Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Hitting the Pause button
There has been a lot of loss lately ... some expected, some unexpected.
New doors continue to open and the possibilities of big dreams I've had are starting to feel like they are within reach. I'm a dreamer. I believe anything is possible. I also believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and in the time frame it needs to happen, even as painful as it might. Losing Ahnung last August 25, 2013 was without a doubt, one of the deepest losses I have had to endure .... but I believe she came into my life for a reason, and she moved onto the spirit world that Sunday afternoon because her work was done here in the physical world, and it was time for her to continue her work from a different plane. It's human nature to want to know what know what will happen .. to feel like we are in control. I remember my first true encounter with 'letting go' ... it was on October 1, 1988 when I finally accepted that I couldn't control my drinking and I returned to an AA meeting. I had tried to give up drinking 2 years prior, and as months passed I found myself thinking, 'I can control my drinking; i can drink in moderation; only weak people can't control what they do.' I was drinking to be someone else .. someone more fun and outgoing; i was drinking because I didn't want to feel pain; i was drinking because in all honesty I was afraid to feel. And so yes, I relapsed. And unbeknownst to me, I began a downward spiral into the deep, dark abyss.
I'll be honest, the thought of even going to an AA meeting was absurd to me ..... but I had reached the end of my rope and was trying desperately to hang on [I wrote a blog post shortly after the passing of Robin Williams, 'The Courage to Stay': http://mariloureflects.blogspot.com/2014/08/the-courage-to-stay.html that shares more about the night of my last drink]. I guess that was my 'bottom' ... at least that's what I used to call it. But now I look back at those years, and those incredibly painful moments, and I realize I needed to go through it to get to where I am today, and to become the person I am today. I needed to simply ... let go .. i needed to surrender to something larger than me. And yes, in AA terms, I needed to surrender to a 'higher power'. Letting go. Two words that were the most difficult things for me to do, and quite honestly, my inability to do so, nearly cost me my life.
We all have our own journeys, and yes, our own baggage and wounds .. some fresh, some so old we don't even know they are there. And so, I meditate and I write every morning, because it is my way of grounding myself and reminding myself that my job is simply to quiet the busyness of my mind so that I can feel my heart ... and to listen to the signs and the messages that come to us in so many different ways .... and to trust that the journey I am on today is exactly where I need to be. And I remind myself every morning to find joy in the questions .. asking questions and living the questions.
And so ... as another day begins .... I invite you to hit the pause button .. i invite you to listen to the whispers .. i invite you to let go. It is what saved my life. And who knows what it might do for you??