Ahnung - A Legacy of Love ... honoring and celebrating an amazing spirit ...

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This morning, my sweet girl woke me up with a very intentional scratch on the bedroom door. She let out a small yelp as she walked up the steps. I noticed her belly looked very distended. I hoped, like earlier this year, that she had just gotten into some food and just had a very BIG, bloated belly. I thought maybe her back was bothering her so I gave her an early dose of rimadyl then gave her some raw meat with her tramadol and gabapentin. As I continued to watch her it was clear she was not her usual self. After going potty she immediately came inside and went to lay by the healing river rocks. When Legacy tried to get her to play she declined ... then 20 minutes later she vomited. Something was not right with my girl. I immediately called Lake Harriet Vet and was told to bring her in right away. I left her there for a couple hours so they could get x-rays. X-rays were done of her abdomen area and her chest. X-rays confirmed that her lungs are filled with tumors. The doctor compared her x-rays with her previous x-rays. The tumors were now golf-ball sized and there were 7 large golf ball size tumors in her lungs (not to even mention the many other small tumors). Her abdomen also showed it was filled with fluid and there was a large mass in the area where her kidney should be. It was most likely another cancer tumor. Her belly is bloated and filled with fluid. My vet at Lake Harriet called over to Blue Pearl and sent over all the x-rays and had a conversation with the oncologist, Dr. Schmidt. We headed over the Blue Pearl in Eden Prairie. When we walked in one of the vet techs greeted us and said she was surprised at how great Ahnung looked :) Her tail was wagging and she still had that nung-nung sparkle in her eye :) They had seen the x-rays that were sent over and based on what they saw they envisioned bringing Ahnung in on a stretcher ... but no, not my nung-nung :)

A 5K-9 walk with my girl in 2010

The oncologist spent a long time with us .... it is clear we are in the final stretch of this amazing walk we have had. I look into Ahnung's eyes and I know she is not ready to go today. The sparkle is still in her eyes, her tail still wags, she still perks up for treats .... There is significant fluid in her abdomen but the oncologist said it doesn't appear to be causing her any discomfort. She still doesn't have any trouble with her breathing despite the massive size tumors in her lungs. The oncologist says it could be days, it could be weeks, maybe even longer. We don't know if the fluid has been slowly building up or her body just said enough. She told us the next few days would tell us more. She recommended increasing her tramadol ... as we have both learned in our volunteer work in hospice, it is now about pain management and comfort. Her temperature is normal, her heart sounds good .. quite frankly, the oncologist said Ahnung is doing amazingly well considering what the x-rays show.  The oncologist said it's also possible Ahnung may just pass her in her sleep. To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if she did that ... I have always imagined my sweet girl living life fully all the way until the very end.

I know the time is approaching. It will soon be her time to move on to her next job ... when it is time for her to move on, she will let me know.

Hanging out at a coffee shop this morning

Dear Ahnung, I promise to listen to your heart and to your spirit and your soul. I promise to do all I can do to keep you comfortable and free from pain, and when you tell me it is time to set your spirit free, I promise to hold you, kiss you and wrap your essence and your being around me, and to let you go. I have been blessed to have you in my life .... and as we approach what appears to be the end of this Final Walk, I will imagine that when we get to that cliff, a community of people who love you dearly will set your spirit free and you will soar into the heavens. I am grateful today is not that day ... and I will cherish every moment left that I have with you.

We had originally planned to have a 3rd Celebration of Life party for Ahnung on September 29th ... well, we are moving up her big party to this Sunday, August 23, 2013. My dear friend Merry will once again lead a healing prayer circle. Ahnung has returned every morning to lay by the healing river rocks ... my hope is that with renewed energy and prayers from a community of friends who love and support her that I will blessed to have her for weeks, even months to come ... Please join us for her party on Sunday, August 23rd at 3 pm at the Animal Humane Society in Golden Valley (we will be in the large auditorium by the adoption center).

Ahnung's 2nd Celebration of Life Party!

On Sunday, April 7th, 2013 I was blessed to once again be celebrating Ahnung, in community with so many friends. This amazing spirit had her first Celebration of Life party a year ago on April 22, 2012 after she underwent radical surgery to remove a large tumor on her neck/back which confirmed a diagnosis of a second cancer. We were told she had a rare and very aggressive cancer, invasive adenosquamous carcinoma. Not knowing how much time we had left we decided to have a Celebration of Life party for her! At the end of November (2012) we learned her cancer had metastasized to her lungs and we started low dose chemo. At the end of December we learned the largest tumor in her lungs had grown 30% despite the chemo and after some deep reflection, we opted to stop chemo and simply enjoy our final walk and whatever remaining time we have left. The largest tumor in her lungs continues to grow and as of March it is now 4 cm. Yet despite the numerous tumors in her lungs she continues to be filled with life, spunk and spirit and is displaying no symptoms. On occasion she will get a little short of breath but 95% of the time is wanting to tear around the house and the back yard with her younger brother Legacy. With two luxating patellas and arthritis in her back my sweet girl is often dismayed when I put a stop to her rowdy play with her little brother.

So on Sunday, we returned to the exact same place where we held her first Celebration of Life party. Since her first celebration, Ahnung has  continued to return and rest by the healing river rocks that we took home from party last year. The healing prayer circle and the blessings of the river rocks filled the room with incredible love and healing. We brought the basket of river rocks back this year and Merry Sawdey, our dear friend who led the healing prayer circle last year (and again this year), added more rocks to the basket. This year we also received an incredible gift from Karen Good from Red Lake Reservation, Ahnung's rescuer. Karen sent us the four sacred plants ... gift of the Four Manido (Spirits of the Four Directions) to be used in our Celebration of Life party. When we are born, life begins in the east. The teenage years are in the south. The mid-life is in the West. When we reach the north we are ready to go into the spirit world .. the journey does not end as we go into the Spirit World and the cycle continues. "Ceremony is an essential part of traditional Native healing. Because physical and spiritual health are intimately connected, body and spirit must heal together" (from Native Voices). 

Merry led us through an incredibly beautiful and moving healing prayer circle:

East: tobacco

From the east, we invite the creator to be with us, to bring the light of dawn, to illuminate the places in us that need freshening and new birth. May our hearts and minds be clear and loving. 

South: Cedar

From the south, may this time and place be blessed. May we have courage and stamina. May we be renewed. May we feel gratitude and joy as we go about our ordinary lives. May we offer our gifts wholeheartedly. 

West: Sage

From the west, may we find the help, resources, creativity, and energy we need. May we accept what needs to be accepted and let go of what needs to be let go. May we be in community, aware of our love for others and for their love for us.

North: Sweet grass

From the north, may our mind, body, and spirit find strength, love, and joy. May we see light in the darkness, joy in the sadness. May we be and may we find love, companionship, and light. May we be and may we find companions and helpers on the way. May we find rest and may we give rest. May we listen. May we listen. May we listen.

We were blessed to have a beautiful Sunday afternoon for Ahnung's 2nd Celebration of Life party. Around 50 people came to honor and celebrate Ahnung, including a couple of Ahnung's friends from facebook whom neither of us had ever met in person. One new friend drove 2 hours to meet us and he shared with us how much we had made a difference in his life from our writing and our sharing. And He also gave us a card and a letter. What a gift and what courage for our new friend to open up his heart and to share tears ... as we met for the first time, face-to-face, I realized at that moment how truly, truly powerful community is; I realized at that moment that why I wanted to have another Celebration party was because I believe with all my heart that what is keeping Ahnung going, and what is keeping me going, with our shared health issues, is the love we have from such an incredibly, loving and supportive community; I also realized that each and every one of us is connected, and we can touch each other in deep and meaningful ways through our words, our actions, our intentions ... and often we have no idea ...

I have to share with you the most beautiful paragraph from our friend's letter: "Each of you is a gift individually and together you are even more. Both of you, on so many times, have broken my heart open and always in the most holy way. You have given me the gift of your stories. You have given me the gift of grace. You have helped me to listen to my life. You have given me courage. You have helped me heal. Your words have made my heart sing. You have filled me with love. You have walked with me. You too are sputniks, fellow travelers, companions along life's journey. And it is all the more sweet for being so for so long without knowing, I think ...."

Thank you "C" for your honesty, your strength, your courage and your presence in our lives.

I have been asked many times what made me start my blog. I started my blog for myself ... to write and to help myself heal. In writing I find myself returning to center; i find myself being grounded and rooted; and often through writing I am able to touch the deepest parts of myself. As I walk this Final Walk with Ahnung I have been challenged on so many levels to find peace and acceptance in a diagnosis that has ripped my hearts to shred. It is also two years ago this month when I learned of my rare heart condition ... one that comes with so many unknowns, a lot of uncertainty and eventual heart failure ... how much time I have left, is unknown. The reality though, is we all don't know how much time we have left. What I do know is that I cherish every morning I wake up .. it is a gift to be alive and it is a gift to fall asleep to the snoring and rhythmic deep breathing of Ahnung. On Friday I go in for another MRI .. a new lump and more uncertainty. As I write this blog I hear my sweet Ahnung breathing deeply. Her breath, her presence, her being touches my soul and gives me comfort. We are okay. We are both okay.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but what I do know is that the life I live right now, in this moment, is the most blessed life .... and I will continue to hold on tightly to Ahnung, my north star, and we will walk this Final Walk, with a huge community around us ... and we will walk with grace, dignity and joy. As Merry shared at Sunday's Celebration ... we don't know how this story will end. And until it's time for our story to close and transition, we will live life as fully as we can.

I am so grateful for everyone who came to Ahnung's Celebration of Life party. And a huge thanks to my friend Dorothy of Three Dog Photography for taking photos at the celebration and to my dear friend Terri for planning the party and ordering the most amazing cake!!

Ahnung's Celebration of Life

Photo credit: lmj {originals}

Last Sunday, April 22, 2012 I was blessed to have so many people come to celebrate my sweet Ahnung. What a beautiful Celebration of Life party for Ahnung, an incredibly wise, soulful being (whom I believe is angel among us and a northstar for many).

What a gift to have so many come ... special thanks to Lisa Jaster of lmj {originals} for taking photos that captured the essence of the celebration and to Merry Sawdey, Spiritual Director at Sacred Ground of St. Paul, for leading a healing/prayer circle. I chose to make a video sharing photos of Ahnung rather than talk for fear of not being able to hold myself together -- I was right. I got up to welcome everyone for coming and I felt this shooting pain in my heart. The tears started to flow. Yes, we were gathered to celebrate Ahnung and her life, yet the reality of her cancer was overwhelming. I was also so moved to have close to 50 people come to celebrate her life. After the short video, we gathered in a circle. I told Merry that Ahnung would do whatever Ahnung chooses to do. I have come to trust and listen to her wisdom. She weaved in and out of the circle, as if to greet and thank her friends for coming (and probably also to see if they had any treats!), and as Merry began to talk, she walked into the middle of the circle and plopped down a few feet in front of me. Maybe she could feel the pain in my heart. It was as if she was saying, "i'm here. It's okay."

Ahnung and Merry

Merry begins .... " ... Connect to the love in your heart for Ahnung and for Marilou. If you'd like, you can place your hand on  your heart ... We offer our gratitude for Ahnung: her stories, her experience, her warm and healing presence. She is the center of our circle today, the center of our hope for her healing and wholeness. She is also our leader who leads us outward into the world and teaches us to partner with the animals to help other animals and people in need of healing and wholeness. Her name means "star" and she is our north star guiding us by her charm, her beauty and her love ..."

While Aaron (Merry's husband) passes 2 baskets around ... one contains river rocks and the other, stars ... meanwhile, the music "Bright Morning Stars" plays in the background. Merry asks us to choose one rock and hold onto it. As the basket of stars is passed around, she invites us to write the name of a beloved animal on it, living or having passed on, and then place it back in the basket .. "We honor their memory, remember them with love and deep affection, and also ask for their presence to help in this healing circle ..."

"Each person in this circle is wonderfully unique. Each of us brings gifts, strengths, and talents that bring something new and glorious into the world .... Hold your rock, name your gifts, and offer them as a blessing to Ahnung. At the end of the circle, we'll collect the rocks and leave them with Marilou and Ahnung to remind them of our love, gratitude, and wish for their healing and wholeness.


Hold your rock gently and imagine that the gifts we offer are a banquet of delicious food, toys, playtime, leisurely naps, walks and caresses that Ahnung can draw on as she needs to fuel and support her in her journey.


Imagine a long table with a beautiful cloth on it. Each gift is set on the table and offers itself appealingly and lovingly to Ahnung. The gifts remain available to her as long as she might need them, to use in any way that is helpful to her. We trust her to know exactly what she needs in her journey.


Bless the work of Ahnung's doctors and healers. We wish them wisdom, clarity, and grace as they do their work to bring physical healing to Ahnung ..."

I share with you the following video ... the first song contains photos celebrating the 3 beautiful years I have been blessed to share with Ahnung, and the second song contains photos from the Celebration of Life party (many, many thanks again to Lisa Jaster of lmj {original} for joining us, for loving Ahnung and for giving us the gift of your talent to capture Ahnung's big party!! :)

I continue to pray for many more moments with Ahnung.