And so I did I what I have done for years. I wrote.
So Mister, these words are for you, for the gift of inviting my teacher Grief back. For your lessons that continue beyond your physical presence; for the teachings and support that reach back into places where more healing is asking for my attention; for the invitation to swirl and unravel so I may transform.
Grief unravels you
Creates new wounds
He rips the scabs off of old wounds
Grief is a shape shifter.
He is everywhere.
He becomes the first snowfall
The sound of lapping water.
The dog bowl, left on the counter, waiting to be filled.
He becomes the one lonely pair of shoes that finds its way into the backyard.
He becomes all of everything and everyone you have lost - longed for.
He becomes the 4 year old aching for her Papa; the teenager reaching for alcohol to numb the pain; the emerging adult looking, desperately. to fill the void she does not even know exist.
Grief becomes memories that make you smile, and rip your heart, in the exact same moment.
He becomes all that is, was and is yet to become.
Grief unravels you.
Grief exposes you.
Grief challenges you – pushes you to the edge of all that you know and into the space of who you are yet to become.
He invites you.
He swallows you.
He asks of you what you think you do not have.
Grief creates a hole in your heart
The size of a crater.
You stand at the edge of what was ‘normal’; of what is now trembling ground; at the edge of unknowing, questions, uncertainty.
Grief reaches his hand out.
“Dance with me”, he says.
There is glows that surrounds him.
There is a glow from deep inside him.
There is a glow extending out and into me.
And so I stand at the edge ...
I stand, an observer of the intersection of life's complexities, multiplicities, mysteries.
One hand over my heart. One hand extended.
I look Grief in the eye.
I fall into my wounds, old and new.
Thank you Grief (and Mister and Papa and Ahnung and Piper and Shen and Shadow and Splat), and so many more who have crossed over) for the invitation to unravel and to face into that which scares me; to experience vitality and aliveness in my deepest sorrow and invigorating joy; to surrender and rest in the mystery and miracles of life and death.