Monday, March 7, 2011

Holding onto my northstar

This morning I head to Fairview Ridges for my breast MRI. It's been 5 months since my last surgery and when they removed what my surgeon says were 'random samples' where every slide examined by the pathologist showed abnormality; and in the end where pathologists couldn't agree on whether I was still in the pre-cancer stage with atypical ductal hyperplasia or whether I had crossed over the line into non-invasive cancer. What there was agreement over was that there was definitely something going on with the cells in my breast and it was progressively getting worse. They couldn't definitively tell me that it was cancer; doctors at Mayo were concerned about surrounding tissue and that there may already be cancer (and even the possibility of invasive cancer); there's concern with the 'close surveillance' option I've chosen for now. With so many other major changes going on in my life these past 5 months I opted to go with close surveillance. Yes, I knew it was a risk, but it was as they say in the business world I am a part of ... a 'calculated risk.' I wouldn't change my decision. I have basked in the joy of feeling so alive these past months and also feeling like a brand new person physically as well. The doctors couldn't tell me for sure it was cancer so after weighing all that was going on in my life and what I had to face and deal with I opted to wait a few months. The doctors felt like it would be okay to do and understood where I was coming from. Truth is ... I needed a break from seeing doctors and going through medical procedure after medical procedure.

So today is another Marilou day .... going in for the breast MRI, seeing my therapist, spending time with my pups who are my angels and best healers, and going to my photography class tonight. Today I hold onto the unconditional love of my dogs, and I will carry their image with me into the 'tube' and I will carry their love, and the love of so many friends, with me over the next 48 hours as I wait for the results of the scan to come back. My sweet dog Ahnung (and yes, she is my north star) is a constant reminder to me that I will be okay no matter the doctor says.

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