were there to share Ahnung’s story), out of the corner of my eye I saw the young boy reach over to pet Ahnung … and at that moment, I could feel a connection, a heart starting to open up. I look back at that moment, and I feel honored and blessed that I was chosen to be her guardian while she here on earth. I am honored to have witnessed her work and to feel hearts opening up .... magic. mystery. love. hope. resilience. trust. connection. community .... yes, all those words = Ahnung.
Over and over, I feel her spirit and her energy speaking to me …. ‘our work isn’t done.’
What is a heart?
It is not human, and it is not imaginary.
I call it you.