On August 25, 2013, as the sun was setting, I held my Ahnung in my arms, surrounded by friends, as her heart stopped beating. The weight of her body fell into my arms. She was gone. Physically gone. My heart wanted to stop breathing with her.
Grief, you took her place.
I have floundered in the darkness.
You again remind me of what you said to me in your many visits:
“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”
Grief holds my hand. Walk with me. Close your eyes.
“When I visit you in waves know that I come with your Ahnung. Ride the waves with us. Open your heart … in the cracks and shattered pieces of your heart, let the light in, let the water in … you must also let the sharp edges cut you. Sink into the waves. Hold onto me, hold onto Ahnung. One day I promise you, you will ride the waves with us and I will leave you. You will learn a new dance and a new way to Be with Ahnung.”
I invite Grief into my house. I set up a guest room for her.
"How long will you stay?" I ask.
"You will let me know. Listen. Listen to your heart, to Ahnung's heart. There is a beat, a strong heart beat in the silence and in the spaces."
We sit by the fireplace and I offer her a cup of tea.
Into the night .... We tell each other stories. We sit in silence.
“Ahnung is with you.”
I look at at my new friend, “Teach me. Teach me to listen in a new way.”
Photos from Ahnung's Final Celebration. Many thanks to Ryan of CapturMor for the priceless gift of these images: