Please stop sweet girl ...

Last night my sweet Ahnung woke me up at 3 am. Unlike her siblings she likes to sleep in the hallway downstairs. I close my bedroom door to keep Mister from wandering around. At 3 am I hear a purposeful scratch on my door. I get out of bed thinking Ahnung needs to go potty. I open the door and she is intently looking at me. She lays down. "You need to go potty sweet girl?" She continues to look at me without moving. "What is it?" I get down on my knees and hold her. Her tail is slowly wagging and her eyes are locked on me. I ask her if she wants to come in the bedroom. She continues to gaze intently at me. I can feel her trying to tell me something. After a few minutes I decide to return to bed and leave the bedroom door open so she can come and go as she pleases. She continues to lay at the doorway.

And this morning she has been following me around the house and spending more time by the healing river rocks in the living room.

About a month ago I discovered a new lump in my breast. It was days before Ahnung ended up at the emergency vet and what prompted me to see my surgeon. I've been hovering on this line of cancer/pre-cancer since the end of 2009 and have gone through 5 surgeries. Pathologists can't come to agreement on what is going on with the cells in my body. I've even been down to Mayo. The changes in my body can't be detected with standard diagnostic tests, ... nothing ever shows up on mammograms or ultrasounds; and MRIs are the only test that show anything. Crazy as it sounds, it's from dreams i've had, listening to Ahnung, and noticing and sensing subtle changes in my body. I've had this sense for some time that Ahnung has been taking the illness in my body. In July, 2010 she was diagnosed with mammary cancer and had a lumpectomy. Earlier in 2009 I had pancreas issues. In 2009, Ahnung developed these growths on her ear which looked like cauliflowers. She had a biopsy to remove it and when the pathology report came back it was a mystery as to what it was ... the only thing the doctor could say was, "I've never seen anything like this. I can't tell you what it is. What I can tell you is that cells in her body are just dying." And just days prior I had shared with a holistic health practitioner I was seeing when asked how I would describe what was going on in my body, "I can't explain it, but I just feel like cells in my body are dying." In early 2010, the issues of my pancreas began to resolve itself to the point where I was able to stop taking digestive enzymes.

I know in my gut that Ahnung has been absorbing the illness and disease in my body. Maybe that's her purpose and why she came into my life, but I have been holding her tightly every night and asking her to please, please stop taking the illness in my body. Last Friday I had my breast MRI and later this afternoon I meet with my surgeon to go over the results of the MRI. I don't know even what I want anymore ... my heart hurts to think that my health comes at a very high cost; it comes at the cost of my most precious Ahnung carrying and absorbing what I feel is mine.

Last Friday I met an amazing native American elder from Leech Lake Reservation. He shared a powerful story of a man who had cancer who doctors said there was nothing more they could do. He went into the woods with his dog and he prayed. He remained in the woods in silent prayer and meditation with his dog. When he came back his cancer was gone. His dog however passed on. The man believes his dog took his cancer. The elder went on to share that when we pass on to spirit world, the first animal we see is a dog. And he went to share that the stories of the healing power of the dog must be told. Ahnung was with me when I met this wise elder .. I shared with him our story, our bond, and how I believe Ahnung is taking my illness and carrying it in her body. He nodded quietly. 'Yes she is."

I don't want Ahnung to carry my illness. But I don't know how to stop her. I don't know how to get her to listen to me that her body cannot take anymore illness; or maybe she knows more than I know. I know Ahnung will do what Ahnung feels she must do. But my heart aches knowing she is absorbing illness from my body. I want her to let me take her cancer; I want her to let me absorb all that is going on in her body.

In the end, I know there is no separation between the two of us .... where I end, she begins; where she ends, I begin; and our story, our shared story is yet to unfold.

So today, on a snowy, wintery spring day here in Minnesota, I continue to pray for my sweet girl, my  north star. I know she is doing the same for me. And later today, I'll learn more about the results of my MRI. As much as I want good news, my heart will ache because good news probably means my precious girl is continuing to wrap me in her healing blanket of love. And my heart will ache because I don't know how much more my precious girl can take ... I ask her to stop. Yet I know Ahnung will do what Ahnung will do. So all I can do is pray, and hold her tightly.