Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Listening. Connection. Signs.

Yesterday I took Mister in to my vet for chest X-rays. His lungs were covered with nodules. We had one last thread of hope to hang onto. We had sent out to a lab to see if he has a fungal disease blastomycese which could possibly be the cause for his bone degeneration and the nodules in the lungs. If the test came back negative for blasto my vet said, we can assume the nodules appearing in his chest X-ray is cancer and that his cancer has metastasized. Last night, I got the call from my vet. He was negative for blasto. The tests now confirmed what my gut has been telling me for about 6 weeks now. I was in
my car driving to Walgreens to pick up Mister's prescription for his pain meds when I got the call. My vet was kind, gentle, compassionate. I thanked him for his kindness and for the way he is in walking with us through this painful final walk. When I got off the phone, I could feel a tightness in my chest. And then the tears started to fall. My heart, once again, was feeling like it was being ripped apart. I could hear Ahnung .... I could feel Ahnung. Her presence helped me stay with the hurt, the pain, the grief.

Ahnung, and my Papa, have been my guides. I have had some significant health issues since 2009. I have learned to listen to my Papa  ... he has sent angels to watch over me and he has communicated with me through dreams. Ahnung came into my life at the end of 2008 when my health issues were just beginning ... the first of them was my pancreas. My journals and my blog have been a gift for me to return to .... It is my belief I am alive today because of Ahnung and my Papa. A dream I had in 2009 that I had cancer in my left breast is what alerted me to see my doctor, which then led me down a path of 7 surgeries to remove areas in my breast that contained atypical ductal hyperplasia and borderline DCIS. I have had more tests and procedures between 2009 and 2015; i have had doctors look at me with perplexed looks not knowing how to explain what was going on with me; i have had doctors in recent years not be able to explain how my body was not showing anymore abnormalities in tests, and how they just 'disappeared'.

In January, 2010 I was struggling with my health. I was losing weight and my pancreas had stopped producing lipase and doctors (both here in the cities and at Mayo) couldn't figure out what was going on. In January Ahnung had developed this weird looking growth on her ear. My vet said he had never seen anything like it. He sent me off to a veterinary dermatologist. A biopsy was done to remove it. A neighbor at that time was also an acupuncturist and she asked me if I could put words to what was going on in my body ... and I remember saying to her, "all i can say, is that it feels like the cells in my body are dying." The next day, I met with the vet/surgeon to go over the results of Ahnung's biopsy. She looked at me and said, I can't explain what it is. I have never seen anything like it. It could be some kind of immune disease. In looking at the cells all I can say is that she has cells that are dying." I chose not to put Ahnung on steroid treatment. In about 6 weeks the cauliflower looking growth on her ear just went away. My pancreas also began to produce lipase and I no longer needed to take the enzyme. During that time, I also distinctly remember a dream I had on Jan. 3, 2010. It was a dream where my Papa appeared. From my 1/3/2010 journal entry: "I woke up in the middle of the night to a dream where I was told I had pancreatic cancer. It was Papa speaking to me. I remember 3 levels of cancer or 3 areas where I had a tumor. The second area was a more aggressive cancer. I can sense the 3 levels in my head, and that they make up words. I just can't make them out right now .. i wish I could remember where the tumors are. The first two areas were tumors. The third was more of something like a virus or bacteria that then grew into a tumor or became a lump, and was spreading throughout my body ..."

Last Thursday (the same day I took Mister in to the vet and the reality that he may have bone cancer was revealed through X-rays) I also started to develop new symptoms. I have been doing great physically for the past couple years. My breast MRIs and my heart tests have been 'normal'. My surgeon and my cardiologist have been surprised at how great I have been doing, but very happy for me. My cardiologist (who I saw last October 2016) told me he didn't want to see me for 2 years unless I had new symptoms. I saw my surgeon last Wednesday, in fact. Normal physical exam and normal mammogram. I asked her if I could relax about this breast cancer stuff :). She responded to me, I can't explain how your recent tests have been all normal, but you are still at very high risk of getting breast cancer. We need to keep monitoring you closely. You haven't had an MRI since 2015 so I agreed to have another MRI in 6 months.

So as this final walk with my beloved Mister has begun, it is interesting I have also developed new symptoms. Since last Thursday I have had this rash over my heart. It doesn't itch. I kept thinking it would just go away. It hasn't. And over the weekend it started to feel like it was burning. And my joints started to hurt, but it was just my right side. My gut was telling me something is going on, but I didn't want to listen. I wanted to be able to focus my energy on Mister. Yet I kept hear Ahnung speak to me. Yesterday, after dropping Mister off at the vet, I went to see my doctor. My doctor (my regular doctor wasn't working yesterday, so I saw a different doctor) looked at it and had this very perplexed look. She said she hasn't seen anything like it. She first thought it might be shingles but then she said I don't know. She asked if it was alright for her to have some colleagues (other doctors) come to take a look. So, once again, I have stumped doctors. The other doctors were also stumped. Since I have heart problems they went ahead and did an EKG which was normal. Even though they don't really know what it is, and the rash doesn't look like a typical shingles rash and I am not having the typical symptoms, they are treating it as suspected shingles, so I am on anti viral medicine. I go in Thursday for a complete lab work and will see my regular doctor on Friday. Once again, I am having this feeling like there is something going on at a cellular level. I can't explain it. I just know something is going on in my body.

I believe my Papa has sent me angels in the bodies of furry four legged dogs. Mister has come into my life to bring Joy. He makes me laugh; he makes me smile; he is my goofy boy who lives life fully each and every day. Is it another coincidence new health issues have surfaced right when I learn Mister has bone cancer? My gut says no. My gut says, there is a reason all of this is happening. I don't know why but I know I have to trust this journey. I have to trust my Papa. I have to trust Ahnung. I also know I am committed to being here for Mister and ensuring whatever time he has left on this precious Earth will be filled with joy ..... I also know I must listen to what my body is telling me and to not ignore them. In meditation this morning, my dream from 1/3/10 kept appearing ... I could hear my Papa's voice once again telling me there is a virus (or bacteria) spreading throughout my body ... This morning in meditation the image of my Papa telling my mom on the afternoon he died, "The light. The light. The beautiful light ..." ... and I imagine an amazing peace on my Papa's face. Today, I see the light appearing in the distance. I see Mister prancing in an open field ... the light is off in the distant right now. I know the light will come closer .. and when I see Mister's gaze move towards the light, I will know that it is time. And Mister, when that time comes, I will run with you across the fields towards the light. On the other side of the light, will be my Papa, Ahnung, Shen, Shadow, Pipey.

Today, I promise to be here for you sweet boy. Today, I promise to also listen to my own body. Today, I pray for another sunset with you.

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