Thursday, May 7, 2009

Embracing Uncertainty ..

The passing of my dear friend Elaine awoke me on so many levels. 17 months ago her journey began as she innocently discovered a lump in her breast. 8 months ago I too discovered a lump. Shortly before that I had a dream that I had cancer in my left breast. Some crazy dream I thought. Or was it a premonition? Yet something told me to get it checked out. Tests all came back negative. The original lump I went in for was not the lump my surgeon was concerned about -- there was a different one. To be honest, I couldn't even tell it was there. Thank God for having a great doctor (she was my surgeon many years ago who removed half my thyroid). On my last visit with her almost 7 months ago she said ... "monitor the lump, and if it gets any larger in six weeks come back in and we should consider a biopsy." Six weeks turned into six months as my life got busy and I convinced myself there was nothing to worry about. The fast track came to a screeching halt the day I got word Elaine was back in the hospital. One week later she was gone. A reminder to me of how brief life is. A reminder to me to also check the lump I had conveniently blocked from my mind. Six months later the lump/mass I couldn't find has become prominent. Yesterday I met with my doctor. The option to wait and not do anything is no longer an option. There is obvious concern. It's amazing how quickly things happen when doctors say the word -- tomorrow I go in for a diagnostic mammogram/ultrasound with a possible biopsy. If nothing appears on the mammogram/ultrasound she wants to proceed with a surgical biopsy next week. Either way, by the end of next week I will know if the tumor is malignant or benign.

So what do I do with this period of uncertainty? What do I do with worry and fear that have come flooding into my heart and the heart of my partner? Last night was a sleepless night ... for me, for my partner. She was worrying about me; i was worrying about me; and i was worrying about her worrying about me :)

As I meditated this morning after journaling and looking out my window to our back yard, I realized I have a choice. Elaine had a choice. She chose to embrace life. I have a choice now, and as I journey through turbulent waters this next week, I choose to embrace uncertainty. I choose to be grateful for all I have today. I choose to welcome whatever comes.

I also choose to fill my heart and my spirit with positive, healing energy and thoughts. I also choose to share this process with you, and on my blog, because I believe we are all connected and there is something transforming and healing when one is a part of a loving community. I am blessed to be a part of such a loving community. In this week of uncertainty, I ask for your positive thoughts, and I ask for you to pause for a moment from the craziness of your own life, and to savor life in the moment, because YES! it is beautiful.



  1. Marilou--you may not remember me, but I volunteer with the cat division at Pet Haven. We have met just a few times. I am sorry to hear that you are having these issues and fears, and can totally relate to what you are going through. I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma in December after a mass was found in my chest. Thankfully, early detection has allowed me to beat this, and I know that your outcome will be as positive. It's frustrating, but we sometimes have to put our issues into the hands of others and depend on them to get through things. It sounds as if you have a good "team" to depend upon. Good luck to you in the coming weeks, and keep your positive attitude. It really goes a long way.

  2. Nicole, thank you so much for your kind words and words of encouragement.... I am happy to hear that you were able to beat Hodgkins lymphoma. I have my moments but I will do my best to remain positive :) Next week I go in for a surgical biopsy. Soon enough I will know. Again, thank you for your note.

  3. Hi Marilou,

    I am behind in reading my favorite blogs, and I saw your post. I'm sorry you're going through this scary experience, but it's also good that you got it checked out. Your chances of it being benign or treatable are very good. I send you wishes of wellness. You have the right attitude.

    Be well,