Breaking down ... breaking open.

I've been awake tonight, unable to sleep -- my heart feels like it is being thrown into a shredder over and over, and my stomach feels like a volcano on fire. I wonder ... how many pieces can a heart shatter into? How many tears can I shed for the loss of someone whom I love so deeply? How deep is this well of tears that has been sealed shut for so long? What do I do with this ache in my heart? How do I let go of someone I have loved so deeply and for so long?

All the while I hear the doctors voice at Mayo clinic telling me the other day that 90% of my pancreas may be damaged and a list of tests and procedures rattled off to try to understand what has caused my pancreas to stop functioning.... blood tests, CT scan, MRI, possible biopsy. The first set of tests is to see how shriveled or enlarged my pancreas is, or if there are any tumors. And not far behind the pancreas doctor's voice I hear my primary doctor telling me with RBCs in my urine we need to have a renal ultrasound done to check the functioning of my kidneys and bladder and to check for blockage or tumors or cysts. And then the rumblings of my breast doctors and surgeons stressing the importance now of doing something about the abnormal/atypical cells in my breast as they are looking more and more like cancer.

I have been living with a friend for the past few weeks as I go through the transition of a long-term relationship ending. I have one dog (Ahnung) with me. My friend Laura has been a saint opening up her heart and home to me. The other two dogs (Missy and Mister) are still at the house but I visit them as often as I can. I am looking to buy a new house so I can bring all 3 dogs with me. My heart hurts for everyone. I turn once again to God, as I don't know where else to turn when the walls feel like they are caving in on me from all directions. 

Willing to experience aloneness,

I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I am given unimaginable gifts;

Surrendering into emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me.

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And becomes itself transformed…

~ Jennifer Welwood

When we come close to those things that break us down, we touch those things that also break us open.  And in that breaking open, we uncover our true nature.

~ Wayne Muller