Returning ....

Spring has arrived in Minnesota, yet the image that calls to me is an image i took several winters ago in my front yard. I've taken a hiatus from writing on my blog. At times I've been hard on myself for not writing .... a voice inside of me kept telling me i needed to start writing again. Not just morning journaling. I needed to write for my blog. Reflection writing. It has been a gift for myself to be able to go back through my blog and read my stories, my reflections, and even the heartache as I went through what has been my most painful loss in my adult life ... losing my Ahnung; my soul; my heart. I needed to write to let out all that was inside of me; i needed to write to heal myself; i needed to write to give words to the messages my Ahnung was sending to me; writing was as essential to my survival as air was.

Tonight as I was hiking with my dog Ishka (my bridge to Ahnung) I could feel the spirit and the energy of Ahnung flow through me. I feel her every day. August 25, 2017 will mark 4 years since i held my sweet girl as her spirit was set free. It has been a journey. An amazing journey as I have discovered places inside my heart i never knew existed; as I have experienced laughter again, and almost 8 months ago met the love my life. It was, and still is, terrifying to open up my heart completely and fully, to another human being; to let her in ...to risk being hurt, and to be vulnerable. But I believe Ahnung brought us together.  She tells me, there is more to my story ....

In my hiatus from blogging, I continued to practice 2 simple things that have kept me sane and grounded for decades ... meditation and journaling. Last January (2016) I got myself a personal trainer. I needed a boost to get myself going. After my diagnosis with my heart condition I was hesitant to workout. I realized I did not feel good physically. I was using my heart condition as an excuse to not workout ... my cardiologist never told me don't exercise; he simply said to refrain from high intensity sports as I was at higher risk of sudden cardiac arrest. I made a decision to get my physical health back ... in my first session with my trainer when he asked me what my goals were I said, I just want to feel better. No weight goal. I said, I am tired of feeling crappy, of feeling tired and low energy .. i just want to feel good. I was committed to a lifestyle change, not short term fixes. A year and a half later, I can honestly say I have never felt better physically. Every day I run or walk. It is my way of grounding, of releasing stress, of connecting to Ahnung, to the wise spirits that are around us .... to noticing the miracles of life present in so many ways.

So I have no idea where my blogging will go ... what stories, what journey, what reflections ...

I wrote and blogged almost every day while I was going through some of my deepest and darkest moments. Truth is ... I am happy now, most of the time (yup, not all the time! If i said I was you would know I am in denial!) ...  my heart still aches and misses Ahnung. She was right though .. there would come a time when the piercing pain right through my heart would ease, but I had to allow myself to feel the pain ...

So nothing profound in this blog as I return from a long hiatus .... I decided to just type away. Sometimes you need to just get started, so that's what I am doing.

And I end with a photo of our fur family .... we now have 5 beautiful pups ... (from left to right: Missy, Legacy, Mister, Ishka, Piper ... and above them, spirit dog Ahnung) ... ages are 12 yrs, 6 yrs, 10 yrs, 4 yrs and 16 yrs old!!!