Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Let go ... needing to trust and surrender

Today began with some great news from work ... profit sharing, merit increase and bonus distribution ... and my new work iPhone had arrived to replace my blackberry. I was off to a great start and was hoping it would continue in that vein. I was of course anxious to hear about the results of the MRI from yesterday. Now in some ways I wish I hadn't gotten the call. As I was driving into the office I got a call from the hospital. The nurse called to tell me that there were two lesions in my MRI that were of concern. I asked if they were in the same area as the lesion I had last summer. She said, "no, these are new lesions" and the radiologist wanted me to come in for an ultrasound as soon as I was able. She said my surgeon would be calling me to discuss more of the specifics.

So late this afternoon my surgeon calls. She tells me that she was very discouraged when she read and saw the report. I've been seeing this same surgeon for almost 10 years now and just love her. I've had 4 surgeries with her. The first was to remove half my thyroid back in 2001 and in the past year and a half i've had 3 separate lumpectomies where she removed lumps in my breast. She's walked this journey with me for 18+ months. This was the first time I noticed some real concern in her voice and in her tone. She tells me that there are actually more than 2 areas of concern. The area that was of concern last summer has resolved. That was also the same area where Mayo did an MRI-guided biopsy and the lesion turned out to be benign. Then in October I had a couple areas removed from my left breast where there was significant abnormality in every pathology slide. She removed a large chunk from what she calls the 12 o'clock position. It's the same area where she's removed lumps for my past 3 surgeries. The MRI from yesterday shows a 1.5 cm lesion in the 12 o'clock position which indicates to her that this is new growth from last October. This is a fairly large lesion. There is also a lesion she says in the 6 o'clock position on my left breast and now a new lesion in my right breast around the lymph node. She says, the results of my MRI are 'busy'. There's a lot of activity going on. She repeats again that she's very concerned.

I go in for an ultrasound early Thursday morning. If they're able to see the lesion/tumor with the ultrasound they will go ahead and biopsy the areas. In the past, ultrasounds have normally never revealed anything for me. Same goes for mammograms. I see my surgeon next Wednesday to go over in more detail the results of the MRI and to discuss options and next steps as I will have more test results by then. There's a part of me that just feels like i'm in a daze. One moment I feel strong and positive and feel like I can handle whatever is thrown my way. Other times I simply just want to break down and cry. I am tired of these health issues. In the end I know I will be okay, no matter what. I have enjoyed the time i've had of feeling good and feeling healthy. If the ultrasound isn't able to detect the lesions i'm back to the gray area i've been in for such a long time .. on the other hand the ultrasound and possible biopsy could reveal a definitive case of cancer, and if it is what kind is it and what stage?

So at this moment I find myself praying for courage and for the strength to simply trust, surrender and let go. I'm heading out of town on Friday to attend a workshop "Transforming your Life" in Virginia. How timely for me to be going to this workshop. My hope is that I will be in a safe place to do some deep healing ... and while doing so I will be surrounded by a loving community where it will be safe to cry and to feel and to create space for whatever emotions surface without passing judgment.

When I get scared I always imagine myself being carried and protected by my Papa. I return to the photo of him carrying me when I was a little girl, and not long before he died. I imagine him holding me when I'm scared and I imagine him whispering to me, "it will be okay. I am right here with you." And I know he sent me angels ... when I hold onto Ahnung I can feel his energy and presence so strongly. She is truly my north star and I will hold on tightly to her as I step into what will be weeks of uncertainty around my health.

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