The Unknown

The unknown can be a scary place. When the earth beneath our feet shakes, and we can't feel that solidness, that foundation, it can shift us from our center. But where is our center? Is it always in the same place? Is it in our body? Is it in our mind? Our heart? Is it everywhere? Nowhere?

I have a Pema Chodron calendar, and for the month of October I see the following saying every day, "Nothing is as solid as it seems". The quote rings true for me. The past months have come with losses .. endings. We said goodbye to my partner's beloved canine companion, Piper; we are walking Mister's final walk (well, he says it's a ride!). As cancer takes over his body and his bones, he continues to cherish and live life fully each day. He is an amazing teacher. Live today. Live in the moment. We are not defined by Cancer, by disease ... we can live in harmony with that which scares us. We can Run. We can Run until the very end. That is what I see when I look at my boy Mister. That is what my spirit dog Ahnung did. She ran and played up until the very end, and then when it was time to cross over and leave her body, she let me know.

The truth is, there is so much that is alive that we can't see. There is so much happening beyond our sight, and all the physical senses we rely on (smell, touch, hearing ...); beneath the earth, when snow covers the ground, there is life; there is rest; there is transformation. Our beloved companion canines don't fear death like humans do. I imagine most animals don't. They have been, and continue to be, my greatest teachers in life .. in my journey on earth.

Some day, it will be my time. My wish, my prayer is that I may walk the final days of my journey with just an ounce of grace and honor that I have witnessed in my beloved canine companions. Ahnung has been, and continues to be, my greatest teacher. The Ahnung Way, has become my Way of being. I trust her to watch over Mister; to guide me in whatever decisions and choices I need to make in the coming days/weeks/months; i trust Ahnung to infuse me with her wisdom, courage and openness.

The humanness in me, and the hurt and memories of childhood losses and feelings of abandonment, have made endings and goodbyes hard for me. Unbeknownst to me I spent many decades with a suit of armor around my body and around my heart. I have been learning and challenging myself to release and remove pieces of armor ... one by one. And I practice every day in my mind's eye, and in my heart, to trust the shakiness of the earth below my feet; that the stars in the night skies are behind the clouds; the falling into the abyss as a falling into a new world of possibilities. And i practice stillness and quiet, while running. I practice holding life and and death. I practice holding joy and sadness. I practice holding fear and courage. I practice holding everything and nothing.

Today, I practice noticing my boy Mister as he Lives, Loves and he Runs!!!