Grief ... the never ending journey

Last night, a dear friend lost his soul mate; the night skies gained a bright new star; and those of us still walking this earth have a new 4-legged guardian angel amongst us.

We are all connected. There are many out there I know who are struggling, who are feeling the excruciating pain of having lost a beloved companion; a soul mate who came to us in the body of a furry 4-legged animal. The loss could have happened yesterday, or 6 months ago, or a year, or even 10 years or more. And this morning, as my heart hurts for the pain my friend is going through, my heart also hurts for Ahnung, and so I reach out to her for her guidance and her healing energy and wisdom.

Ahnung, shortly after she became therapy dog :)

Dear Ahnung,

This walk, this walk through grief, of not having you by my side, has been a journey where my path to desperately reach you is covered with shredded pieces of my heart. You asked me not to say goodbye. You asked me not to think of death as the end. You asked me to not run, to stay with all the emotions that would hit me like a tsunami after you physically left … when the truth is, all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and never come out … and when drowning in my tears and pushing away pain was all I wanted to do. But your words, your Way, your wisdom was telling me to choose a different path. We walked together on this earth for a reason; we were brought together for the short five years we had together for a reason .. for a purpose; this Walk began before you even arrived – I just didn’t know it; and Our Walk continues even after your physical death. And I promised you I would learn to Be with you in a new way; I promised you I would learn to listen in a new way; I promised to honor your memory and to continue what you inspired me to begin with Leech Lake Legacy.

So dear sweet girl … I ask you to wrap your healing, loving, magical energy around all of us hurting.  Walk with us, and hold us up, when the path we are on feels like quicksand; show us that there is a way to reach you and others who have crossed over into the spirit world … Let us feel your presence, and the presence of your friends who dance with you, now free from the limitations of a physical body. Teach us how to listen, and how to trust that peace, joy and hope will prevail in the midst of uncertainty and pain.

Go and find yourself first

So you can also find Me.

Don't run away from grief , o soul

Look for the remedy inside the pain.

because the rose came from the thorn

and the ruby came from a stone.

Rumi

Ahnung comes to visit me in my dreams

Ahnung - July, 2013

We are going on 5 months since my precious Ahnung crossed over into the spirit world. Yes ... there are days where I see the light and I feel joy again in my heart. When I see Legacy leap in the air, and Ishka tear around the back yard with her brother, or drag snow shovels, dog beds and pooper scoopers around the yard, I smile. I believe Ahnung picked Legacy in August, 2011, out of 13 puppies from Leech Lake Reservation who found temporary refuge in my studio till they could move onto the next stage of their journey. I believe Ahnung led me to Ishkode/Ishka, the first surrender at the October 2013 spay/neuter clinic at Leech Lake Reservation - the first clinic without Ahnung physically by my side. There are days I admit when I ask my sweet girl ... did you really think I needed a puppy in my life? A puppy with lots of fire and energy?? :) What happened to bringing a puppy into my life with the same calm presence you had? .... There are days when the pain in my heart is still so fresh, when the tears feel like they will never stop, when I ache for just one more day, one more moment, one more touch. And lately, when I re-read the blog pieces I have written on Anticipatory Grief, I ache too for the days and the months when there was a lot of uncertainty of when the time would come, because in that uncertainty, I still had Ahnung. That Sunday afternoon (August 25, 2013) when I held Ahnung in my arms as we set her spirit free, yes, uncertainty left, and in its place came a feeling so heavy, a pain so deep and a desire to run from the sensation of my heart being shredded into a million pieces.

But the gift Ahnung gave me in our Final Walk together was a chance to prepare for this moment, and how to walk through the journey of grief in a new way. I could hear her telling me, 'Stand. Four feet on the ground. Let the tears flow through you ..... I am in your tears; i am in the rocks, the squirrels, in Legacy, in Ishka ... and in every animal you bring down on transport from Leech Lake and Red Lake reservations."

I have wanted Ahnung to come visit me in my dreams. As we approach 5 months, she finally came to visit me in my dreams last night. She came with Ishka and we were at Lake Harriet Vet. Ishka was busy getting lots of attention from the staff. Meanwhile, out of the side of my eye I saw Ahnung opening up a file cabinet. She used her mouth to grab the knob and pulled the cabinet door open ... and stashed in front of files was a big bag of chips! I called over to her, and she turned around and looked at me. I walked over to her and she plopped her body down and leaned her body against me. She looked up at me with those eyes that would just pierce through me ... those eyes that spoke to my soul and made us one; our eyes connected, and I held her. Together. We were together again ... and then I woke up.

Shadow and Light Source Both

~ Rumi

How does a part of the world leave the world?

How does wetness leave water? Don't try to

put out fire by throwing on more fire! Don't

wash a wound with blood. No matter how fast

you run, your shadow keeps up. Sometimes it's

in front! Only full overhead sun diminishes

your shadow. But that shadow has been serving

you. What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is

your candle. Your boundaries are your quest.

I could explain this, but it will break the

glass cover on your heart, and there's no

fixing that. You must have shadow and light

source both. Listen, and lay your head under

the tree of awe. When from that tree feathers

and wings sprout on you, be quieter than

a dove. Don't even open your mouth for even a coo.

Legacy and Ahnung
Joy Session by Sarah Beth Photography - August, 2012

Ishka

I decided to see if there was something symbolic about why Ahnung appeared to me in my dream last night ... I went through some old blog posts. A year ago today, Ahnung woke me up with a blood curdling cry ... there is intention and purpose, once again as to why my sweet girl appeared to me in my dream last night.

Blog post from a year ago:
http://mariloureflects.blogspot.com/2013/01/awakening-to-wild-cry.html