When the howls just pierce your soul ...

I used the photo to the left on my last blog post ... I feel compelled to use it one more time as the words ring even more true with the recent rescue of Ilke, a 2 year old male german shepherd from Leech Lake Reservation. Yesterday Jenny gets a call from the Animal Control Officer up at Leech Lake Reservation. He is heading off to pick up a dog who has been hit by a car. He wants to know if he can bring the dog into Animal Care Clinic in Bemidji. Jenny gives the okay for him to be evaluated and for x-rays to be done to see how bad his injuries are and to give him pain meds. When Jenny calls to tell me about Ilke my heart sinks .... How bad is injury? If his leg is broken will we be able to find a rescue or shelter willing to take him in? For the past few weeks it has been tougher to find places for the homeless animals. Shelters and rescues are overflowing ... the number of surrenders and animals coming in has increased and adoptions have slowed down. Some shelters are even giving cats away for free or at a 'Name your price' adoption fee.

My heart still aches for the loss of little Doug .. a 10 week old puppy we tried to rescue from Leech Lake Reservation. He was shot 3 times and one of the bullets entered his spinal cord leaving him paralyzed and with no control of any of his lower organs. To read his story check out a previous blog post.

Ilke arrives at the vet clinic in Bemidji and is given pain meds

So yesterday, Jenny and I frantically begin our plea to our network of shelters and rescues. After Jenny sends out her plea to her usual group she calls me ... "Didn't you mention the rescue Faerieland Rescue recently?" A few days ago as I was chatting with Jenny I ran through the list of shelters and rescues who have signed up for the upcoming MnPAW (Minnesota Partnership for Animal Welfare) conference on 7/29 ... Faerieland Rescue was one of many groups. With such a unique name it stood out, and when Jenny was searching for german shepherd rescues in Minnesota she stumbled across Faerieland Rescue. "Will you reach out to them?" I immediately begin crafting an email to the founder of the rescue. I introduce myself and let her know I got her contact info from her recent registration form. I put my plea in  for Ilke. I hit 'send'. My heart still heavy and I am thinking the chances are slim that a rescue will be able to incur the costs associated with surgery needed to repair his leg. Meanwhile, we hear back from the vet clinic in Bemidji. The x-rays confirm his front left leg is broken. He has a broken radius and ulna. He also has a puncture wound. We later learn that his broken bone has shifted and cut through his skin. I get a call and an email from Kathy, the founder of Faerieland Rescue. She would like to talk to me as she would like to help Ilke if she can. She agrees to take Ilke into her program!! The heaviness in my heart is lifted as gratitude fills my heart ... thank you dear God for sparing this boy and for at least giving him a chance.

Ilke arrives in the city this morning at 11:30 on an emergency transport from Bemidji. Many thanks to volunteer Nancy for making the drive to the city. Jenny and I meet Nancy and Ilke in Plymouth. He's laying on his side on layers on blankets in the back of Nancy's car. He's barely moving. Nancy tells me he howls a few times on her ride to the cities. They are howls of pain. I stroke his face and start talking to him. He tries to move a little and howls. The howls pierce my soul; they send chills through my body. Ilke was going to go home with Jenny for a few hours till Kathy from Faerieland Rescue could pick him up after work. I tell Jenny, "he has got to go to a vet. He's in too much pain." Jenny calls Douglas Animal Hospital in Osseo which is closeby and because she has a connection there. We take him there. He is too much pain to even be lifted out of Jenny's car. He howls again, and his howl just breaks my heart. I wrap my hands around his face. His sweet shepherd face reminds me of my Legacy. I press my face against his face and tell him how sorry I am he is in so much pain. The vet decides we need to sedate him. I sigh when I finally watch him rest his head .. free from pain, at least for now.

Ilke arrives in the cities

Many, many thanks to Dr. Douglas for contacting Veterinary Surgical Specialists and making it possible for Ilke to have surgery within 2 hours of his arrival at their clinic. It was fate that the surgeon was available and able to get to their clinic. Ilke had surgery this afternoon. The break was worse than it appeared and his bone had cut through his skin. But he's on the road to recovery now and is in the loving care of Kathy of Faerieland Rescue. He's on some strong pain meds now and I'm hoping sound asleep ... I can still hear his howls and his cries. Thank you Faerieland Rescue for giving this boy a chance ...

Faerieland Rescue has only been around since July, 2009. It's a lot for any rescue to take on a rescue dog with injuries and especially orthopedic surgeries which are very costly. The total cost for Ilke's surgery came to $1,900, including x-rays and some pre-surgery tests. We are also extremely grateful to Veterinary Surgical Specialists for their expertise and for giving substantial discounts to rescues.

Leech Lake Legacy would like to help raise some funds to help defray the costs for Ilke's surgery. If you are able, please consider making a donation:

Please make your checks out to:

Leech Lake Legacy, and in the memo field write 'For Ilke's surgery and care', and mail your check to:

Leech Lake Legacy

P.O. Box 385454

Bloomington, MN 55438

This sweet 65 pound german shepherd is no longer suffering and is no longer in excruciating pain thanks to the efforts and generosity of so many. I've heard this many times and it is so true ... it definitely takes a village. Some of us throw ourselves into volunteerism or working in the animal rescue/welfare world; others are touched deeply by the plight of homeless animals but are unable to volunteer or get involved ... I ask you to consider making a donation, any amount will help. And if Ilke could give you a thank you kiss he would :) Please share Ilke's story .. he's safe in Kathy's home right now but if you would be open to fostering this sweet boy and helping him heal through his recovery email Kathy at kathy@faerielandrescue.org

Thank you Kathy for acting so quickly. As we work to help the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation we are often faced with difficult decisions that need to be made quickly. Thank you for walking with us in this journey and for giving Ilke his life back, and for freeing him from his pain. And give the sweet gentle boy a big kiss from me :)

Ilke update (7/16/2012) from foster mom Kathy:

"We made it through the weekend. He is starting to come to life. He walks on 3 legs. Wants to go out and do his business outside.   I am icing the leg 3 x a day at least. Over the weekend I did it 4 x, he is getting his meds crushed up in his food.  I don't feel like trying to shove a ton of pills down his throat so i crush them and mix in with wet dog food ...

.... When I am icing his leg-he lays on the love seat and rolls on his back with the sore leg straight in the air. I ice one side and then the other. He will close his eyes and act like he is falling asleep during this time. When the leg has had enough-he moves and I do the other side of it.  It sure gets hot in between the times I can ice it.  This morning he cried a little before I did the icing."

Ilke the first night after surgery ...

Ilke is getting around ... he looks like he's smiling!! :)

 

Keeping our hearts open in the face of loss and tragedy

I know i'm not alone when I say I feel like i've been on a major rollercoaster ride of emotions these past 10 days. I walk this journey with many others, of advocating and doing our best to be a voice for the animals and for those who often have no voice. With so much loss these past 10 days, I find myself needing to consciously work to keep my heart open. My heart hurts for the animals we have lost, and also for my fellow rescuers who work tirelessly, day in and day out, allowing themselves to remain vulnerable to the hurt that inevitably comes in the work of animal rescue.

On June 15th, we lost little Doug, an 8 week old puppy who was shot 3 times with one bullet lodged in his spinal cord leaving him permanently paralyzed and his lower organs not functioning. Jenny and I were there with him, holding him as he crossed over Rainbow Bridge. We got a text yesterday that his ashes are in .. Jenny is going to pick up little Doug's ashes after work today. I will keep his ashes along with the ashes of others we have lost.

And yesterday at 7:47, Jenny and I received an email from Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue. I will always be indebted and grateful to Karen Good for rescuing and leading me to my sweet Ahnung.


Hi Marilou and Jen :


We just concluded a neuter/spay clinic yesterday and when we were leaving the warehouse (vet had left) a boxer/pit mix (we named Hope) was brought to the warehouse  who had been in labor 2 days sitting in the back of a truck in the rain.  She had green slime seeping out of 2 holes in her mammary glands.  She had 2 pups that were dead previously the owner said.  

Hope before the c-section.

Poor Hope was surrendered in very serious condition and we went to the emergency vet in Gonvick MN where the vet opened her up and removed 4 dead puppies and there were 3 still living. Her embryotic fluid was green and foul smelling.


Hope is malnourished and after the pups were taken out- she is VERY skinny.


Hope remains at the vet on antibiotics IV and fluid IV this morning.


We are hoping hoping to find a place for Hope and her 3 surviving pups who are now being syringe fed and have a strong desire to live.  The vet thinks that if Hope lives she may be able to nurse them if
supervised.


Hope is a very sweet girl.  She is a miracle and we hope you can take her.  

Jenny reached out to Jean of Carver  Scott Humane Society about the possibility of taking Hope and her 3 surviving pups, and without hesitation Jean said YES! Jean and her husband have been angels for so many of the animals. Hope and her 3 surviving pups are loaded up immediately and are transported to the cities by volunteer Heather who has just spent 3 long days up at Red Lake Reservation volunteering at a spay/neuter clinic. She stops every 2-3 hours to feed the puppies. 

Hope arrives at Jean's house

Jenny and I head over to Jean's house and around 6 pm Heather arrives with Hope and her 3 pups (Faith, Wendall and Leonard). Jean immediately takes the less than 24 hour old pups into her house and she and Jenny begin syringe feeding the pups some goat's milk. I'm hanging outside with with Heather and Hope ... her ribs are protruding and a couple of her mammary glands are wide open and it looks like her insides are coming out. Despite all she's been through, her calm, gentle, loving spirit was all I could feel. Once inside the house, she lays like a perfect angel on a blanket. After her babies have had some goat's milk we bring them over to her and she kisses them and cleans them off. What a kind, gentle mama. 

Dr. Vicki of Act V Rescue offered to come over and check on Hope and the pups. I call her and she immediately comes over to Jean's house. The pups are not doing so well. Their bodies are cold and we do everything we can to warm them up. Hope's IV needs to be replaced as she is also dehydrated. Dr. Vicki tells us we need to head to her clinic. Shortly after arriving at her clinic we place Faith, Wendall and Leonard under blankets and a warm air blower. Heather is rubbing them and trying to warm them up and whispering to them to keep fighting! Vicki told me at Jean's house that she was very concerned about Wendall. Less than 5 minutes after we arrive at the clinic we lose Wendall. Heather holds him and kisses him and tears start flowing. She brings Wendall over to Hope so she can say goodbye ... Hope kisses Wendall. Ten minutes later, we lose Faith. Hope kisses  Faith to say goodbye. 

Hope cleaning off Wendell and Leonard after
they had some goat's milk

All this time Hope is laying on the table and being a perfect angel and not even flinching with all the poking and prodding. Vicki stitches up her gaping open mammary gland ... while Vicki is working on Hope and cleaning her wound, Hope calmly rests her head on my right hand and arm. I start to feel my hand vibrating and moments later I hear Hope snoring. She's sound asleep (without the help of any drugs). She has got to be beyond exhausted after being in labor for more than 2 days and after enduring so much pain and suffering. 

At this point Leonard is still hanging in there and Hope has been stitched up and a new IV put in and given fluids. It's almost 9 pm. They head home with Jean who will ensure Leonard is fed every 2-3 hours. Leonard ate at 1 am this morning. But it is with great sadness I share that Leonard passed away at 4 am to join Faith and Wendall, and their other 6 siblings.

Faith being syringe fed by jean

So now, as Jean shared this morning, she must focus her efforts on helping Hope get well. It's hard for me to even comprehend the level of suffering Hope endured, and despite what she endured, has such a loving, gentle spirit. Many hearts are hurting for the loss of Faith, Wendall and Leonard. My only consolation is in knowing that for their brief 24 hours that they were surrounded with love and that Hope is now free of a life of suffering. 

I remind myself as well, that for all the losses, there are many happy endings. While waiting for Heather to arrive from Red Lake, we got to meet Lance, one of four puppies Jean took in from Morrison County Animal Humane Society a few weeks ago. Jean graciously opened her heart and home to foster these four puppies as their siblings had gotten parvo and did not survive. 

Lance ... defied the odds
and escaped parvo and is doing great!

Thank you Karen, Heather, Jean, Dr. Vicki, Jenny for all you did for Hope and her puppies. 

I found a beautiful prayer from "Prayers for Healing" ..

May our eyes remain open even in the face of tragedy.

May we not become disheartened.

May we find in the dissolution

   of our apathy and denial,

   the cup of the broken heart.

May we discover the gift of the fire burning

   in the inner chamber of our being ~

   burning great and bright enough

   to transform any poison.

May we offer the power of our sorrow to the service

   of something greater than ourselves.

May our guilt not rise up to form

   yet another defensive wall.

May the suffering purify and not paralyze us.

May we endure; may sorrow bond us and not separate us.

May we realize the greatness of our sorrow

   and not run from its touch or its flame.

May clarity be our ally and wisdom our support.

May our wrath be cleansing, cutting through

   the confusion of denial and greed.

May we not be afraid to see or speak our truth.

May the bleakness of the wasteland be dispelled.

May the soul's journey be revealed

   and the true hunger fed.

May we be forgiven for what we have forgotten

   and blessed with the remembrance

   of who we really are.

~ The Terma Collective

Heartfelt thanks to those who risk being vulnerable and having their hearts broken, over and over again.  Please continue to keep Hope in your thoughts and prayers ..... 

For more photos of Hope and her puppies:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mchanrasmi/sets/72157630274706568/

Heather and Hope :)

Continuing to Celebrate Ahnung

With my sweet Ahnung at her Celebration of Life
party on April 22, 2012
Photo credit: {lmj} photography

It's been exactly 2 months today since Ahnung's Celebration of Life party on April 22, 2012. On April 13th she had surgery to remove a tumor on her neck. It was major surgery with the surgeon having to go into her muscle to remove the tumor and to ensure deep margins. She was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive cancer, invasive adenosquamous carcinoma, and took almost 6 weeks for the massive incision on her neck and back to finally heal. This was Ahnung's second round with cancer ... nine months earlier in July, 2011 she was diagnosed with mammary cancer and had a lumpectomy to remove the tumor.

From a western perspective there's not much we can do except to monitor her closely. From an eastern and holistic perspective there is a lot we are doing. She is on chinese herbs, wild mushroom supplements and fish oil supplements. She is on an anti-cancer diet and I am doing everything I can to boost her immune system and to ensure we create an environment in her body that is NOT conducive for cancer cells to thrive. Two months later she is doing incredibly well. She is happy and full of life and she is back to playing and rolling around with her brother Legacy.

So today, Friday, June 22nd, exactly 2 months after we gathered with friends to Celebrate Ahnung's life, not knowing what the future held, I continue to celebrate her magnificent and precious life. She is a wise spirit and every day I have with her is a gift. 

Little Doug: Forever in our Hearts

Once again, my heart feels like it’s been through the shredder. I’m haunted my Lil Doug’s face. This is his story.

Little Doug arrives at Animal Care Clinic

Last Wednesday, my partner in crime (with Leech Lake Legacy), Jenny F, gets a call from the animal control officer up at Leech Lake Reservation. He got a call that a puppy was laying on the side of the road and had been hit by a car. He wanted our okay to take the puppy to the vet clinic up in Bemidji. Jenny immediately calls the clinic to give authorization to take the puppy in, evaluate him and administer whatever pain meds necessary. We get a call later that they think he may have a broken pelvic bone. He is unable to walk and move the lower part of his body. They are needing to express his bladder. We ask the clinic to take x-rays to confirm if Doug, the puppy, has a broken pelvis. Meanwhile, Jenny reaches out to our contact Jen F at the Animal Humane Society about Lil Doug. There is a transport coming down to the cities from Red Lake Reservation and our volunteer up north Nancy O works to coordinate transport so that Lil Doug can hitch a ride to the cities on Thursday. The vet at the Bemidji clinic shares with Nancy O on Thursday morning when she comes to pick up Doug that it appears that Lil Doug has been shot. He doesn’t have any broken bones. He has 3 bullets all close to his spinal cord. The sweet little 8 week old puppy is unable to walk and to move the lower part of his body.

Lil Doug hitches a ride to the cities with Denise who is transporting cats and kittens from Red Lake Reservation to be placed with rescues. Doug gets to ride in the passenger seat in an open crate and keeps Denise company on the 3 hour ride from Bemidji to Golden Valley AHS. Denise shares with us when she arrives at AHS that she’s been talking to him and giving him lots of love.  It breaks my heart to see this tiny puppy, unable to move and get around. Jenny picks him up and holds him and he doles out lots of puppy kisses. How is it that a puppy who has been shot, possibly paralyzed, been through hell still trust humans and is full of love? How could anyone just shoot a puppy and leave them on the side of the road to suffer and die? I’m struggling to not be consumed by anger and rage at the injustice of this all – at the harsh reality that humans inflict pain on such innocent, trusting beings!

Lil Doug arrives on Thursday, 6/14 - he rides
in style in an open crate in the Denise's passenger seat

We carry Lil Doug into AHS. He is held, given lots of kisses and doles out lots of kisses to Jenny, myself and the AHS staff who are there to welcome him. It was almost 6 pm before Doug arrived from his journey. The shelter vets were gone for the day so Doug’s x-rays couldn’t be looked at till the next morning when he would also be checked out. Anne J, the site manager of Golden Valley AHS, was there along with several others to ensure Doug was well cared for. Melissa (animal care tech lead at AHS) heads off to get Lil Doug’s luxury accommodations set up J She comes back to get the little squirt who has just snarfed down some wet food and continued to give kisses to anyone who got close enough to his adorable puppy face. Jenny and I follow Melissa and Lil Doug back to Ward G where he will be spending the night. Nice comfy, cushy fleece blankets are set up for him. Since he’s unable to get around on his own we place the water bowl next to him so he can get a drink. My heart breaks, once again, as I look into the eyes of this incredibly sweet puppy as he struggles to move. I am hoping and praying for a miracle.

Early the next morning I texted Melissa to see how Lil Doug was doing. His kennel was full of poop and he was covered in urine. She gave the little guy a bubble bath, and fed him a very yummy breakfast which he once again, snarfed down. I’m still praying for a miracle. I’m praying the bullet can be removed, that he can some day walk again, and that he can tear around open fields and back yards, chew on toys and shoes and whatever else puppies get into, and go for long walks with some loving new mom and/or dad.

Doug's x-ray show the 3 bullets

Around noon I get a call on my cell phone as I’m leaving Lake Harriet Veterinary after picking up a refill of Chinese herbs for my girl Ahnung. I answer the phone. It’s Dr. Josh from  Golden Valley AHS. “I’m sorry I don’t have good news for you about Doug.” I have this sinking feeling in my stomach. He tells me one of the bullets is in Doug’s spinal cord. The 2^nd bullet is right next to his spinal cord and the 3^rd one is close by. He is paralyzed – permanently paralyzed and the organs in the lower part of his body aren’t functioning. His bladder isn’t working and leaks urine and will need to have his bladder expressed 3-4 times a day. He has no control over his bowel movements. I’m hearing words .. but they’re just words and they become background noise and my heart feels like it’s on fire and can’t take in any information … as Dr. Josh gently shares more information, it’s like the time I heard my vet tell me ‘I’m sorry, Ahnung has cancer, and it’s an invasive aggressive cancer.” After a couple minutes, I ask Dr. Josh … “I know it’s probably not fair for me to ask you this …” He interrupts me, gently saying, “ask me anything.” After a short pause, “What would you do? We want to do the right thing for Doug. We don’t want him to suffer, but we also want to give him every opportunity.” I know in the end that Jenny and I will have to make the decision. “If Doug were my puppy, I would let him go.” And in that moment, my gut was saying the exact same thing. But I needed to see little Doug again, to be with him, in hopes that he would tell us what’s the right thing to do.

Little Doug in his kennel. Poor baby is unable
to move to even get a drink of water.

Jenny and I met at AHS later in the afternoon. Lynn H, vet tech supervisor at AHS, was there to meet us. Over and over again as we have worked to rescue and rehome the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation, in partnership with AHS, Lynn has been there for us on so many levels. As we walk into the intake area, she walks up to Jenny and hugs her tightly. She then comes to me and gives me a huge, tight hug. “I am so sorry” she says. I can feel Little Doug’s spirit. He is there with all of us. There’s still a part of me that refuses to accept we can’t save Doug. We go back to Ward G. Dr. Josh joins us - he says it’s time to express his bladder again and he goes over the findings of the x-rays with both Jenny and me, the results of his exam and shares with us the severity of the spinal injury. “It will never get better … I am very sorry.” After a year of working so closely with us, Lynn knows that Jenny and I want to spend time out side with little Doug; we need to talk about it; and we need to be as sure as we can about any decision we make. I’ve been holding Doug tightly and giving him lots of kisses. Lynn tells us she’s been carrying him around at work and he’s been getting lots of kisses and love all day. It makes me smile to know the little boy has been feeling love since he was rescued from the side of the road. As I hand Doug off to Jenny my shirt is all wet with urine. We sit down on the grass outside and Jenny sets him on her lap. He can’t get comfortable. He also decides to leave a little poop surprise on her lap … it doesn’t bother either one of us, but the reality of the severity of his injury is apparent. He’s calm when he’s being held against your chest. When you set him on your lap on even on the ground he struggles to find a position that’s comfortable. It broke my heart to see his frustration. Jenny and I both knew in our hearts that the most humane thing to do was to free little Doug’s spirit from a body that had been damaged (by humans). My heart physically hurt. I was angry. I wanted to scream and to curse, and quite frankly, inflict pain on the individual who would commit such a cruel, heartless, act on an innocent puppy. The other part of me kicked in … the part of me that strives every day to fill my heart with love, compassion, understanding, patience, non-judgment. The cycle of violence can’t be broken with more violence. I looked into lil Doug’s eyes and all I could see was love. Dear sweet lil Doug … help me be more like you.

Spending time with Lil Doug on Friday, 6/15

Friday, June 15^th, 2012: Jenny and I make the heart wrenching decision to be with little Doug and to hold him and love him as he crosses Rainbow Bridge. I push all feelings of rage and anger aside. I find some comfort in knowing that little Doug did not have to die alone, by the side of the road, and would never be subjected to any more abuse or suffering. And I return to the moment. What matters in that moment is Little Doug; what matters is that he knows he is loved; what matters is that he knows he is safe; what matters is to hold onto that pure, innocent, trusting love that Little Doug carried despite all he went through …

Lynn and Jen F of AHS and Jenny and myself surround Doug with love. Jenny holds him as I stroke his face. Tears are falling and I whisper to him, “Now go run and play in the field.”

Little Doug was a survivor. His story must be told. There is good that has to come out of this. The cycle of violence and abuse must stop.

Sweet lil Doug … you have touched the hearts of so many, and you will forever be with us ….

Thanks to everyone who helped make Doug’s last 48 hours filled with love and as much comfort as possible: to Rory (Leech Lake animal control officer), to Animal Care Clinic in Bemidji, to Nancy and Tom O for picking him up from the clinic and meeting the transport from Red Lake Rez to the cities; to Karen G for making sure little Doug had a place in the Denise’s passenger seat on the transport to the cities; to Dr. Josh, Anne J., Lynn H., Jen F, Melissa C of AHS for your support and kindness and care of little Doug; and to Jenny F for walking along side of me, and your tireless devotion to these precious animals. 

The Journey

I'm taking today off to rest. Yesterday I had surgery to remove a tumor in my left breast. A couple weeks ago I went in for my routine breast MRI (I go in every 6 months now that i'm considered 'high risk') ... this time my surgeon tells me there is an area on the MRI (a 2.5 cm area) that looks like cancer. Compared to an MRI done a couple years ago, that same area which had a speck or two is now a cluster ... so yesterday they drop a wire into the tumor so that my surgeon can easily locate the tumor and remove it. I wake up in surgery to the calm voice of my surgeon .. the last thing I remember was being wheeled into the operating room and saying, "i'm still awake" and noticing the bright lights and all the medical equipment and doctors and nurses in their scrubs.

I am blessed to be surrounded by such a wonderful support system and incredible community. As my sweet girl Ahnung continues to heal from her surgery, we will walk this health journey together, wherever it takes us, as we continue to be supported and held up by such a loving community.

I will hopefully hear from my surgeon tomorrow with the results of the pathology report. At times I wonder if the anxiety of waiting for the results to come in can be worse than whatever the news is ... I remember waiting and waiting for the results of Ahnung's pathology report to come in, and when the call finally came and the somber voice of my vet quietly said, "I'm sorry, I don't have good news for you ..." and as he went on to say a million things, the only words that kept echoing in my head were "she has an aggressive cancer ... invasive adenosquamous carcinoma ..." I remember thinking and wishing I was still waiting for that call, because at least during the wait, there was a part of me that could continue to hope the report would come back benign or at least a treatable cancer. So here I am again, waiting. Somehow, at this very moment I am simply grateful. No matter what my surgeon tells me tomorrow, no matter what the outcome is, I will be okay. I was reading one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems this morning, "The Journey" .... I am so blessed to be living my life's passion; i am so blessed to be serving my community in a way that makes my heart full and so alive; i am so blessed to be surrounded by such a loving and caring community; and i am blessed to be walking this health journey alongside my beloved Ahnung. My prayer and my wish is that I am given the courage and strength to be able to deal, with love, grace and acceptance, whatever direction our journey takes us.

The Journey

By Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice—

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do—

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Ahnung's Celebration of Life

Photo credit: lmj {originals}

Last Sunday, April 22, 2012 I was blessed to have so many people come to celebrate my sweet Ahnung. What a beautiful Celebration of Life party for Ahnung, an incredibly wise, soulful being (whom I believe is angel among us and a northstar for many).

What a gift to have so many come ... special thanks to Lisa Jaster of lmj {originals} for taking photos that captured the essence of the celebration and to Merry Sawdey, Spiritual Director at Sacred Ground of St. Paul, for leading a healing/prayer circle. I chose to make a video sharing photos of Ahnung rather than talk for fear of not being able to hold myself together -- I was right. I got up to welcome everyone for coming and I felt this shooting pain in my heart. The tears started to flow. Yes, we were gathered to celebrate Ahnung and her life, yet the reality of her cancer was overwhelming. I was also so moved to have close to 50 people come to celebrate her life. After the short video, we gathered in a circle. I told Merry that Ahnung would do whatever Ahnung chooses to do. I have come to trust and listen to her wisdom. She weaved in and out of the circle, as if to greet and thank her friends for coming (and probably also to see if they had any treats!), and as Merry began to talk, she walked into the middle of the circle and plopped down a few feet in front of me. Maybe she could feel the pain in my heart. It was as if she was saying, "i'm here. It's okay."

Ahnung and Merry

Merry begins .... " ... Connect to the love in your heart for Ahnung and for Marilou. If you'd like, you can place your hand on  your heart ... We offer our gratitude for Ahnung: her stories, her experience, her warm and healing presence. She is the center of our circle today, the center of our hope for her healing and wholeness. She is also our leader who leads us outward into the world and teaches us to partner with the animals to help other animals and people in need of healing and wholeness. Her name means "star" and she is our north star guiding us by her charm, her beauty and her love ..."

While Aaron (Merry's husband) passes 2 baskets around ... one contains river rocks and the other, stars ... meanwhile, the music "Bright Morning Stars" plays in the background. Merry asks us to choose one rock and hold onto it. As the basket of stars is passed around, she invites us to write the name of a beloved animal on it, living or having passed on, and then place it back in the basket .. "We honor their memory, remember them with love and deep affection, and also ask for their presence to help in this healing circle ..."

"Each person in this circle is wonderfully unique. Each of us brings gifts, strengths, and talents that bring something new and glorious into the world .... Hold your rock, name your gifts, and offer them as a blessing to Ahnung. At the end of the circle, we'll collect the rocks and leave them with Marilou and Ahnung to remind them of our love, gratitude, and wish for their healing and wholeness.


Hold your rock gently and imagine that the gifts we offer are a banquet of delicious food, toys, playtime, leisurely naps, walks and caresses that Ahnung can draw on as she needs to fuel and support her in her journey.


Imagine a long table with a beautiful cloth on it. Each gift is set on the table and offers itself appealingly and lovingly to Ahnung. The gifts remain available to her as long as she might need them, to use in any way that is helpful to her. We trust her to know exactly what she needs in her journey.


Bless the work of Ahnung's doctors and healers. We wish them wisdom, clarity, and grace as they do their work to bring physical healing to Ahnung ..."

I share with you the following video ... the first song contains photos celebrating the 3 beautiful years I have been blessed to share with Ahnung, and the second song contains photos from the Celebration of Life party (many, many thanks again to Lisa Jaster of lmj {original} for joining us, for loving Ahnung and for giving us the gift of your talent to capture Ahnung's big party!! :)

I continue to pray for many more moments with Ahnung.

Learning to find peace in uncertainty

Ahnung waiting patiently to meet
with her oncologist

It's been 10 days since Ahnung had surgery to remove the tumor in her neck. The pathology report came back indicating an aggressive and rare cancer, "invasive adenosquamous carcinoma." We've struggled to keep her stitches in and she had to go back a few times to get stitched back up. This last go around involved being under completely and having her stitches completely re-done, and she ended up with a major wrap around her neck to keep it still. She has done amazingly well. 

This week is an interesting week for both of us as we continue to walk parallel paths in our health journey. Yesterday I met with my heart doctor for my routine 6 month check up. Last May I was told I had a very rare heart disease - Left Ventricular Non Compaction/LVNC ... it was an 'incidental' finding as a result of dealing with electrical rhythm problems in my heart. The electrical problems they were able to take care of with a heart ablation procedure. The LVNC unfortunately is something I have to live with and to keep monitoring closely. Because it is such a rare disease (only .01% of the population has it) there isn't much information on it and conversations regarding treatment and prognosis contain lots of uncertainty ... i'm told, it could be a year, two years, maybe 10 years before noticeable symptoms start showing up. I'm told the best thing I can do right now is aspirin therapy and being monitored closely. It's been an interesting journey for me physically, spiritually and emotionally to come to terms with a serious heart condition (one that in the past has only often been discovered after heart failure and during autopsies) and my own mortality and how fragile and short life is.

Ahnung leaving Lake Harriet Vet
last Friday, 4/20

And last July my sweet  Ahnung got diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through a lumpectomy and because they had good margins we were advised to simply monitor her closely. We were hopeful the cancer had all been removed. Well, a new cancer developed. The oncologist does not believe this cancer is related to the breast cancer. We met with the oncologist this morning. Ahnung has a very rare cancer. My oncologist hasn't even seen this type of cancer before ... according to medical journals there have been 15 cases seen (and they were in Canada). Of these cases, if the cancer has spread to the lymphatic system then prognosis was a couple months; if the cancer had not spread to the lymphatic system prognosis was 30 months. In Ahnung's case, the pathology report indicates it has not spread to the lymphatic system, however, the cancer cells are very aggressive and multiplying rapidly (mitoses is 10 per high power field). The oncologist was honest in that he doesn't really know. It's unusual for another cancer to show up in less than a year; she's also got a very rare cancer. He indicated that if it were his dog he would simply continue to monitor closely. I asked about recurrence ... "hard to say" ... at this point, we can just hope and pray that all the cancer was removed. Even with all this uncertainty I am grateful that Ahnung does not need to go through chemo or radiation. Our biggest hurdle right now is to get her incision to heal so we can remove her wrap and she can romp around freely and play like a puppy with her brother Legacy who desperately misses his play buddy. 

On Thursday I go in for a breast MRI. I'm a little overdue. I've had 3 lumpectomies over the past 2 years. Pathology reports confirm atypical ductal hyperplasia and some say DCIS. It's not in any particular location so radiation isn't an option. I haven't been told anything definitive and have been told that close surveillance continues to be a viable option so I've continued down that path for a couple years. It's a gamble I know. I've been hearing a lot of 'you're high risk' over the past couple years and 'we haven't seen this before' or 'you have a rare disease' or 'we can't explain what caused your stomach erosions or why your kidneys are leaking' ... and 'we can't explain why your pancreas stopped producing lipase and why you weren't able to digest fats' ... just seems like the past two years have been this journey of doctor after doctor, procedure after procedure and a whole lot of unknowns and uncertainty. And now, my sweet, sweet Ahnung is joining me in this crazy health journey.

I have wondered if she is trying to take some of my health issues ... I have asked her not to. I have asked her to let me deal with my own health issues. But i know that we are so bonded and so connected. My spirit and soul are so connected with her ... often I feel like we are one.

I know there is a lesson and a reason for why we are having to walk this journey together. We were blessed to be able to have a party for Ahnung this past Sunday, a Celebration of Life party. It was an incredibly touching and moving party and she was surrounded by friends who love her dearly. A special thanks to Merry Sawdey for leading the healing/prayer circle for Ahnung ... Ahnung will be posting about her party on her blog in the not too distant future :)

So for today, I am simply grateful to have my sweet girl with me. I am grateful she feels good and continues to wag her tail like crazy. And I am grateful for all the love and support we continue to get from so many in the community.