Marilou's reflections: November 2023

A little over 3 months ago I had surgery to repair my ruptured achilles tendon. Somewhere along my life’s journey I learned to not depend on others. That giving was much easier for me than receiving. That putting others ahead of me came without even thinking. That to ask for help was a sign of weakness? Was it because I grew in the beautiful country of Thailand, in a country and culture where community and “We” came before “I”? Was it because I was let down and disappointed when I built up the courage to ask for help? Was it because as a little girl I remember feeling so alone, huddled in the corner of my room crying and praying someone would hear me and come to comfort me - and no one came? Whatever the reason, I have to come to learn that asking for help and support makes my body contract and I have also learned it is okay to ask for support. That yes, some will let me down but not everyone will. That harm caused by one or a few does not mean harm will be caused by all.

With my achilles rupture and after surgery I would not be able to walk or put any weight on my injured leg for 2 weeks and the recovery would be months … with 3 pups and living alone there was no way I would be able to manage on my own. I got uncomfortable and asked for support. A dear friend of mine watched and cared for one of my pups - the young active one :). My sister flew into town and stayed with me for a couple weeks to help care for me and my other two pups. I would not have been able to manage without the support of family and friends. Friends came by to bring food to just hang out with me. My neighbor picked up my mail and wheeled my trash, recycling and compost bins to the end of my driveway. Every day I had to practice leaning in and resting into the warmth and beauty of being held and supported … to not push it away. The achilles tendon is the thickest and strongest tendon in the body. Amazing how I took my achilles tendon for granted until the day she ruptured on the tennis court. My love and appreciation for the strength and role of my achilles tendon has shifted drastically … I have also had to practice deep patience in the healing journey. 13 weeks post surgery I am still unable to do a single leg calf raise. What I AM able to do which brings me great joy is return to my morning walks to the water … I rotate taking my beautiful pups (Legacy, Ishkode and Migizi). Quality time with each of them by the water and now walks to welcome the day and the sun as she wakes up and emerges over the horizon.

I have come to love and appreciate my achilles. I am learning to listen and pay attention to all the teachings and lessons from this injury, from allowing others into my circle to support me; to receiving; to persist and know that healing is not linear; to appreciate all parts of my body especially parts I have taken for granted; to honor and remember to live in balance and in harmony … the achilles is the tendon that allows me to balance on my feet and I am learning to notice every ligament and muscle around my achilles .. the weak spots that require more attention from me to strengthen her … my daily exercises focus on strength and balance and being patient with that which is weak within me and to love all within me, both strong and weak.

Some day I will be able to do a single leg calf raise and when that day arrives I will celebrate and express deep gratitude for the beautiful tendon that is teaching me Balance, Persistence, Grace, and Connection.

My achilles has given me the gift of awakening me to how this magnificent tendon is a reflection of my life in mind, body, heart and spirit.