Letter to Grief

Ahnung - Grand Marais (Dec., 2011)

Dear Grief,

It’s been over two weeks now since you’ve come to stay … sometimes I peak in the guest room and I don’t see you … a ray of hope that the fog is lifting. I see the sun shining in through the windows. I wonder, have you left? But I see your bags are still here.

And then there are times where everywhere I turn you are there. In the living room, in the dining room, in my writing room, in my office, by the treat jar, by nung-nung’s favorite sleeping spot, by the healing river rocks, by her favorite hiding bush by the back door, in the studio, on the patio, next to Legacy, in my car, in the squirrels that come to visit …

I know you told me you would be here to stay for a while. Most days I am okay with you hanging around … you are a dull constant ache, and then out of the blue you hit me with sharp dagger pains and tsunamis and I fumble and flounder to find my way back to that center that has grounded me. But how do I ground myself, when my center is Ahnung?

“Remember … you are One with Ahnung” Grief says.

I look Grief in the eye and ask her to leave.

“Stay with me” she says… “Stay with me for a moment. Let the tears fall. Stay with the pain … just for a moment.”

And so I fall into Grief’s arm. I fall into the pain.

And each time I do, the pain lessens.

Grief repeats to me what she told me a year ago,

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I see more rays of sunshine now. I feel Ahnung’s spirit in me. I am learning to walk in a new way with my sweet girl. But when the moment of missing Ahnung hits, and when Grief breaks down doors …. I do my best to keep my promise to Ahnung and to honor her … I stay with the pain; I stay with the Grief … no more running … and so I write, and I write, and I write ….  I pray for strength and I lean on an amazing community of friends, and I hold Legacy, Missy and Mister … and I close my eyes, and feel Ahnung in my heart.

“She’s there” Grief tells me. “Listen. Listen with your heart …. She is right here with you.”

So as I walk this unpredictable terrain of Grief, I create space to ride the waves, to jump off the rollercoaster, to simply put one foot in front of the other, to cherish moments when Hope and sunshine are in full blaze like they once were, and to know that there is no roadmap for this journey. The only roadmap is my heart, my truth and the promise to Ahnung to carry her spirit and her essence forward in the work we began together.