Thursday, November 9, 2017

Thank you Mister for the Gift of Joy

Before I left for California I asked Mister to please guide me in my decision. To let me know if it was okay for me to go ... despite X-rays showing cancer had clearly spread, he showed no signs of difficulty breathing and other than the same limp he had which did not stop him, he was joyful Mister. He was telling me to go. I went through an incredible amount of internal struggle and turmoil. I was willing to cancel this trip even though I knew how important it was on so many levels on this next part of my life's journey. Over and over the signs he kept giving me were, 'Go mom. This is important work you are doing. Go.' So I went to Strozzi ranch in northern California to spend 5 intense days in a dojo ('a place of awakening') to study and train and practice being in this world in a new Way, an embodied way. I was in a place and a circle and a tribe of teachers, colleagues and friends who were able to hold space in a way I could bring all of me out; to shake and cry at the beginning and to make a request for 30 loving, open beings to hold my beloved Mister in healing light; to pray. I learned I could carry grief and worry ... and I could also be present, and I could also be joyful and feel Mister's joyfulness work through me.

On Saturday morning I woke up with a powerful feeling of Joy in my heart; I could feel Mister's Joy. I shared that morning in the dojo, how I could feel Mister so powerfully ... I could feel him beginning to transition. That day I was infused with his Joy.

Before I left for California, I told my boy that if he needed to set his spirit free while I was gone, that it was okay. I said my goodbyes. I knew in my heart, he was safe in the loving hands of my partner Joannie and my friends Laura and Abra. I told them I trusted them; that if Mister took a turn and it was clear it was time to go, that I trusted them to make the best decision for Mister; that I did not want him to suffer; that I will be okay because I am with him from wherever I am.

As I return to text messages shared between us, I see that it was Saturday when Mister began to show more signs of pain. That morning was when I woke up sensing his JOY so powerfully and knew in my gut he was beginning his journey to transition. With additional meds and under the loving care of Joannie he was able to get comfortable and rest. I asked J to look Mister in the eye and to ask him what he is saying. She said, he is saying he is tired. I asked if he is saying, Is it time? She said, not yet.

I am so grateful for Joannie wrapping Mister in healing, white light ... he had begun his journey to transition, yet it is clear now he wanted me to be in California to train and practice in this new path I have embarked on. He didn't want me to worry. He was waiting for me.

The image I have of Mister before I got on my flight Monday afternoon in CA was Mister laying on his back in Mister style. He didn't want me to worry on the flight. Joannie tells me 20 minutes after I got on the plane Mister began to take a clear turn. He knew I was coming home. He knew it was okay to let go. He knew his work was done. He also knew I needed to be home so I could be there with him and J. He knew I needed to go to CA, to continue my training so I could learn to live in a new way and to have a tribe and community of mentors, teachers, colleagues deeply committed to living life, fully and embodied and facing into our fears, pain, hurt, traumas and not running, freezing or numbing ourselves .. to have a community and tribe who could support me in moving through this grief in a new way.

Dear sweet Mister, thank you for being my teacher. Your spirit of JOY is infused in my being and my cells. Your work here on earth is done sweet boy. Your work continues from the spirit world. I carry and take your teachings with me, and I will continue the work you have begun.

Rest. Play. Run.

Beautiful Boy. Beautiful Soul. Beautiful Being.

I honor you. I celebrate you. I am You.

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