Saturday, November 16, 2013

Reaching for my star

Dear sweet Ahnung,

How can I both hurt so deeply and ache for your presence, your touch, your calm presence, while at the same time carry joy at the innocence, curiosity of the fire in Ishkode?

Shortly after we set your spirit free I didn’t think the tears would ever stop; the pain in my heart would go away; and I lived with the quiet, voice inside of me that so desperately wanted to go with you … for my spirit to soar alongside of you because the thought of  walking this earth without you physically by my side was too much for me to bear. I prayed. I repeated to myself, over and over again, the words we shared with kids we used to visit in schools …. ‘when life gets too much. When the pain is too much and all you feel is darkness around you … look up into the night skies for the brightest star and Ahnung, your Ahnung, will guide you.” For many days and many nights that wasn’t enough. But I made a promise to you sweet girl. I promised to set your spirit free when it was time; I promised to hold you and love you when your spirit was set free; I promised to keep my heart open even when dagger pains in my heart screamed at me to harden my heart; I promised to embrace the pain …. And to learn to listen and feel you and to Be with you in a new way. Sweet girl, I am learning. I feel your spirit so strongly in the studio where we spent your last nights; I feel your spirit in little Ishka; and I smile because I remember how I used to say to myself, “I so wish I knew what Ahnung was like as a puppy.” And now I know.

You are my guiding star sweet girl. You are the guiding star for the many people whose hearts you have touched. You are the guiding star for the work we are doing at Leech Lake Legacy, and you are my fire and my inspiration.

This morning … my heart just aches for you and I just need a reminder from you that you are still with me.

And on this early Saturday morning, before the sun rises, as I meditate and sit quietly I hear you … ‘Listen. Listen. … in the silence you will hear me. In the trees, in the falling leaves, in the heart beat of Ishkode, in the changing season, in the water, in the rocks .. in the eagles ... I am here.’

Keep knocking,
and the joy inside will eventually open a window …..

Go and find yourself first
So you can also find Me.

Don't run away from grief , o soul
Look for the remedy inside the pain.
because the rose came from the thorn
and the ruby came from a stone.


and so sweet girl, continue to teach me to walk and to Be with you in a new way.

Ishkode carries Ahnung's spirit

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