Friday, September 3, 2010

Trusting in the path

On so many levels this past week has been extremely difficult and painful. For someone who has successfully learned to bottle up my emotions and not let a tear fall ... I have had more tears fall in the past few days. I know change and transformation can be difficult and painful. I also know first hand at such a deep level what it is to lose someone you love ... it's amazing how the loss of my father at 4 has left me with so much scar tissue around my heart. And then sexual abuse at the age of 9 by a trusted family friend and Catholic deacon added to that pain and eventual hardening of my heart to protect the little girl.

Then Bimini happened in July and I was touched by the wild dolphins and the little girl emerged and she has brought me back to the depths of my earliest hurts of life. It's as if the dolphins touched my heart and said it's time to set that little girl free, and in doing so I feel like I no longer have the scar tissue around my heart that once protected me. Raw, exposed, vulnerable ... that's how I feel. Yet I know it is an essential step in my healing process. As I sit here now I am scared to death as I fear the loss of two significant people in my life, for entirely different reasons ... the tears keep falling. A friend tells me "tears are good and cleansing. See them as a beautiful river." And another friend shared with me yesterday a quote from Pema Chodron, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." I know this pain I am going through is part of my healing journey. Quite frankly, it sucks and in my darkest moments I find myself turning to God, to the Divine, to the Beloved and I am reading this beautiful quote by Hafiz over and over ...

"I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the Astonishing Light of your own Being"

In my darkest moments, I turn to God and I trust that He is carrying me and holding me till I can walk on my own again.

Skinning Your Knees on God
~ Hafiz

Little by litte,
You will turn into stars.

Even then, my dear,
You will only be
A crawling infant,
Still skinning your knees on God.

Little by little,
You will turn into
The whole sweet, amorous Universe
In heat
On a wild spring night,

And become so free
In a wonderful, secret
And pure Love
That flows
From a conscious,
Infinite need for Light.

Even then, my dear,
The Beloved will have fulfilled
Just a fraction,
Just a fraction! 
Of a promise
He wrote upon your heart.

When your soul begins
To Ever bloom and laugh
And spin in Eternal Ecstasy --

O little by little,
You will turn into God.

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