Thursday, August 29, 2013

Ahnung .... I don't know how to walk without you ...

Forever in my heart ...
On my final night and morning here in Grand Marais, Grief visits me again. She has warned me she will come in waves. There will be days when I won't feel like I can breathe, like the very essence of me has been vacuumed out of my body. And so this morning, as I look out at Lake Superior as the sun rises I pray for the courage and the strength to move through this pain. I don't know how to be anymore. I don't know how I can carry this grief, this all-consuming pain ... Dear sweet girl, I need to touch you, to feel you, to hear you snore, to rub your belly, to burrow my head in your thick neck and kiss the top of your head. I told you not to take my illness. The cancer cells in my body were mine, not your's; the dying cells in my body were mine not your's; and this failing heart of mine was not your's to carry. You were spending a lot of time by the healing river rocks last Wednesday and Thursday and you were following me around the house. I know when you do that you are telling me something.  You have alerted me to lumps in my breast and to things I never knew were even there. You knew I had to go in for my heart tests last week and that next week I see my cardiologist. It is my heart that is failing sweet girl, not your's. You have been my rock through my health challenges these past few years. You have been the rock for so many people, for so many kids, for those walking their final journey, and for your little brother Legacy. I know I must carry on the work you have started. I know your story, our story must be told so that your Legacy of Love will continue in the hearts of many. Forgive me sweet girl, but this morning, as I watch the sun rise, and listen to the birds, I am floundering .... I am being swallowed by the very earth that held us both up ... I am searching for you and I can't find you. You tell me you are with me. I don't see you. I don't feel you. I don't hear you. Forgive me sweet girl for wanting more right now, for wanting your physical presence, for us to to build more memories see little kids come up to you and kiss you and hug you. To witness a a young girl who says she is afraid of dogs, come up to you within minutes and rub your back and stroke your head ... to hear your hospice friends call out 'There's my Star!', and watch their faces light up with your wagging tail, your happy indicator. 
Grand Marais - sunrise

I know sweet girl I have a lot to be grateful for. I know I need to learn to walk with you in a new way. I know there is a path you are paving for me. But forgive me sweet girl for saying this ... I can't imagine going on without you. You came into my life when there was so much darkness ... when I was being haunted my memories I had repressed, when flashbacks of sexual abuse from 40 years ago had reared its ugly head. You were truly my north star leading me out of my darkness. You were my guiding star and with you by my side I let go of a deep, dark secret I had carried for decades ... and with you by my side I healed and walked through and emerged even stronger. And so sweet girl, I will learn to walk again. I will crawl and I will take baby steps. I will give myself the space and time to feel the pain. I will do what you have taught me to do … to Be with all my emotions, to write … to write some more, to cry, to scream, to give voice to your story. 

You brought a community together. You have healed and touched hearts. An entire community grieves for you sweet girl.

Rest in peace nung-nung… and show your friends how nimble and quick you are, and tell them all about how you used to beat your baby brother Legacy in your sprints and dashes around our back yard. Legacy misses you too. He’s been looking for you. Thank you for leaving a piece of yourself with him …. He has been my comfort as I have returned to Grand Marais to scatter your ashes into Lake Superior. Sweet dreams ... This is not goodbye ... till we meet again.

Legacy .... carries pieces of Ahnung with him

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