Life's journey - uncertainty, trust, intention, purpose, passion

It's been a while since I have written for my blog. My blog ... my writing ... was such an important part of my journey as I prepared for the eventual crossing over to the spirit world of my soul dog, Ahnung. We are approaching the 2 year anniversary of when I held my sweet girl, surrounded by friends and a community, as she took her last breath and set her body free. It is time to begin writing again.

The pain, the grief of losing Ahnung was so deep but my sweet girl taught me so much about living, watching, listening ... Being. Letting Go. And that first night without her I wanted to run from the pain; my heart felt like it was being put through a shredder. That night, I prayed that my heart would stopping beating so I could be with my Ahnung. I wanted to drink again. I wanted to numb a pain I didn't know what to do with, but then I kept 'hearing' and experiencing and feeling Ahnung's presence and energy and wisdom .... asking me to simply 'Stay. Be.' 

And I promised Ahnung I wouldn't run from the pain and the darkness and the demons that would rear their ugly head (alcohol, old ways of coping ...). My prayers changed, 'Ahnung, I need you. Teach me to feel you when I can't see you. Teach me to listen and to keep my heart open.  Teach me to be okay with standing still, closing my eyes, and trusting, that yes, this pain shall pass. Teach me to ride the waves of grief, to make friends with grief, to honor and embrace that which hurts me and scares me ... Teach me to simply trust, to let go, to Be Okay with having you ripped from my life ... my heart ... just 5 short years after you came to be with me. This chapter has ended, but you tell me, there is still so much more to come in the Book of Life.

It has been a journey. The waves of grief almost drowned me but I could feel Ahnung's energy and presence every step of the way. She was my life jacket and my guide through the darkest moments. 

On October 11, 2013 (just 6 weeks after Ahnung's crossing over to the spirit world) and on the 5 year anniversary (October 11, 2008) when I met her for the first time at Red Lake Reservation .. I believe she guided a puppy to me. There were many times I remember saying, 'Ahnung, I wonder what you were like as a puppy.' Ahnung was around 2 years old when she came into my life in 2008 (many thanks to a dear friend and a Red Lake elder, Karen Good, of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue). She had just had a litter of 8 puppies and we soon found out she had heart worm, lymes, coccidia, no front teeth (apparently grinding it down in search of food), and pellets in one of her nipples and in her chest. Karen told me the day she introduced me to Ahnung, 'There's something special about this one, Marilou.' And exactly 5 years later, Karen happened to be at Leech Lake Reservation with me when this puppy was surrendered by a Leech Lake tribal member. The puppy looked so much like Ahnung. I did NOT want a puppy nor was I ready to bring another dog into my household ... but there were too many signs I couldn't ignore: she was the first surrender, she looks just like Ahnung, the day the puppy is surrendered happens to be the exact day (October 11) of when I first met Ahnung. There were actually 2 puppies surrendered but I felt an immediate bond to this one puppy. I had my other Leech Lake rez dog Legacy with me and he does not do well with all dogs so I told myself, if Legacy doesn't like this puppy then I can't bring her home because my commitment is to Legacy. The first time Legacy met this little puppy, they immediately bonded. I am sure not a coincidence .. the work again, of Ahnung. 

As I struggled with what to do, I received guidance from two elders. Karen Good (Red Lake elder) said to me, 'Marilou, sometimes it's not up to us' .... and a friend who is a Leech Lake elder said to me, 'Pray to Ahnung. Ask her to guide you.' 

I didn't feel ready but I asked Ahnung and it was clear I needed to bring this puppy home. She also guided me to name this puppy 'fire' in ojibwe, and so I did .. I named the puppy, Ishkode (Ish-ko-day). 

It became clear to me why Ahnung brought Ishkode (aka 'Ishka') to me and why she wanted me to name her 'fire.' This puppy was a bundle of energy and full of fire. She made me laugh (and yes, made me scream in frustration as she would drag gutters off of my house, dig her way out of the yard, drag shovels and dog houses around the yard ...). Ahnung gave me 6 weeks to grieve, and then she dropped a puppy in my lap. It's almost 2 years now since Ishka has been with me and there is no doubt she has her own personality but there is without a doubt Ahnung's energy, spirit and wisdom sprinkled and in her being. 

I now know why Ahnung brought Ishkode to me. Yes, to help me in my healing journey and to bring joy and laughter into my heart again .. but now I realize that it is also because Ishkode needs to continue the work she began up at Leech Lake Reservation. Ishka needs to continue her work of being an ambassador dog for reservation dogs, to help in healing, and to be a voice for her people ... so Ishkode and I are now working towards becoming a pet therapy team. 

There is a new chapter beginning in our Book of Life. This chapter reads, 'Ishkode: Igniting the fire of passion and purpose.'

In a volunteer capacity, I have been actively involved in animal welfare for the past 9 years. My work and passion have now expanded to being a voice not just for animals but for tribal nations. Ahnung has guided me to take on a new role as Vice President of Community Healing Programs for The Native America Humane Society and with Ahnung's guidance and the fire of Ishkode, my hope is that I can be of service to tribal communities and indigenous people and their animals.

Stay tuned for Ahnung's work to continue, through the spirit and fire of the little Leech Lake rez puppy she chose .... may the adventures begin!! :)

Ahnung - photo by Sarah Beth Photography

Ishkode - October, 2013

Ishkode - August, 2015

Ishkode and Legacy - rez buddies

Ahnung's gift to me .... Ishkode (means 'fire' in ojibwemowin)

Ishkode (ISH ko day)

I headed up to Leech Lake last Thursday ... my first spay/neuter and wellness clinic without my Ahnung. There was a heaviness in my heart as I packed on Wednesday night as memories of my sweet girl came flooding in my heart. She has been the fire and the inspiration behind my work serving the animals and pet owners of Leech Lake Reservation . But I could feel Ahnung telling me I needed to go. It had been over 6 weeks since she crossed over to the spirit world. She left me 2 weeks after our last clinic in August ... my gut tells me Ahnung orchestrated the timing of everything that has happened. She knew I needed to be surrounded by a community of friends and so she guided me to continue on with her Final Celebration of Life party on August 25 at the Animal Humane Society ... where we celebrated her life and where I held her, surrounded by friends, as she took her last breath and I felt the weight of her head fall into my arms. I promised her I would embrace the grief, as painful as it was, because I knew it was what she wanted me to do so that I could keep my heart open. And so the journey through grief has been a very difficult and painful one, but every step of the way I felt Ahnung with me and she has shown her presence to me in different ways.

So on this last trip up to Leech Lake I brought Legacy with me because I needed to feel her presence with me. I look at Legacy and he reminds me of the joy he brought to Ahnung and their playful relationship. We arrived at the Country Inn at Walker on Thursday around 4:00 pm. I checked in and unloaded my car and decided I needed to go for a walk along the same path Ahnung and I had walked by Leech Lake. It was a beautiful fall day. On the one hand I was excited about our next clinic and being up at Leech Lake Reservation and being around a loving community ... on the other hand, I ached for Ahnung and needed to just feel her with me. So Legacy and I went for a walk. "Just Be with all the emotions ... don't run." Ahnung has continued to guide me from the spirit world and to give me the strength to continue the work she began.

Leech Lake

We continued walking ... as the trees opened up and we could catch a full view of Leech Lake up above us I saw what appeared to be a large bird flying towards us. At first I couldn't tell what kind of bird it was. It flew closer and closer to us. In moments, the bald eagle swooped down and hovered right above us. There was a momentary pause, and in that instance all I could feel and sense was Ahnung. 'I'm here." And the eagle flew away. There was no beginning or end, or life or death in that moment. We were One. I said outloud, 'miigwech (thank you) Ahnung' ... and my heart was filled with her spirit and I knew I was exactly where I needed to be ... continuing the work at Leech Lake Reservation.

Legacy and I continued our walk and then headed to meet the others at the Leech Lake Tribal Police headquarters to set up and prepare for our 6th spay/neuter and wellness clinic at Leech Lake Reservation. On Friday, day 1 of the clinic, around noon time we had our first surrendered pup brought in. A Leech Lake resident arrived with two puppies. I happened to be out front at the intake desk when the pups were surrendered. My heart stopped momentarily when I saw the puppies .. one

of them in particular reminded me of Ahnung. At the moment I felt Ahnung's spirit again. The pups were given wellness checks and their initial vaccinations by one of our volunteer vets, Dr. Heather. Both were covered with ticks. Was Ahnung trying to tell me something?

On Friday I would take the little pup out ... the resemblance of little Athena to Ahnung was remarkable: she had the same markings and even has a little white tip on her tail and a white splotch on her back. Over and over again throughout Friday and into Saturday I was being asked if I would be taking her home. I kept saying 'no'. My head said there is no way I could bring a puppy into my home. I wasn't ready to take on raising a puppy yet I didn't know if Ahnung was trying to send me signs. On Saturday, Karen Good (Ahnung's rescuer and a Red Lake elder from Red Lake Reservation) was at our clinic. She too asked if I would be taking baby Nung home (that soon became her name at the clinic).

Ishkode and Legacy

I said I just couldn't. She looked at me, and with the same wise elder look she gave me when I first met her in 2008 and also met Ahnung, she said calmly and purposefully, "Ahnung is giving you many signs. Marilou, I would seriously think about it. Sometimes it is no longer our choice." Later that night, I introduced Legacy to baby Nung. I trusted Ahnung would guide me .... Legacy can be temperamental with some dogs and I have to watch him with new dogs he meets. He and baby Nung hit it off within minutes.

That night in my hotel room I tossed and turned. Ahnung, please guide me ... please let me know what I need to do. And then the thought occurred to me that it was in October, 2008 when I first met Ahnung up at Red Lake Reservation. I didn't remember the exact day in October. I got out of bed and looked up the first photo I took of Ahnung in 2008 .... October 11, 2008. I felt chills run through my body. It was exactly 5 years ago. Ahnung was clearly leading me to the puppy. I could hear her telling me I needed to name the puppy 'fire' in ojibwemowin, the language of the Anishinaabe people.

So Sunday morning I brought baby Nung home with me. Her name is now Ishkode (ISH ko day) which means 'fire' in ojibwemowin. There are striking resemblances between Ishkode and Ahnung not just in appearance but in personality. I know Ishkode will have her own unique personality ... but she, like Ahnung, has those wise soulful eyes. And when I hold Ishkode, I feel Ahnung's presence even stronger. I didn't plan on bringing a puppy home, but apparently Ahnung must feel like Ishkode must walk alongside of me so that we can continue the work we are doing at Leech Lake Reservation. So sweet nung-nung, I am sorry I kept resisting the idea of bringing little Ish home .. I am sorry I needed you to send me more signs. I needed to be sure that this is what you wanted me to do. I hear you sweet girl and I will continue to keep listening. I had always wondered what Ahnung looked like as a pup .. well, looks like she has given me the answer.

There will be many more stories forth coming ... Ahnung's spirit continues to live on, both in Legacy, Ishkode, me ... and in an entire community of people. Miigwech Ahnung for continuing to guide us all from the spirit world.

Ahnung - July, 2013

Ishkode exploring the backyard

Ishkode's first trip to Woody's Pet Food Deli