Friday, October 3, 2008
Moving through the cloud of uncertainty...
Once again, this morning I find myself experiencing an entire spectrum of emotions. My appointment with the surgeon the other day did not provide me with any closure ... in fact, more uncertainty, more waiting. The cloud of cancer continuing to loom above. The truth is, there is a part of me that is afraid and scared - dare i say even attached to a life i am loving as my life feels so full and my heart feels so open. My trip up north to Ely at the end of July was the beginning of a major shift in my life. I write about the wolves who touched a part of soul that had been dormant for so long. I am reading Pema Chodron's book "Comfortable with Uncertainty" .. she shares: "what everyone on this path shares is the inspiration to rest in uncertainty - cheerfully. The root of suffering is resisting the certainty that no matter what the circumstances, uncertainty is all we truly have.... what we call uncertainty is actually the open quality of any given moment. When we can be present for this openness - as it is always present for us - we discover that our capacity to love and care for others is limitless."
As full as my life feels, as exciting as possibilities of tomorrow hold... i ask myself again, this morning, in meditation ... to simply be okay with uncertainty, with the unknown, and to simply trust. My journey will unfold in the way it is meant to unfold. This morning, however, it has been a struggle. I remind myself, it's okay ... and to be gentle with myself.
In mid July I was blessed to meet Ode, an abused puppy from up north in Red Lake, who has been an incredible teacher to me on loving, living, hope and forgiveness. I had the chance to see her again yesterday, and as I struggle with moving through the cloud of uncertainty, she reminds me with her piercing, soulful eyes that yes, the sun is shining brightly behind the clouds.
Ode, thank you for all you have given to me and for the lessons you continue to teach me.