Looking Beyond: Dreams and Spiritual Guides

My surgery yesterday went smoothly ... the staff at Fairview Ridges were awesome, as usual. Since this is my third time (in the past year and a half) for the same surgery to remove a lump in my left breast even the nurses remembered me and I got such a warm welcome! And I just love and trust my surgeon whom I have known for almost 10 years now ... the first time was back in 2001 when she took out half my thyroid. I struggled a little more with pain this go around (post surgery) than the previous 2 surgeries in 2009 and gave myself permission to take some pain medication. I remember being wheeled into surgery as the nurse whispered to me that I would start feeling a little groggy soon ... and within seconds I could feel myself slipping into another state. The last I remember was being in the surgery room and being asked if I could move to the bed next to me. I said yes. Then I remember someone saying something and I felt a mask go over my mouth and nose. I slipped off into another state at that point and when I woke up I was still in the operating room and I saw my surgeon and asked her "are you going to start soon?" She smiled and said, "we're all done!"

Prior to going into surgery my doctor met with me to discuss the plan and what the next steps would be. I am so fortunate to have such a skilled, knowledgeable and extremely compassionate surgeon ... and one, who on a personal level, is in a similar situation as I am with being high risk for breast cancer. She understands the stress of "waiting" and taking the route of close surveillance. She understands what it feels like to be a ticking time bomb. And she said she doesn't even have atypical ductal hyperplasia/borderline DCIS ... just the other high risk factors of genetics. I have been taking the close surveillance route for a year and a half now. Two previous lumpectomies have revealed at a microscopic level that I have pre-cancer cells and the last surgery on 12/09 reveal they are now borderline cancer. So what will this surgery reveal? My doctor tells me that the pathology report could very well come back benign and that, to be honest, could be the hardest result because it puts me back with "what do I do now?" She says it's very likely that my breast have a lot of pre-cancer cells (atypical hyperplasia) ... the doctor in Mayo concurred. The past year and a half have been rough waters ... and has felt like water thrashing against rocks like this photo I took of the Minnehaha falls close to our home.

With the two surgeries in 2009 both my surgeon and my doctor at Mayo say I was "lucky" that they took out sites that revealed these pre-cancer cells. If the report comes back benign she said it's very possible they didn't get the site that has pre-cancer cells. Then again, in my mind, it's possible that these abnormal, pre-cancer cells have started healing ... My doctor understands that a benign pathology report may actually be the hardest result to have ... and she is right. The limbo, uncertainty, waiting and wondering state has been hard on me this past year and a half. If it comes back with what i've had in 2009 showing atypical ductal hyperplasia and borderline DCIS that may be enough for me to consider a double mastectomy ... then again, can I calm my mind down and wait 6 months to see what happens? If it comes back with contained cancer, the decision is much easier for me -- a lumpectomy and radiation, or a double mastectomy. If it's invasive cancer ... well, that's a bridge i'll cross if I have to when I find out!

So this morning I journaled about the possible outcomes and the possible options ... My surgeon said to call her office Wednesday afternoon and she will try to track down the pathology report. Worst case, I figure i'll know the results by Thursday. While journaling this morning I wrote down that I have 3 options: a) close surveillance, b) tamoxifen (a drug I would need to take for 5 years but has some serious side effects but could reverse atypia), c) double mastectomy.

As I journaled more I realized ... No, I don't just have 3 options. I need to not focus on the thrashing water, but the beautiful flower that's right in front of me! Part of what has been hard has been feeling like so much is out of my control .. close surveillance alone feels like I'm waiting for the cancer bomb to explode and there's nothing I can do. There are are many things I can do, and to be honest, I have been doing yet why is it that I have felt like the only viable options are what western medicine tells me. I have been seeing the most incredible healer, a cranial sacral therapist, and she has been extremely helpful and healing for me on so many levels. I have met with a holistic doctor (also an M.D) and naturopath and have worked with my acupuncturist. I have also changed my diet in a effort to starve any potential cancer cells in my body. I have a lot of other healing tools at my disposal ... writing, meditation, visualization, prayer, and opening up my heart ... and my dreams have been such a blessing and guide for me over the years. I was going through my blog which has been a wonderful way for me to document my journey ... In my January 9, 2010 post I blog about the signs I have been receiving both in my dream state and my conscious state. In January I was still losing weight, feeling fatigued and unable to digest fats ... my GI doctor couldn't figure out what was causing my symptoms. On 1/3/10 I had a dream where my father appears in it (and this is the first time he has ever appeared in my dream) and I write about it in my 1/9 blog post. Essentially, he tells me it's my pancreas ... and in February after a multitude of tests and procedures, my GI doctor officially diagnoses me with pancreatic insufficiency. Somehow, my pancreas stopped functioning normally and has lost its ability to produce the enzyme lipase necessary to digest fats ... hence the symptoms and massive weight loss (35 pounds in one year).

In February, 2010 my work takes me to Bloomington, Indiana where my mom and dad met while they were graduate students at Indiana University. It's my first time to Bloomington, IN. I spend just 24 hours there (and one night).

In my February 3, 2010 post I write about how I am welcomed into Bloomington, Indiana by a red-tail hawk.

On February 15, 2010 I blog about how my 24 hour stay and how in a 24 hour period 3 red-tail hawks appear to me ... and how the number '613' shows up in my waking state ... being the room I am in and also the license plate on my rental car. I research the symbolic meaning of 613 and learn some very interesting things and its symbolic meaning from a spiritual perspective. Shortly after returning home I had a dream about a white hawk that appears with this elder that has been appearing in my dreams ...  From my February 18, 2010 blog post:

"The other night I had a dream where the man with white hair appeared again. This time as an American Indian elder wearing a gold buckskin fringe coat. In my dream was the woman who has previously appeared in my dream saying, "God is always with you. He is always in your heart." And in this dream, she summons the elder and she hands him a white hawk. The elder is summoned to set the hawk free. He sets the hawk free and the hawk soars into the skies with wings spread wide open ... a magnificent sight ... the hawk circles back and lands on a table near the woman and the elder. The hawk appears injured. The hawk takes a deep breath and with one last sigh, surrenders and dies peacefully."

And interestingly, as I go through my journals I find a poem I wrote on June 13, 2006 about dreams:

"Dreams sprinkle dust of past, present, and future -

in the mixing

sometimes bridges form

sometimes tunnels form

sometimes galaxies form,

but you can't see it from where you stand

it just looks like a cloud of dust

but from a heavenly distance,

you notice, it's the Milky Galaxy."

- Marilou Chanrasmi (6/13/06)

I learn of the association of the number '613' with the fruit pomegranate and how pomegranate symbolizes unity or nourishment of the soul. The next morning (while I'm in Bloomington) for breakfast the only green tea available for me is green tea with pomegranate. I never even knew such a tea existed. That one night while I was in Bloomington, Indiana I also had a dream that, to be honest, I was afraid to share or write about ... in that dream, I died. Someone (some male presence or energy) had injected me with some liquid or fluid in my right ankle and I felt it spreading throughout my body. In my 1/3/2010 dream where my father appeared to me he told me 3 things: the first I am unable to remember, the second thing he told me was that I had pancreatic cancer ... that I had a very small tumor but it was an aggressive cancer, and the third thing he told me was that I had bacteria and virus spreading through my body. Was the "fluid" the bacteria/virus? At first I was overcome with fear ... fear of dying. Then in my final moments, an acceptance came over me and I felt this calm, light and peace fill my body. In my dream I died and it was one of the most beautiful, peaceful experiences I had ever had.

There's no doubt my father is trying to communicate with  me. My GI doctor believes that even though my father was officially diagnosed with cirrhosis in 1968 when he died, that since he did not drink that it was most likely some form of liver cancer ... he said there's so much more they know now than they did back in 1968. My GI doctor is happy that the pancreatic enzymes I am taking are working (as am I!) but tells me that pancreatic insufficiency could be a very early sign of cancer so to please be very aware of symptoms and to pay close attention to my body (which I think I do).

So ... now as I wait for the pathology report to come in from this most recent round of surgery I am looking beyond and reaching back to dreams and spiritual guides ... I am being asked to pay attention and to listen, truly listen to my body and to my spirit. God has sent me angels as well ... in animals (dogs and dolphins!) and in people ... I have the love and support of my partner Mary and have the most incredible, loving friends in my life for which I am grateful beyond words. I don't just have the 3 options of close surveillance, tamoxifen and a double mastectomy. I have a lot more options and there is so much more I can do to complement close surveillance if the report comes back benign or atypical ductal hyperplasia/borderline cancer.

The hawk appeared to be 3 times in Bloomington, Indiana for a reason. And to dream about a hawk, along with this elder, who has appeared in my dream several times ... is another sign to me to pay attention to the hawk.

The following I found off of the following site ... and really resonates/speaks to me:

"The Hawk represents a messenger in the Native American culture. It often shows up in our life when we need to pay attention to the subtle messages found around us, and from those we come into contact with. As with all messages received, it is important to recognise the messages underlying truth. We will be taught to be observant and also pay attention to what we may overlook....

A Red tailed Hawk is special. It will ALWAYS be with you, for life. It has direct ties to the Kundalini, the seat of primal life force. It is linked to the base chakra. If you have this power animal, you need to be aware of and work toward fulfilling your soul's destiny. It reflects far greater intensity of energy within your life: physically, emotionally and mentally. Spiritual forces will be felt strong within you.

One trait all hawks share, is the ability to move between the seen and unseen realms gracefully, joining both worlds together. Their acute vision attributes this ability, their discriminating nature keeps them out of dangers path. Hawks have a broad vision, allowing them to see what the future holds. In man this is a symbol of prophetic insight. If this gift is underdeveloped, it is common for people with this power animal to have a tendency of over analysing everything. When this is so, clear vision is lost. You must learn to keep your analytical mind under control, not allowing it to run wild.

The destiny of man is to awaken from their spiritual amnesia and to realign with the original intention of their soul. When the hawk gets a hold of us in his powerful talons, we will be asked to evaluate who we have become and to shatter our self created illusions. This will help our inner truth to come out into the open and for it to shine.

Hawk denotes union with All That Is. The hawk is a bird of the heavens, arranging the changes necessary to prompt our spiritual growth. Having this power animal can be bitter sweet. When accepting its presence in your life, you will be asked to surrender/give up anything that doesn't honour the integrity of all life. Whether its an idea, feeling or action. Although hard work is involved, the rewards to be reaped are great, far outweighing this."

I am on some kind of a journey ... that much I know. I have a choice on how I want to walk this journey. .... who do I walk with? what do I carry and keep with me? what do I let go of? what path do I take? And like the hawk that can move between the unseen and the seen realms .. between dream and conscious states of being ... can I have the fluidity, faith, and trust and wisdom to know when it's time to hold on and when it's time to let go?

For now, I am grateful for my blessings and for the gift of life and energy that fills my heart and soul. I am grateful because I feel so loved ... and in the end, really truly ... the best medicine is LOVE!

Ticking time bomb on a roller coaster

How do I describe the past year and half of health issues ... my partner and I just came back from meeting with my surgeon to discuss the growing lump in my breast. She used the words "ticking time bomb!" There's no question, she said, that cells in my breast have started going awry (the technical term "atypical hyperplasia"). We got lucky in finding them in two previous surgeries. There's probably more in my breast, she says. My head is spinning as she goes over so much information and my heart is about ready to explode ... something in my gut is telling me that something is going on in my body at a cellular level. She checks the growing lump in my breast and is thinking that the growth and swelling is a result of the hematoma from my recent MRI guided biopsy. She initially was recommending that we just continue to monitor it and that I could come back in 2-3 months and she could check the lump again, then another MRI in 5 months as Mayo recommended.

My heart stops. Can I go through another 2-3 months when something in my gut is telling me to remove this growing lump in my breast? Am I overreacting? Is it just the swelling from the hematoma? Or are they the atypical cells from 2009 that have now progressed to cancer? My head is saying, I need to trust my doctor, she has never led me astray. She's never made a mistake before, and I tell her that. But what if this one time when we choose not to remove a palpable mass that it turns out to be the one time that I should've listened to my gut and had it removed? Most of the time atypical cells progress to non-invasive cancer before they progress to invasive cancer ... but as my doctor at Mayo told me, that's not always the case. I fell into the less than 1% of patients that have hematoma complications during MRI-guided biopsies. What if I'm in the minority again ...

My partner Mary can see I am on the verge of tears as I fight desperately to hold it together. She puts her hand on my back and I just break down. For the first time I understand the utter fear that women carry when they are told they are at high risk of getting cancer and the choice they make of a double mastectomy. I am at extremely high risk (actually, I'm already borderline cancer) of getting cancer because my cells have already started acting the way cancer cells do .. there just isn't "sufficient quantity" yet from my 12/09 pathology report. I don't want to be another cancer statistic. My mother told me that my Papa said to her on his death bed, "I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you and the kids." I will accept death when it is my time to go, but right now, I feel like my body is giving me sign and signals with these lumps and I can't disregard them. And to be honest, there's so much more I want to do and experience in this earthly existence.

I have never cried in a doctor's office. I have always been able to "hold it together." I have known my surgeon for almost 10 years. She has performed 3 surgeries on me ... once to remove half my thyroid in 2001 and in 2009 for my two lumpectomies. This is the first time she has seen me "break down." I guess it's okay to show that human side. She too is high-risk for breast cancer and shares her story. She spends an hour and a half with us and reassures me that whatever decision I make is okay. If removing the lump and having it biopsied is what I need to do to give me some peace then that's what I need to do. She tells me to think about what feels right for me. Mary and I go out to lunch and talk about it some more. My gut keeps telling me that this growth that has doubled in size needs to come out. And if it ends up being benign, then great ... if it ends up showing atypia/pre-cancer cells, or even cancer cells, then at least I will know what I am dealing with and can make decisions. Over lunch we decide that I need to have the lump removed.

I love my surgeon and I trust her wholeheartedly. As she left the room, she asked if she could give me a hug. In the 10 years I have known her that's the first time I have ever hugged my doctor. I could feel like she really understood my fear ... and when she asked if I felt like a ticking time bomb, I nodded. She probably feels the same way. And often I feel like a ticking time bomb riding on a roller coaster.

So I am going to have the lump removed on Monday, 10/4. I decide to listen to my gut. I am grateful to have my partner Mary and all my wonderful friends walk with me on this scary journey. Thank you.

Choosing to Walk, to swim ... to live

So yesterday Mary and I met with my doctor at Mayo clinic and the surgeon. I wondered why my doctor still wanted me to meet with the surgeon since the pathology report from the MRI biopsy was benign, but she explained that I have two separate lesions: one that was seen on the MRI and the other that is palpable and was not seen from any of their imaging tests. It feels like the lesions/lumps I had back in 2009 where I ended up having two surgeries to remove them. The findings: atypical ductal hyperplasia (ADH) both in May of 2009 and then again in December of 2009. This week's biopsy confirmed that the new lesion that was visible on the MRI was benign. "We still need to monitor the palpable mass". Unfortunately due to a hematoma that had formed during the biopsy the surgeon wasn't able to feel the mass. I told her I would continue to monitor it and if it changes or continues to grow I will let her know. Apparently I was "lucky" in 2009 when a lump was formed around atypical cells (the stage where cells start going awry and showing abnormal behavior; the stage before they turn to what doctors call "cancer"). "Atypical cells normally don't cluster or form lumps", my doctor tells me. So twice in 2009 I was "lucky". I choose to view it as my body communicating loudly and clearly with me to stop, slow down, listen. "The problem", she goes on, "is that because atypia normally doesn't form clusters, there's no way to tell if there were more atypical cells in the area outside of what was excised. And the fact that on two separate surgeries, both found atypical cells, it means that the cells in your breast are changing and something is going on. We really need to be diligent and pay close attention."

So the plan and recommendation is a 6 month breast MRI followup to monitor changes and if the palpable mass grows, to come in sooner with the possibility of another surgical biopsy to remove it if it does not show up on imaging tests again. For now ... I have a 6 month 'break' from tests and procedures surround my breast "issues" :) unless the palpable mass changes ...  for now, I'm continuing with my choice of 'close surveillance'. Next month I have my 6 month followup with my GI doctor to check the status of my pancreas. He'll be happy to know the enzymes are working and that I'm no longer losing weight and I'm not feeling fatigued anymore.

I'm grateful for the break from medical tests and procedures ... I will continue to be proactive with my health in others ways ... working with my energy healer, my therapist, nutrition, exercise (bikram yoga, strength training, running), writing/journaling/blogging, meditation, massage ... and next week I also made an appointment to go back and see my naturopath. Mary and I have also said that we are going to return to WildQuest next year to swim with the wild dolphins! I personally still believe that that IS the best medicine!

I'm excited about how my life is unfolding. I'm excited about life. I'm excited about new adventures, new friendships, deeper love and connections ...

While walking on the beach last December  in Marco Island with my partner we saw this older couple walking out in the ocean. There was something so beautiful about it and I had to capture that moment with my camera. What a gift to have a life long partner .... today, I am grateful for Mary and for how she continues to show me that she is here for me, and she will walk by my side no matter what. And when we were in Bimini swimming with the dolphins we were often surrounded my moon jellies ... beautiful, hypnotic and mesmerizing. They would also sting. It didn't hurt too much, at least most of the time, but to me they are like the lumps that cluster around atypical cells in my breast, the digestive challenges i've had with my pancreas ... they are reminding me to pay attention and to listen to my body.

The truth is ... we all don't know how much time we have here on earth. What we do have a choice about is how we choose to live our life and every moment. And I am choosing to dive head first into the deep blue ocean because who knows ..... I bet there are a million miracles lying below the surface!! :) And I don't want to miss out on being a witness to the wonders around us, every second, every moment. I also need to remind myself to simply stop and slow down and to look around me. There's beauty and life right next to me. And the little girl in me has this fantasy ... if it's it not so good, maybe if I touch it, it will turn to gold. The little girl in me wants to be loved and she wants to play ... well, I think it's time I let her out to play!

For all you following my blog and walking with me on my journey ... thank you.

Namaste.