Monday, December 20, 2010

After a While

I was supposed to head down to Mayo today for a day of test and procedures for my pancreas ... I opted to re-schedule with the snow heading our way and instead decided to spend the day packing. Today is also the 42nd death anniversary of my Papa. I feel him with me ... I feel him carrying me and holding my hand and giving me the strength I need to move on to the next stage in my life's journey ...

As I was packing and going through closets and my belongings, sifting through what is mine, what needs to be packed, etc ... I stumbled across a framed poem that I purchased at some point in my past ... must've been another ending of a relationship .... how appropriate for me to stumble across it today as I'm packing because today, for the first time ever, I feel like I am turning the corner. After a month of feeling extremely raw and at times where I feel like I can't bear the pain, I am finally able to feel hope, lightness, relief and confidence that I can move on ... that I will learn and grow from this ... and that I will not only survive but thrive ...

After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
And you being to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn 
with every goodbye you learn ....

and through this painful transition in my life I have also learned more than anything that I can lean on my friends and family, on my faith, on my animals, on my support network, and that I don't have to go through this alone ... because the truth is ... I am never alone. I am also learning to trust my gut and to listen to that inner voice deep within me that has been aching to come out and be heard ... and so with this painful goodbye, I both step forward and I step inward ... trusting in whatever journey I am meant to walk ...

"Heed the small voice that so seldom leads us wrong, 
and never into folly"
~ Marquis du Defand

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