After Ahnung was diagnosed with mammary cancer in July, 2011
I didn’t know how much longer I would have her. When I was diagnosed in April,
2011 with a rare heart disease (left ventricular non compaction) that would
lead to heart failure with an unknown time of when that would happen, or when
the disease would progress … would it come slowly, would it hit me suddenly? ..
I too wondered how much time I would have on this precious planet.
In 2011 a new acquaintance came into our lives, Uncertainty.
I admit when Uncertainty crashed down our doors, she wasn’t really welcome. She
snuck in through our back doors. Since then she has made it clear she is here
to stay in our lives. She has made herself comfortable in our living room, in
our studio, in our den, in our dining room. In April, 2012 with Ahnung’s second
diagnosis with cancer – this time a rare, aggressive cancer (invasive
adenosquamous carcinoma) – I once again went through a rush of emotions: fear,
anger, deep sadness, and yes, anticipatory grief lingered with me. We had a
Celebration of Life party for Ahnung in April, 2012 and every special event or
day was a significant celebration for us. We went to the 2nd
spay/neuter and vaccination clinic in August, 2012 up at Leech Lake
Reservation; we celebrated Thanksgiving … and shortly after Thanksgiving and
after I returned from visiting my mother in the Philippines, I learned Ahnung’s
cancer had metastasized to her lungs. Another jolt with Uncertainty. We tried
chemo for a month to no avail … but yes, we still celebrated Christmas and at
the end of 2012, made the decision to stop chemo and together we would walk the
Final Walk together. I realize now that our acquaintance, Uncertainty, was no
longer an acquaintance … she was now a friend, a family member. She too has
been walking with us on this Final Walk, guiding us and teaching us along the
way.
We celebrated a New Year on January 1, 2013 and in the back
of my head I am always asking … will this be my last New Year’s with Ahnung?
Whenever I fast forward, I imagine a day without my Ahnung, my north star, and
the sharpest, deepest pain cuts straight through my heart. Uncertainty reminds
me we don’t know how our stories, or Ahnung’s story, will unfold. She reminds
me to embrace her and to live in the moment. She reminds me how I feared Ahnung
wouldn’t be around much longer after her first diagnosis with cancer in July,
2011; how I thought her Celebration of Life party in April, 2012 would be her
only Celebration of Life Party … and yet, in April, 2013 we had yet another
amazing Celebration of Life party for Ahnung. My precious girl was also able to
go with me to the 3rd spay/neuter clinic we had up at Leech Lake
Reservation in March, 2013 and we are gearing up for our 4th clinic
next week at Leech Lake.
Ahnung continues to feel great and to be so full of life.
Yesterday, she was rolling around in the backyard, playing with her brother
Legacy. Moments later I see her take off and instigate a play of chase with
Legacy. With 2 luxating patella and arthritis in her back, I fear Ahnung will
hurt herself so I immediately run out into the yard and put a stop to their
game of chase, much to their dismay. I recall how one of her young friends,
Ian, introduced Ahnung to his friends at the Family Fun Night event we were
blessed to be a part of at St. Mark’s Episcopal church …. With a big smile on
his face he said, “and this is Ahnung. She has cancer. But she doesn’t know she
has cancer.” Later that night Ian learned how to make a medicine wheel .. the
theme for the night
Ahnung and Ian at her 2nd Celebration of Life Party |
Ahnung has already defied the odds. As of March, 2013 the
largest tumor in her lungs is now 4 cm. It’s been another 2 months since her
chest x-ray … who knows how large the tumors are in her lungs at this point, or
even if they are still there. I have decided I don’t need to have an x-ray to dictate
how I feel. What I need to do is to simply Be here for Ahnung, to listen to her
with all my senses, and to notice if she has any symptoms … what I do know is
that today, she is full of life and she is pain free and symptom free. Tomorrow,
or later today, who knows … but what matters, is today, this moment. And so it
goes … this precious moment, and the next precious moment, and the next ....
and when I string all the amazing precious moments together they create the
most colorful, soul-filled memories.
So to our friend Uncertainty … Thank you for walking with us
on this Final Walk. Thank you for taking us on the scenic, joyous,
adventuresome route. And thank you for being our Guide, our Mentor, our
Teacher.
The hardest part of loving is losing. But please don't let the thought of losing her taint the time you have left to make more wonderful memories. Just as you've given her something amazing, she's given back to you and many more. Know that many love you both, and are thankful for the time you've had and the time you have left.
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