Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Grounding myself ... the ebbs and flows of grief

It has been a challenge for me over the past month to be with my grief, with raw, gut-wrenching pain and the feeling of heaviness and darkness wrapped around my heart ... squeezing and squeezing till it feels like my heart can't take anymore -- that I will simply die from the hurt, that my heart will explode, that I will never emerge from this darkness. I have been blessed to feel more moments of relief, but in a heart beat it seems like I can slip right back into the abyss.

I want my heart to remain soft and supple even though my instinctive way of dealing with hurt and loss is to harden my heart and to put yet another layer of protection. How do I deal with the hurt and the pain of feeling like I am simply being erased from the life of someone whom I loved, and still love, so deeply? How do I fill my heart with love, not anger or bitterness or even regret? How do I embrace the grief and the memories that burn my flesh?

I remind myself that all of life is a cycle ... the beauty of the four seasons here in Minnesota remind me of  the cycle of life, and death ... of light and darkness, of cold and warmth. Winter is here with a vengeance and it's time for me to rest and to nurture myself. I've been so overwrought with grief, working hard to engage in small activities to simply feel moments of relief. My health continues to be uncertain with many upcoming tests and procedures in the horizon. I have postponed health appointments because I can't take anymore at this time trying to find a place to live so I can bring my 3 dogs ... but I close on my new home on January 14th and in less than a month I will continue in my journey of making a new physical structure feel like a home for me and for my dogs Ahnung, Missy and Mister.  I am leaning on friends, family, faith and my animals as I move through this painful transition. With ever step forward I visualize grounding myself deeper and extending my roots ...

2011 is around the corner and I don't know what the year will bring for me ... I stumbled across this quote and feel like it is just what I needed to read this morning:

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel
for our journey.
~Kenji Miyazawa

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