Saturday, January 25, 2014

Listening to the spirit of Ahnung: Pay attention to my heart

On my drive home from the Animal Humane Society around 5 pm last night I was hit with a blast of fatigue. We were having a day of warmth in Minnesota … temperatures in the 30s versus the sub-zero temperatures we’ve been having, and are due to have again today. It was also snowing and the roads were getting slick. As I sat at the stoplight on highway 55 waiting to turn left onto highway 100 south, fatigue hit me surprisingly. I remember thinking momentarily, I need to just close my eyes for a minute. Then I shook my head, turned up the radio and rolled my window for a blast of cold air to wake me up. I could also feel a heaviness in my heart, a physical heaviness. It’s been 2.5 years since my diagnosis with  left ventricular non compaction, a rare heart disease .. no cure, not much known, and ‘the main target of treatment is prevention of heart failure and thromboembolic events.’ Just a couple weeks ago, I received a pamphlet in the mail from my health insurance company titled ‘Managing heart failure.’ Last night, I wondered for a moment, ‘is it my heart?’ And returned to the moment of staying awake and directing everything I had to driving in congested traffic and snowy conditions.

I made it home and after taking care of the pups, found myself on the couch unable to function. I just wanted to sleep. It was as if someone had given me a shot of anesthesia to knock me out.

I woke up early this morning to another vivid dream. I had a dream of a mother deer and her 2 baby fawns. I was in a forest and they were keeping a distance from me; something had scared them and the mother deer skipped off, into the woods followed by her babies. But then they stopped, and their eyes were fixated on me. Seconds later, the mother deer galloped towards me. I feared for a moment she was coming directly towards me. She ran past me, barely missing me, and off into the woods again. It was clear she had no intention of harming me – she simply wanted to get my attention. Her 2 fawns followed her, but they stopped. One of them came up to me. The baby fawn turned into a wolf …. She came up to me, pawing at me. I was mesmerized I was interacting with a ‘wild’ animal. And then I woke up from my dream.

The vivid nature of the dream caught my attention this morning. I could feel Ahnung’s presence. She’s communicating with me from the spirit world. Listen Marilou. Listen.
Karl waiting for treats!
Is it a coincidence that I experienced debilitating fatigue after leaving AHS where I was meeting my friends Barbara and Sharon who are going to foster and provide hospice care to Karl, a 5 year old big black dog from Leech Lake Reservation, who was diagnosed with heart failure? Is it a coincidence that just yesterday, I finally got my estate planning in order to ensure the legacy I want to leave behind is all in place and I sent an email with directions on what needs to take place to the Leech Lake Legacy board?

Ahnung lived her life with purpose and intention. She guided me when she was here in physical form. She continues to guide me from the spirit world. I don’t know where my path is going to lead me … or how much more time I will be blessed to have walking this amazing planet. I have been able to put my diagnosis of ‘heart failure’ in the background for the past months. Maybe Ahnung is trying to remind me to bring it back to the forefront … to at least be aware of it .. to notice …. to listen. Maybe she brought Karl? Maybe her spirit is sprinkled in Karl, a gentle giant who showed us yesterday when we picked him up, that he is VERY treat motivated, and will even shake for treats … hmmm, that was a special Ahnung trick too!

Thank you Ahnung for continuing to guide me and for bringing Karl, and the deer (and 2 fawns) and the wolf to my presence. The deer symbolizes gentleness, unconditional love and kindness .. and Native American and Celtic custom regard the wolf as the way of finding the deepest levels of self, of inner knowing and intuition. I hear you sweet girl …. I don’t know where this path I am on will take me, but I know that you will guide me. You are my guiding star sweet girl … my north star, and I am okay with wherever our journey takes us.

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