Sunday, June 6, 2010

Open Heart

As I sat quietly in my room this morning, I felt a flurry of emotions --- emotions I have struggled to push away. My brain kicks in, takes over - "stay in control." For almost a week now I have once again struggled with extreme fatigue. By early evening I am exhausted; by around 6:30 or 7 pm I am falling asleep. My partner and I had a drumming event we attended last night ... I knew that I would be out late and had to take an afternoon nap, yet I still felt wiped out. My body feels drained.

I always fight my tears. My partner is the exact opposite: Open Heart. She tells me, it's okay to cry; it's good to cry. I'm afraid to cry. I think i'm afraid that I will no longer be able to stop the tears and the pain will bury me alive. I have been seeing this incredible energy healer for 4 months now. She often asks me "where is your body carrying the pain? where is your body holding your emotions?" My acupuncturist asks me the same thing ... she confirms for me that my body holds so much in "my gut". As I closed my eyes this morning, I could actually see grief, loss, pain ... a fire in my gut. A knowing came to me ... no wonder my pancreas has shut down. My pancreas has been fighting so hard for years to carry my grief, my pain, my loss. No wonder I have pre cancer cells in my breast. My heart is screaming to be set free. I feel fire in my belly.

Yet how do I set my heart free. How do I break free from the chains that have taught me how to survive? I know that Ahnung ( my sweet therapy dog) and all my previous and current animals are doing just that ... teaching me to open my heart up. I know that God sent me my partner who has the biggest heart.

I feel pulled this morning to return to St. Joan and to attend the morning mass. I will listen to this pull. I will listen for God's whispers ...

Staying in control is exactly what is causing cells in my body to lose control. I must let go. I must trust in God and in what is simply meant to be, whatever that is.

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