Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Making room ...

On Friday I went in for a breast MRI. I had hoped I would get a clear scan and that the 2 lumpectomies I've had in the past year would have removed any potential cancer or recurrence.... early Monday morning I received a call. MRI indicates a new tumor has grown in the same area of the previous lumps. Now the journey to check on whether it is or isn't cancer begins. On Friday I go in for an ultrasound and possible biopsy. Shortly after that I follow up with my surgeon. I can feel a new lump in the same area as the other two.

In the past mammograms and ultrasounds have all been negative, showing nothing. I am grateful for my surgeon who noticed a suspicious lump and insisted on removing the entire lump and surrounding tissue. Only by looking down to the cellular level were they able to find that my cells had started changing and going awry and becoming more like cancer cells. But the lumps were removed before crossing that line of cancer .... this last go around, I was still lucky ... closer to the line (borderline DCIS) but nonetheless, still on the other side.

So this go around ... will I be as "lucky?"

I've been struggling in my mind to make room for whatever is to become ... and I was reminded of this beautiful poem by Rumi, The Guest House. It will become a part of my daily meditation and prayer.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning has a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi

It feels like my "house" is being re-arranged right now .... for many different reasons. I have a new guest knocking on my door right now. At times I want to slam the door shut on this guest. One way or another these guests will make themselves at home .... it's up to me to welcome them in so we can find a place for them  and so we can live in harmony. 

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