Enjoying every moment!

Ahnung waiting to meet the Leech Lake Legacy transport

I realize that there will be many ups and downs as Ahnung and I walk this Final Walk ... there will many different terrains and landscapes as we move through this journey, with only one constant, our commitment for our hearts and souls to remain connected.

The decision to not move forward with chemotherapy was both a very difficult decision, but also one that came with a tremendous amount of relief. Accepting that Ahnung's cancer has metastasized to her lungs, and that her largest tumor has grown 30% in the past 4 weeks does not mean we are giving up. Choosing not to proceed with chemotherapy does not mean we are giving up. We gave low dose chemo a try for a month ... maybe it helped, maybe it didn't. We are still fighting, but our fight is not against Cancer ... our fight is to keep living, and more than anything to keep living with the highest quality of life and to live with grace, dignity and lots and lots of joy :)

So the past 24 hours have been a wonderful 24 hours ...

Yesterday afternoon Ahnung and her little brother Legacy accompanied me to meet a transport of dogs arriving from Leech Lake Reservation (via the Leech Lake Legacy program) ... in total 19 precious critters arrived on transport. All are safe and warm and are on their way to finding their own forever homes.

This morning Ahnung kicked off her day with her morning playtime with Legacy. Today, they decided to play in the house before taking their play out into the snow ...

Then next .... Ahnung and I were off to run some errands .. first we need to make a stop at the bank to make a deposit at the ATM. I place the checks on the passenger seat, let Ahnung in, and by the time I get around to the driver's seat Ahnung has plopped herself down on the passenger seat, making herself VERY comfortable on top of all the checks. There was no moving her, so mom had to work around a sleeping girl!

 

 

Ahnung sleeps on top of the checks!

Next stop, the car wash! We stop at Mister Car Wash. Ahnung comes inside and we hang out in the waiting room. She is busy greeting everyone and getting lots of compliments and belly rubs. We got a few, 'wow, she's so calm.' Of course, as soon as anyone walks by with popcorn she's gazes over in their direction, maintains that gaze with eagle precision, in hopes they will toss her a a kernel of two, and much to her dismay, no goodies come her way.

Ahnung - car wash waiting area.

Next stop, Woody's Pet Food Deli ... to place an order for 25 lbs of free range, organic whole chicken so that we have a fresh batch ready for her (and yes, all of her siblings) for when we head up north on Friday [Ahnung and Legacy will be heading back to Grand Marais, MN on Friday. We went last December when Legacy was still a puppy so now it's time for the best buds to head back up to Grand Marais!]. Ahnung loved visiting Woody's Pet Food Deli .... I can only imagine all the smells that made her nose twitch. When it was time to leave she had made herself very comfy and I think would've like to have become the resident greeter!

Ahnung anxiously waits for a treat at Woody's

Final stop: Whole Foods to pick up some greens (broccoli and spinach) ... we add steamed greens to their raw food diet. Unfortunately Ahnung had to wait for me in the car as I'm not so sure Whole Foods would've appreciate having my four-legged furry companion come shopping with me at Whole Foods!

Ahnung hopes I bring her surprise when i return from my shopping spree at Whole Foods!

And then we got home, mom fed us a very yummy dinner and she went through some old videos. She found this cute video of me playing with my baby brother Legacy when he was a puppy ... the little squirt taught me how to play but I needed to teach him that my tail is not a chew toy!!

So today was a great day!!! Looking forward to many more awesome days with my precious girl.

Ahnung's cancer has spread ...

I returned from the Philippines on Thanksgiving night. It was a whirlwind trip and I was exhausted  after traveling for over 24 hours. Legacy greeted me in the car as he came along for the ride to the airport with Jenny. When I got home I was greeted by my other pups: Mister, Missy and Ahnung. I noticed right away how Ahnung looked like she had lost weight. As it turned out, we had an appointment this week for her 3 month cancer check up at Lake Harriet Vet. On Monday we were to go in so they could draw blood for her full blood workup. Then on Wednesday we had an appointment with Dr. Cathy. We went in on Monday and we checked her weight ... she had lost 4 lbs since her last visit to the vet a few months ago. Other than her weight loss Ahnung was not showing any symptoms. She was full of life, had a strong appetite, and enjoying her morning ritual of perusing the big back yard and rough housing with Legacy. I've been checking her regularly as well for any new lumps or bumps. Over the summer she had an ultrasound done as well and we confirmed she had no tumors in her spleen or lower organs. I've been able to catch the first two cancers because she had lumps. I noticed the lump by her nipple in July, 2011 and had surgery immediately to remove the lump and had clear margins. I noticed the lump on her neck/back and the lump was aggressively removed in April of this year and the reports also indicated a clear margin. But this past surgery was very hard on her and took a long time for her incision to heal. In April was had a Celebration of Life party for her ... what a gift to have had so many friends come together to honor her and to have a healing prayer circle led by my friend Merry Sawdey.

Since April I have been doing everything I possibly can for my girl ... we've been going in for 3 month cancer check ups and full blood work. Our plan is to have chest x-rays every 6 months and after the ultrasound was done over the summer I decided to also add ultrasounds to her plan. I have thanked Ahnung for giving me the signs .... the lumps on her mammary chain and her neck/back have allowed me to physically see the tumor .. to catch the cancer early. Since April I have struggled with the knowing that there is probably cancer in her body and I just can't see it. It's at a cellular level and my way to combat it is to do everything I can to build up her immune system and to create an environment in her body that is not conducive for cancer cells to thrive. We are so grateful to the staff at Lake Harriet Veterinary for the incredible love, compassion and care they have given to Ahnung. She has been on chinese herbs, fish oil and mushroom supplements since April along with following an anti-cancer diet. She also gets to enjoy raw cabbage juice with me :)

Ahnung after her surgery in April to remove the tumor in her neck/back

So yesterday Ahnung and I met with Dr. Cathy. We weighed her again and she had lost almost a pound since her visit on Monday. Dr. Cathy was happy to tell me her blood work came back great! Everything was in the normal range. She checked her out and nothing indicated any issues or problems. I shared my concern about her weight loss. Dr. Cathy agreed. Knowing her history with cancer she recommended chest x-rays. I asked if metastasis of cancer to her lungs could be happening even if she has no symptoms (other than unexplained weight loss) and her blood work is normal. 'Yes' was the answer I got. So off she went to the back to get 3 radiograph views. Of course, she got lots of hugs and treats from the awesome staff while she was there :)

Yesterday late afternoon I got a call from Dr. Cathy. They had sent the chest x-rays out for a second opinion from a radiologist and the results had come back. My heart just sank when the words metastasis to her lungs came out. My entire world came crashing down. So much of the conversation is a blur as much as I tried to listen. We are meeting with Ahnung's oncologist at 2 pm today to go over options. As much as I knew in my gut that this was coming, I am not ready for this. I am not ready to say goodbye to Ahnung. I am not ready to lose a part of me, a part of my soul. Today we are scheduled to visit her friend 'R' in hospice. We have been volunteering as a team in hospice and we have walked the final journey with so many. Today when we go and visit our friend I now know that we are actively begin to walk the final journey, not only with 'R' but also with my sweet Ahnung.

Ahnung and Legacy ... best friends and soul mates :)

I pray this morning for the strength to be at peace with wherever my path with Ahnung needs to go. I pray for courage to stand by her and to allow her to walk her final journey with life, joy and playfulness. And I thank my precious girl for bringing Legacy into our lives and for showing me that playful puppy side of her. There is nothing more joyful for me than to watch Ahnung and Legacy play chase and roll around in dirt every morning.

I don't know how much more time I have with Ahnung. What I do know is that I will cherish every moment I have with her. I will hold her and I will love her with every fiber of my being.

Here's a video I created back in April after her Celebration of Life party ...

Prayers for my sweet Ahnung

Ahnung the day before her surgery

On Tuesday, 4/10 I learned that the lump on Ahnung's neck was a malignant, aggressive cancer. Last July my sweet girl was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and the surgeon and oncologist were optimistic based on pathology reports that her margins were good and that all the cancer was removed. I've been vigilant about checking Ahnung for lumps. I've tried my best to not worry that cancer would return. Ahnung had surgery on Friday, 4/13. She had surgery to aggressively remove the tumor along with deep margins. We are waiting for the results of her pathology report which will hopefully come in tomorrow (Wednesday). Waiting, and not knowing, is the hardest part for me. I know she has cancer .. what I don't know is what kind of cancer, the grade of the cancer, has it spread and what's her prognosis. It's been a roller coast of emotions for me since Tuesday. We are going to have a party on Sunday, 4/22 .. a Celebration of Life party for  Ahnung. To learn more about her party check out her blog.  She's been a gift not only to me but to so many others. 

I found this native American prayer on the internet .... I have been reading this prayer every morning as I continue to prayer for Ahnung and for the strength and courage to be able to face and handle whatever is meant to be ...

Live Your Life

"So live your life so the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their views, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and of service to your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a stranger if in a lonely place. Show respect to all people, but grovel to none. When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself.

Touch not the poisonous firewater that makes wise ones turn to fools and robs them of their visions.

When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home."  ~ Tecumseh

The truth is, I'm struggling and can't find peace in the thought that I may lose my Ahnung. I'm struggling to be at peace with the unknown. I'm angry at the injustice of this all. My heart hurts and my mind takes me places where I need for it to not go. I'm scared and I am worried, and I am not able to handle this hurdle life has thrown at me with even a fraction of grace and dignity that Ahnung has. I'm waiting for that phone call so I will know what the pathology reports says .. but will it really make me feel better to know? What if it's the worse news possible? Can life really throw me any more curve balls? And if it so happens that a part of my soul is ripped from me, will I be able to rise from the ashes? There are days when the hurt in my heart is excruciating and almost unbearable. I know it will pass. Till then, and while I am blessed to have my Ahnung in my life, I will just hold her tightly.

Please keep Ahnung in your thoughts and prayers.

Ahnung is prepped
for surgery by the staff
at South Hyland vet clinic who just love her!