The Four Star Movement

Masaka, Misu, Muraca and Micco
amidst all their toys!

My tears finally started to slow down yesterday. On Tuesday I could barely open my eyes, then later in the day I got a text from Heidi, " ... today has been rough seeing all their toys out in the yard but no one there to play with them. And I haven't got it in me yet to put away the puppy living quarters downstairs. I never thought I would say I miss the smell of four stinky puppies as I walk downstairs ...". The tears, once again, started to flow. Yesterday morning I woke up more rested after having a good night's sleep. As I took time in the morning as I always do to meditate, reflect and write I realized that transformation HAS to come out of this tragedy. In the midst of incredible pain there was light ... the light of love, kindness and compassion was shining brightly all around the puppies. I believe with all my heart, that they came to us for a reason. I believe they were meant to be the first transport for Jill, Erica and Kristen of Pause for Paws, three amazing women who started a non-profit to help raise money for animal welfare organizations. I believe they were meant to have the best 9 days possible at Heidi's home. I believe they were meant to wiggle into every open crevice and crack of our heart, and to even shred our heart into a million pieces. In our pain, we will see that we are not alone. And in our pain, we will be inspired to act and explore and transform a status quo that is no longer okay. In our pain, we will build an even stronger community and we will open our hearts up even more, not only for these precious animals who bring us together, but for each other.

Muraca (white moon) basking
in the sun

Yesterday afternoon I get a call from Jenny. She tells me to check the Animal Humane Society website. We always go there to check and see if the animals we have brought in from Leech Lake Reservation are up on their website and up for adoption. I'm parked at the post office and with my phone go to the AHS adoptable dog website. I scrolled down and when I get to the letter M, my heart skips a beat. I see a puppy on their website, her name 'Micco' and in parenthesis 'chief'. For a split second I am lost in a different world and thought they came back to life, then I realize, 'no Marilou, you were there with them, holding them, as they crossed over rainbow bridge.' I keep scrolling ... there are 4 other puppies 'Misu (rippling brook)', 'Masaka (strong)', 'Muraca (white moon)', and Memory. Then it hits me: AHS must have named these pups in memory of the ones we lost to parvo. Tears once again start to fall. I call Jenny back and she tells me Lynn called her to let her know that they got a litter of 5 puppies in that were ready to go up to the adoption floor. The Golden Valley AHS site manager Anne Johnson approached Lynn and asked, 'Can we name these pups in honor of the parvo pups?' They have 5 puppies, so they creatively name the fifth pup 'Memory.' Jenny tells me that Lynn called her because she didn't want to call me and make me cry again :) Well Lynn, it didn't work!! The tears started flowing again. I am moved and touched by the gesture of compassion shown by the staff at AHS. What an incredible tribute to the Misu, Masaka, Muraca and Micco. And what a powerful message you have also sent  .... We are not alone. We are in this together. We are so much stronger when we stand together and lean on each other.

So the spirit of Micco, Misa, Masaka and Muraca will live on in the bodies of these 4 pups now up for adoption through AHS, and they even have Memory the fifth pup making sure their memory and spirit lives on!

Heidi shared with me photos. You can visit my flickr site to see what a great 9 days these pups had with Heidi.

Yesterday morning, I posted the following on my facebook wall ... I am looking to create a program, the Four Star Movement, which will bring a community together so that there will come a day when the ending of the story for these beautiful four puppies will be a very different one ... 

Are you a rule breaker and when faced with a challenge or painful situation look to build bridges rather than point fingers or put up walls? Do you think outside the box more than inside the box? Do you believe that anything is possible? Do you believe that there is good at the core of every being? If you answered ‘yes’ to these 4 questions I want to hear from you. I’m looking for volunteers willing to join me in the creation of a program which will fall under Leech Lake Legacy or MnPAW, and will be in memory of Micco, Masaka, Muraca and Misu (The Four Stars)… 4 beautiful pups we lost to parvo on Monday who are bright new stars in the night skies. I have ideas brewing in my head and want to brainstorm and network with others who share my passion and belief. These four stars will continue to live on and their light will shine on brightly. Email me at mchanrasmi@gmail.com if you want to join me in the Four Star Movement.

Micco (chief)

" ... Wisdom is often born in the shadows, frequently more visible in the darkness than in the light ... we must move into darker places if we are to find the wisdom we so desperately need. We rarely go there willingly, though every life contains its own cycles of grief and celebration. To meet wisdom in these dark places we must be willing and able to hold all of what life gives us, exclude nothing of ourselves to the world, to tell ourselves the truth. Wisdom will stretch us far beyond where we thought we could or wanted to go. She will show us what we cannot change or control, reveal what is hard to know about ourselves and the world, and tear at the illusions of what we think we know, until we are surrounded by the vastness of the mystery ... And all the while, wisdom asks us to choose life.  She does not want us to just continue, to hang on, to survive. She asks us to experience life actively, fully, every day -- to show up for all of it." ~ Oriah

Four new bright stars: Micco, Masaka, Muraca, Misu

Micco (Chief)

I took yesterday off from work (my paying job that is) so I could spend the day working on MnPAW (Minnesota Partnership Animal Welfare) work. A gorgeous spring like day in March … this time last year I would never imagined I would be opening my windows to let a breeze come through … no, not here in Minnesota. My day began in its usual way, and up until noon everything seemed to be progressing as planned. Then shortly before noon I got a call from Jenny, “The pups aren’t doing well. Vicki suspects its parvo. Heidi is going to be bringing the pups to the clinic at 1:30.” Vicki is my good friend and a veterinarian who does amazing work for the abandoned, abused and neglected animals here in Minnesota. On March 10^th, 4 beautiful pups arrived on transport from Leech Lake Reservation – Micco (‘chief’), Masaka (‘strong’), Muraca (‘white moon’) and Misu (‘rippling brook’).  Through our efforts at Leech Lake Legacy (a collaborative effort to help the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation) we have placed a majority of animals at the Animal Humane Society (AHS) in Golden Valley. They arrived piled on top of each other in a kennel. It was Jill, Erica and Kristen’s (of Pause for Paws) first transport up to Leech Lake Reservation. They stepped up at the last minute to help us bring down to the cities 4 7 week old puppies, a 6 month old pup and 2 adult dogs.  The 4 pups needed to first spend time at my friend Heidi’s home for the remainder of the quarantine period for puppies. Heidi has been a saint for the puppies up at Leech Lake Reservation and taking them into her home for the required days: a 10 day quarantine to ensure they are healthy and don’t have parvo.

Micco and Heidi

So off went Micco, Masaka, Muraca and Misu to Heidi’s home for a week. Heidi was excited to spend the next week with squiggly, squirmy, crying, poopy, peeing, barky, fat-bellied pups who would get into everything. Over the week she kept in touch with us and there were ups and downs through the week. One day we would think they were okay, then the next, they started having the dreaded parvo symptoms. We were hoping and praying it wasn’t parvo; we were hoping worms were causing them to have parvo-like symptoms. We have seen a lot of coccidia up at the Reservation. Dr. Vicki kept in touch with us throughout the week. They were put on a special bland diet and treated for coccidia. That seemed to help so we were all once again hopeful. Then yesterday things took a turn again for the worse .. Micco was not doing well. Her symptoms had gotten worse. When Heidi described the symptoms to Vicki that’s when we were told what we feared the most, it’s most likely parvo.

I met Heidi at Vicki’s clinic at 1:30 pm yesterday. We met Vicki at the back of the clinic. She was wearing yellow scrubs. Parvo is a disease I have come to despise. It is a highly contagious viral disease and because the puppies aren’t vaccinated against it they are the ones who are attacked by this virus. It’s a virus that spreads with a vengeance and won’t go away. It’s a disease that when it strikes the most innocent and helpless it rips your heart right out. It’s a disease that yes, some puppies can be treated and survive it, and 2 pups from Leech Lake Reservation last year were two of the lucky ones taken in by Act V Rescue and the rescue incurred a $6,000 bill. So here we were on a Monday afternoon with four puppies showing varying levels of parvo symptoms. We/Leech Lake Legacy have a couple hundred dollars in our emergency medical fund. We can’t afford to treat 4 puppies for parvo.

Micco at  Vicki's clinic

Vicki checks Micco out. She has a fever. She doesn’t look good. All her symptoms point to parvo. She gives her fluids. I look at Micco and I pray for guidance. What do we do? I look at Heidi … her eyes are red, she’s holding tears back and my heart just breaks. She shares with us how she tried to the take the 4 pups out for a walk over the weekend. It was a gorgeous weekend. She had spent a lot of time out in her backyard with the pups and decided, let’s try to go for a walk. “I got 10 feet and turned around. They were playing with each other, and the leash was getting all tangled up.” She smiles as she remembers that moment.

We call Jenny outside the clinic as we try to figure out what we are going to do. We all know that we can’t treat these puppies. We don’t have $2500 to spend on each puppy. For 4 puppies that would be $10,000. We don’t have a place for them to go. Rescues and shelters won’t take parvo puppies. They can’t risk exposing other dogs to parvo.

Misu ('rippling brook')

Jenny asks both Heidi and me, “what do you think we should do?” We all know we need to let them go. And we all agree that as painful as it is, we have no other alternative. I’m not going to ask Vicki to euthanize the puppies. I tell Heidi I’m going to call AHS and see if they can help us out. We both get in our cars and start driving to AHS in Golden Valley. I call Lynn (AHS’ vet tech supervisor). I met Lynn 10 months ago when our efforts to help the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation began and our partnership with AHS was evolving.  Over the 10 months we have gone through so much … laughed and cried. We have celebrated the joys of placing so many of these beautiful animals into loving homes; we have cried when we lost some to parvo.

I call Lynn on my way to AHS. As Lynn picks up her cell phone I look in my rear view mirror and see Heidi following me. My heart is breaking, for the pups, but as much for Heidi. I’m crying on the phone with Lynn as I tell her what’s going and that the puppies have parvo and will she euthanize them for us. I can feel the warmth and compassion flooding through the phone line. “I am so sorry.  I am so sorry. Just come here and we will do our best to make what is so difficult a little less painful.” It’s as if I feel Lynn’s arms around me, around Heidi, around the pups. I can’t stop myself from crying as I’m driving on highway 100 heading to AHS. Looking back I realize I was not alone through this painful process. Vicki and Lynn wrapped their arms around us and without saying these words, had shown through their actions, ‘we are here for you.’

Masaka ('strong')

Heidi and I pull up to the intake area of AHS. We leave the pups in their kennel in her car. As I walk into the intake area there are 4 AHS staff waiting for us. It’s clear Lynn has told them to expect us. Compassion and understanding fill the room. Moments later, Lynn walks through her door. I’m doing my best to hold it together, to not break down, to not cry. Lynn doesn’t say a word, she comes up to me, arms outstretched and she hugs me tightly. The tears start falling uncontrollably. She holds onto me and squeezes me. The pain in my heart for Heidi, for the puppies comes pouring out. She continues to hold me tightly and I feel her taking some of the pain in my heart. I am angry at the injustice of all of this. I feel helpless and alone and as Lynn holds me tightly, I realize I am not alone. There’s an entire village of support for the work we are doing to help the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation.

Heidi and I are with Micco, Masaka, Muraca and Misu as they cross over the rainbow bridge. As Lynn is holding them, Melissa (the vet tech at AHS) gently inserts the needle into their tiny vein.  Heidi and I stroke each puppy as they gently fall asleep. In one of the most painful, difficult moments there is love in that room. Heidi shares memories and stories, “Misu is the sassy one. She was sassy with her siblings.” As we hold Micco, Masaka and Muraca we tell them when they are up in heaven it will be their turn to sass Misu. The pups went quietly and very peacefully.

Muraca ('white moon')

I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking of Heidi, of the puppies, of Vicki, of Lynn, of the staff at AHS who showed so much love and compassion. I woke up this morning and I started crying again. I have come to truly hate the disease of parvo. This morning I needed to give myself time to grieve, to cry and to  also celebrate the incredible bonding and relationships that have formed over the past year as so many people have come together in our shared  vision to help as many animals. We celebrate the successes and happy endings, but we also share the pain of the losses.

Heidi sent me a text last night ‘ … my heart breaks a little every time an ending like this comes to be a part of the story of any of our beloved animals. Those little girls are in my heart, and hey they had a good last week.” And she ended with a reminder to me that we have so many more animals to help and that they need us to be there for them. We, along with many others, are heading up to Leech Lake Reservation later this week for the first collaborative spay/neuter clinic up at the Reservation.

Thank you Heidi for opening up your heart and your home to Micco, Masaka, Muraca and Misu. You gave them the best week of their lives. And thank you Vicki for always being there for us and the animals of Leech Lake Reservation. And Lynn, when my heart was breaking, thank you for being there and holding my heart together and picking up the pieces and making what was a very difficult decision, a little less painful, by reminding us … we are all in this together, and by working together we can not only help so many more animals but we will be there with love and compassion for each other as well.

Tonight when you look up in the stars, you will see four bright stars in the night skies … yes, they will be Micco (chief), Masaka (strong), Muraca (white moon) and Misu (rippling brook).

6 nights/7 days on the beach in December!

About 8 years ago while vacationing in Hawaii, I got 'talked into' attending a meeting where ... "Come listen to a 45 minute presentation and you earn 20,000 Hilton Honor points. No obligations." I said to myself, I can do that ... I'll just listen and I won't be persuaded to buy anything!! Hmmm ... I learned otherwise :) Three hours later I had signed up to buy into the Hilton Grand Resorts Vacation, and every year since then have had the opportunity to take incredible vacations, with many of them being at Marco Island in Florida.

This year, I've decided to do something different. Yes, I'll be taking a vacation of my own in September, but I thought to myself, why not give someone else the opportunity to enjoy time at Marco Island, and come up with a way to raise money for the homeless, abandoned, abused animals of Leech Lake Reservation (to learn more about our efforts to help the animals at Leech Lake check out the Leech Lake Legacy blog). So this year, I am donating a large chunk of my Hilton Grand Resort Vacation points to a cause near and dear to my heart: the animals of Leech Lake Reservation in Minnesota. I just booked a 2 BR villa at Eagle's Nest Resort on Marco Island (it's right on the ocean) for December 8 - December 14, 2012.

I debated on going down the raffle ticket route and working with a non-profit to get the raffle going as a fundraiser. The reality is I need to try to raise money quickly. At the end of March, we had our first collaborative spay/neuter clinic up at Leech Lake Reservation. In two days we:

- Spay/Neutered 91 dogs/cats (vaccinations, microchip and pet ID are also given for the 91)
- Provided vaccinations only to 75
- Took in 49 surrenders at the clinic
- Performed one eye enucleation

The need is HUGE up at Leech Lake Reservation and if at all possible I would love to raise enough money so we can send Kindest Cut spay/neuter mobile unit back up to Leech Lake Reservation in June or July.

The value of the December vacation is over $1,600. I am asking $1,500 and ask that you make the check out to Leech Lake Legacy. Not only will you be getting an incredible vacation, at a beach front property in December, but you will know that you will be helping the animals of Leech Lake Reservation.

So ... if you, or someone you know, has been thinking about planning a vacation for the end of the year, consider a week at Marco Island, right ON the beach ... imagine going for long walks along the beach and waving to the dolphins who are often seen swimming and playing along the shoreline.

I am essentially selling my 6 night/7 day vacation at a beachfront property (yes, a 2 BR villa) in Marco Island for slightly less than the value ... so not only are you getting a deal but you have my word that the entire amount will go to help fund a spay/neuter clinic up at Leech Lake Reservation.

And here are just a few photos taken at Marco Island from one of my visits there :)

Honey ... safe in rescue!

Honey on her way into the
cities from Bemidji

I received the greatest gift for Valentine's Day yesterday when Pet Haven let me know they would take Honey into their foster program and provide the medical care she needs. Jenny and I met the transport at 1 pm at Plymouth Heights Pet Hospital. Jenny lifted her out of the kennel. We weren't sure if she could even stand or put any weight on her legs. It was obvious she wasn't putting any weight on her front left leg. She was wobbly and kept collapsing but with support, was able to stand for a little while and go potty.  All she wanted though was to be loved and petted.

Honey gets checked out by the vet. A couple x-rays are taken and it is confirmed that her front left leg is completely broken, and we are not sure how much nerve damage there is. The vet worries about her lungs and respiratory system from the trauma of the accident so a chest x-ray is also done. If she has damage to her lungs it will determine the care she will need through the night. Fortunately Honey's lungs check out okay. An x-ray of her lower area shows that her pelvic bone was not broken ... a HUGE relief for all of us as that means her prognosis is much better. She has external injuries on her back leg from road rash and is on antibiotics for the infection. She must've been in an incredible amount of pain and yet, she doesn't even show it ... these precious animals simply amaze me at how resilient they are ....

Honey was given morphine for the pain yesterday and a comfy blanket was set up for her in a kennel so she could rest. She will be spending some time at the clinic and will go through more tests today. The vet didn't want to do too much yesterday as she has already been through so much. We will know soon whether Honey's leg will need to be amputated. Pet Haven also has a foster lined up for her and ready to take this sweet girl into her home and help her heal and recover.

Thank you Pet Haven for taking this sweet girl into your foster program. Thank you for giving her the gift of life. And thank you to the countless number of people who played a role in saving this girl's life ... from Natasha, the good Samaritan who pulled her from the middle of the road up at Leech Lake Reservation, to Rory (Leech Lake Rez Animal Control Officer) for reaching out to Leech Lake Legacy for help, to Animal Care Clinic in Bemidji for caring for her till we could find a place for her, to Nancy O for transporting her to Motley and Barb W for transporting her from Motley to the cities .... to Mary Ann (board member of Pet Haven) for being an incredible advocate for this girl and thinking creatively ... to the Pet Haven dog division leadership team for their willingness and flexibility to 'wing it' and to bend some of the rules ... to Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue for reaching out to her network and being willing to provide temporary care for Honey, to Plymouth Heights Pet Hospital for taking her in so quickly and providing her with such great care, to Dinie (Pet Haven foster) for opening up your home and your heart to help this sweet girl heal and recover, to Lisa J for calling me and reaching out to help in any way possible ... and last but not least, a heart felt thanks to my partner in crime with Leech Lake Legacy, Jenny F, for all you do on a daily basis. It's hard for me to believe that since last May we have been able to help ~ 270 animals ... with Leech Lake Legacy we believe that by collaborating and working together we can do much more for these precious animals. It amazed me to witness yesterday how so many people came together to help Honey .... For everyone involved, thank you for caring and thank you for making a difference.

Honey

I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up this morning haunted with Honey's face. Honey is a 1 year old aussie mix who was found lying by the side of the road up at Leech Lake Reservation yesterday. Would today be the day we would have to authorize the euthanasia of this sweet pup because we had no place for her to go?

Our efforts to help the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation began last May, and what emerged was Leech Lake Legacy, a collaborative effort to help the dogs and cats at Leech Lake Reservation. Since last May we have been able to give 270 animals a second chance in large part due to our partnership with the Animal Humane Society (AHS) and MnPAW (Minnesota Partnership for Animal Welfare).  Several other shelters and rescues (Animal Allies, Tri-County Humane Society, Carver Scott Humane Society, Pet Haven, Act V Rescue & Rehabilitation) have played a large role in helping these precious animals. 

Yesterday my friend Jenny got the call from the Leech Lake Reservation Animal Control Officer (ACO) about Honey.  She authorized the okay for Honey to be taken to the vet, but all we could authorize was for her to be checked out by the vet, given pain meds and kept overnight as we would explore options for a shelter or rescue to take her. Our medical fund had been depleted. LLL has not done any fundraising in the past. A generous donor gave us $500 after he was touched by the work we are doing up at the Reservation. A few days ago we authorized for a young pup Puckett to be seen by the vet. He was coughing up blood and we feared parvo. The vet in Bemidji gave us substantial discounts -- tested him for parvo, put him on IV fluid and hospitalized him overnight. Puckett bounced back the next morning (but he remained at the vet for a few days). The vet tech fell in love with Puckett and offered to foster him for two weeks until we would be able to bring him into AHS.

Puckett

Leech Lake Legacy has been extremely fortunate to have such a great partnership with AHS. They have taken in so many injured animals (including Gemini who arrived on transport this past weekend with a head injury and had surgery on Sunday). With the 107 dogs they recently took in from a hoarding case in Bemidji they are simply overwhelmed and unable to take Honey right now. In the animal rescue world, it's a balancing act ... your heart wants to save every animal but the reality of resources and constraints come into play ... last July we took in Cass from Leech Lake Reservation. He was a 7 year old dog who was surrendered by his owner and traveled 7 miles back to his home where he wasn't wanted, and brought back to the impound. We learned Cass had cancer. I pulled him from AHS and brought him to my home for 24 hours so that he could experience what being loved felt like, and after being blessed with his presence in my home, took him to my vet (Lake Harriet Vet) and held him while he crossed over rainbow bridge. My heart still aches for him but with an older dog with cancer, finding a rescue to take him wasn't possible.

And last night, Jenny and I struggled with the reality that we may have to give the okay for Honey to be euthanized. We have no money in the LLL medical fund. We haven't found a rescue or shelter able to commit to taking Honey. She's in pain from having been hit by a car and needs medical attention and most likely costly surgery.

This morning I woke up to an email from a fellow volunteer at Pet Haven. They have a possible foster, but no commitments at this point. Can I give them a couple more days? My gut screamed out at me ... I can't give up on Honey ... not yet. With no money in the LLL medical fund, Jenny and I make the decision to transport her to the cities today. Volunteer extraordinaire Nancy O is picking her up from the clinic at 8:30 and bringing her to Motley where another volunteer will pick her up and transport her into the cities. It's Valentines' Day ... I simply can't give the okay to euthanize Honey today, not when there's a door cracked open. So Honey is coming to the cities today. I will pay for her to get meds and be boarded at a hospital for a couple days. If by the end of Thursday, we haven't been able to find a rescue that can take her and provide her with the care and medical attention she needs, then I know that I may be at her side, like I was with Cass, as she crosses Rainbow Bridge.

For now, I just pray that I won't have to do that on Thursday.

Yesterday I also realized that we need to raise money for the LLL medical fund so that we can help the Pucketts and the Honeys (I'm hopeful that there will still be a happy ending to this story).

Please consider making a donation to Leech Lake Legacy's medical fund. You can write a check out to 'Leech Lake Legacy' and mail it to:

Leech Lake Legacy

P.O. Box 385454

Bloomington, MN 55438

I made the following video in memory of sweet Cass, who will forever live in my heart ...

A Lamp in the Darkness

A couple weeks ago the book I ordered through Amazon arrived in the mail, "A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times" by Jack Kornfield. I ordered it not because I felt like I was going through difficult times but simply because I love Jack Kornfield's writings. Little did I know how timely it would be to have his book on my shelf in my writing room. When I wrote my last blog post reflecting back on the health challenges presented to me in 2011 (and to my dog Ahnung) I was in a space of simply noticing, and in many ways, a place of acceptance. There's a great quote from the book:

"If you can sit quietly after difficult news; if in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm; if you can see your neighbors travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy; if you can happily eat whatever is put on your plate; if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill; if you can always find contentment just where you are; you are probably a dog."

Yesterday I met with my internist. Yesterday I realized I was very human, as I certainly didn't respond peacefully and quietly after some difficult news. 2011 turned out ending with another twist with my health issues. For about a week at the end of December I had been experiencing abdominal pain. Yes, it hurt but it was a tolerable pain. I could tell something was going on but because I've had so many health issues and seen so many doctors in the past year, I thought maybe it would just go away. I had a couple days where I noticed something different about my urine .. It was pinkish and rusty (i've since learned that I had an episode of gross hematuria). Then on Friday, December 30th, signs became very clear that I was bleeding internally and I was rushed in for an upper GI. Later that day I was told I had stomach erosions and a biopsy was taken. The pathology report came back indicating that I did not have the H. Pylori bacteria which can be the cause of stomach erosions. Another cause is often drugs (frequently taking painkillers like tylenol, aspirin, ibuprofen). I mentioned to my GI doctor that for a few months I have been taking 325 mg of aspirin. Due to my heart condition of Left Ventricular Non Compaction my doctor has me on aspirin therapy to reduce my risk of strokes. My doctor did not believe the aspirin was the cause of my erosions and told me to keep taking the aspirin for my heart. I'm on medication for the stomach erosions (and it seems to be helping) and have another upper GI scheduled for 2/23. My doctor said he needs to go back in to see if the erosions have healed.

When I left Minnesota Gastroenterology I was told to follow-up with my internist. So yesterday was my appointment to do just that. Before I had the upper GI procedure they took my blood pressure ... it was 137/85. I looked at the nurse and said that's high for me. She said that's not unusual because patients get stressed. Well, in my gut I knew there was something off and that it wasn't stress. I've seen more doctors in the past 2 years and had more surgeries and procedures than some have had in a life time and my blood pressure (and pulse) have always been low ... typically 100/80. On a bad day it would get to 105/80. So I decided when I saw my internist for my follow-up I would mention the higher blood pressure and also what I had noticed in my urine a couple weeks ago. About a year ago, I had had a couple urinalysis reports come back showing I had blood (RBCs) and WBCs in my blood. A third test indicated it was back to normal so my internist at that time told me not to worry about it and to just get it re-checked in a year. In July, 2011 a had a full physical with my new internist. I failed to mention blood in my urine from previous tests not thinking it wasn't important. I learned yesterday that my urinalysis from July, 2011 indicated that I had blood (microscopic blood) in my urine again. I also had white blood cells which led him to believe that I may have an infection. After learning more about additional pieces of health information (which I inadvertently left out because I had so many other health issues ... mainly my heart issues!) he shared with me that intermittent bleeding in my urine (microscopic hematuria) needs to be checked out further with a urologist. He said it can be caused by kidney stones (although since i'm not in a lot of pain he doubts it's kidney stones) and can also be caused by tumors. "I'm not saying it's cancer, but we need to get it checked out," he said. Since it wasn't causing me any major problems I wanted to see if I could just take the wait and see approach. My doctor advised against that, "if it is cancer, if we catch it early we have much better chance of treating it." Next step is to set up an appt with a urologist and he would probably want to do both a scan of your kidneys and also a procedure called a cystoscopy ... unfortunately, he said, that's another not so fun procedure (as I told him how the upper GI was not an enjoyable procedure for me as I couldn't stop gagging!) I am scheduled for the kidney scan and appt with the urologist for 1/23.

Next item ... blood pressure. I mentioned how I noticed my blood pressure being higher than normal when I went in for the upper GI. My doctor checked my blood pressure twice. The first time it was 135/80 and the second time it was 137/85. He checked my records as said it was 101/80 in July, 2011. He said we technically don't start treating for high blood pressure until it goes over 140 so for now keep monitoring it. High blood pressure does run in my family. But I've always had normal or low blood pressure ... interesting that it's now high. It could be genetic or it could also be related to problems with my kidney. I wonder also, could it have anything to do with my heart disease?

I have always felt in my gut that whatever is going on in my body is something at a systemic level. In 2009 pre-cancer cells were found in my breast and it continues to multiply; in early 2010 I was  diagnosed with pancreatic insufficiency. In 2011 they removed a polyp from my colon and told me I had a 'colony of internal hemorrhoids' ... later in 2011 it was my heart ... 25% PVCs and a heart ablation procedure and a diagnosis of a rare heart condition, left ventricular non compaction. Then 2011 ends with stomach erosions and 2012 kicks off with high blood pressure and kidney problems.

I don't know why but I don't think I was emotionally prepared for my doctor to tell me yesterday that I have kidney problems. I wanted to cry when I left his office .... when will this end? What's next? Sometimes I feel like my body is gradually being taken over by some virus or bacteria or some alien being (oh, that could be from watching too much Star Trek!). The Buddhist way is to embrace uncertainty and to embrace the unknown ... I must confess that yesterday (and even this morning) I feel off center and am trying to find my way back to a place of true acceptance and peace with whatever life throws my way.

I know that I need to find a way back to my center. I ask for the courage and the strength to walk my life's journey and to welcome and embrace all that comes my way. I pray for the strength to simply Let Go and to trust that the path I am on is the path I am meant to be on ... and when I feel myself lost in the darkness of emotions that scare me that I just hold onto Ahnung, my north star, as she has always, and will continue to be the lamp that leads me through the darkness.

Gratitude ... and embracing uncertainty with curiosity

As 2011 comes to a close I find myself reflecting back on the year … healthwise, so much has happened.

January, 2011 – I bought and closed on my house here in Bloomington, MN. Together with my beloved pups (Ahnung, Missy and Mister) we began a new start.

March, 2011 – While going in for an MRI guided breast biopsy they discover electrical problems in my heart. The breast biopsy is postponed till I get clearance from a cardiologist. I soon learn my heart is beating from the ‘wrong’ place 25% of the time and am referred to the Heart Institute to meet with a cardiologist and electrophysiologist.

April, 2011 – I have clearance from my cardiologist and have my MRI guided breast biopsy done. Fortunately the lesions are benign. The electrical problems in my heart worsen and I am scheduled for a heart ablation. I also learn I have a rare heart condition called Left Ventricular Non-Compaction (LVNC) where I am at “high risk of developing cardiomyopathy and also at high risk of sudden cardiac death.”

May, 2011 – I undergo a heart ablation at the Heart Institute and my electrical problems in the right ventricle are resolved.

June, 2011 – Heart rhythm problems begin again and a heart holter indicates my heart is beating irregularly again 10% of the time. I am asked to return in 3 months for another holter monitor test.

Ahnung trying out a tank top
for her to wear post
lumpectomy

July, 2011 – I discover a lump in my dog (and soul mate) Ahnung’s 4^th left mammary gland. She undergoes a lumpectomy and is diagnosed with breast cancer. We see an oncologist who is hopeful that the cancer was removed and like myself, she is now on the close surveillance path as we monitor the return of tumors.

August, 2011 -  A new lump is discovered in my left breast. I undergo another lumpectomy (my third in two years). Pathology report indicates the cells in my breast are continuing to go awry … more atypical ductal hyperplasia, bordering on DCIS. I continue to opt for close surveillance.

October, 2011 – Heart holter test indicates the electrical problems in my heart are minimal (~ 1%). My cardiologist is cautiously optimistic that we have taken care of the electrical problems but says it’s unusual for them to return like they did in June and then go away with no explanation. He asks me to return in 6 months for another holter (to monitor the electrical problems in my heart) and an echocardiogram to monitor the structural functioning of my heart.

Legacy

It’s December now and I’m not officially due to see my cardiologist till April, 2012. I’m due in February for another breast MRI.  I have continued to monitor Ahnung’s mammary glands and so far am beyond grateful there have been no more growths. I pray she remains cancer free. Meanwhile I am grateful to be feeling good a majority of the time. I have decided to live my life as fully as I can. I have decided to not focus on my health and to do what makes me feel alive, which is animal rescue work. The truth is, we all don’t know how much longer we have on this precious planet. I am confronted with words one dreads coming from a doctor’s mouth .. that yes, I have a  serious heart condition where there is a thickening of the walls in my heart muscles. It will cause my heart to get weaker and eventually fail. So when I asked him after my heart ablation how long I had, he said “it could be a year, two years, maybe even 10!”  Well, as far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty wide range and to dwell on it will do me absolutely no good. In fact, I consider it a gift .... It’s amazing how one’s perspective can shift when you are faced with a serious health condition. I would be lying if I said I never thought about it especially when my heart starts doing cart wheels and I can tell there’s something just not right.  But most of the time, it passes.

So this year, when my health took a nose dive I did what most people would say is insane, I plunged even deeper into my volunteer world of animal rescue, and began fostering homeless dogs/puppies and in September, 2011 adopted one of my foster puppies, Legacy. This sweet little bundle of joy has been such a gift and one of the best medicines for both Ahnung and me. Ironically, I walk a parallel path with Ahnung as we are monitored closely …. Many would say that with all this uncertainty in our lives, and not so pleasant health diagnoses, that we should be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know … instead, I’d like to think that we were given a gift of facing the fragileness of our own mortality, and through that gift, were given the gift of choosing to live, and I mean, really, truly LIVE. As Julian Boyd (a basketball player with the same heart condition I have) said in an interview with New York Times ("Star's Heart Condition keeps L.I.U on Edge")  ... "“Every game, I play like it’s my last because I’ve been shown that it really could be,” he said. “If anything were to happen ever again, I want to be able to say the last game I played was with everything." So my motto, is to live each day as if it were my last!

My wish for 2012 is that I will continue to fill my heart with gratitude and that I will embrace any and all uncertainty that comes my way with childlike curiosity and wonder.  And may I continue to fill my heart with the innocence and playfulness I am blessed to witness every day in a house full of puppies … both those who have permanent residence here (Ahnung, Missy, Mister, Legacy) and those who land temporarily (Yukon, Willy, Rez, Lenny, ZuZu and others) until they find their own forever homes.

And I close my 2011 blog with one of my favorite poems by Mary Oliver .... because when it's over, I don't want to end up simply having visited this world ... I want to say that I have lived my life with passion, purpose, and playfulness.

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When Death Comes

By Mary Oliver

When death comes

like the hungry bear in autumn;

when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;

when death comes

like the measle pox;

when death comes

like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:

what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything

as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,

and I look upon time as no more than an idea,

and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common

as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth

tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something

precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.

I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder

if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened

or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

And Legacy reminds both Ahnung and myself of the importance of play ... I just love how he has brought out the puppy in Ahnung!! :)